diamond geezer

 Wednesday, October 17, 2018

100 Brexits

1) The one where Chequers proves unexpectedly workable.
2) The one where furiously redrafted technobabble saves the day.
3) The one where a digital workaround for frictionless trade solves everything.
4) The one where an overlooked solution to the Irish problem suddenly becomes obvious.

5) The one with three intertwined mutual impossibilities.
6) The one where a red line is withdrawn to ensure a solution.

7) The one with a permanent customs union.
8) The one with a permanent customs union but called something different.
9) The one where it turns out privileges of membership are not available to non members.

10) The one where other European leaders allow Britain one crucial concession.
11) The one where the EU decides its four freedoms are divisible after all.
12) The one where a deal is always possible at the next-but-one set of talks.
13) The one where it was all sorted out over dinner.

14) The one where Andrea Leadsom plays a pivotal role.
15) The one where Nigel Farage marches on London.

16) The one with a hard border in the Irish Sea.
17) The one with a hard border between Northern Ireland and Ireland.
18) The one with customs checks 10 miles from the Irish border.
19) The one where the DUP say "oh go on then, why not?"
20) The one that's so bad Sinn Fein MPs actually turn up in Parliament.
21) The one where the peace process is deliberately sacrificed and violence returns.

22) The one with a Clean Brexit.
23) The one with a Fudged Brexit.
24) The one with a Red White and Blue Brexit.

25) The one where nobody can agree a backstop, so there is no deal.
26) The one where nobody can agree a backstop to the backstop, so there is no deal.
27) The one where the backstop kicks in and the EU smirks.
28) The one where the backstop would have been better than what actually happened.

29) The one where a People's Vote decides to Remain after all.
30) The one where a People's Vote decides no deal is better than a bad deal.
31) The one where a People's Vote decides a bad deal is better than no deal.
32) The one where a People's Vote fails because nobody could agree what to vote on.
33) The one where a People's Vote has three options, and none gets a majority.
34) The one where a People's Vote is overturned by civil unrest.

35) The Swiss option.
36) The Super Canada option.
37) The Norway plus option.
38) The Cloudcuckooland doubleplusgood option.

39) The one where Parliament votes to put a halt to the process.
40) The one where Parliament is refused a final vote to prevent a no deal outcome.
41) The one where the Speaker gets the casting vote on the nation's future.

42) The one where Tory rebel MPs cause us to crash out with no deal.
43) The one where Tory rebel MPs cause us to remain in the EU.
44) The one where it was three Labour rebel MPs whodunnit.

45) The one where the cabinet sacrifices Theresa May to ensure Brexit takes place.
46) The one where the cabinet sacrifices Theresa May to ensure a no deal Brexit.
47) The one where the cabinet supports Theresa May until 2022 simply to avoid an election.
48) The one where an obscure cabinet minister becomes PM as the least worst option.
49) The one where a protracted leadership election scuppers all talks.

50) The one where the only way out is a General Election which changes nothing.
51) The one where another General Election only makes the arithmetic even worse.
52) The one where a General Election returns Theresa May with a whopping majority.
53) The one where a General Election gifts Brexit to the Labour Party.
54) The one where the Labour Party splits shortly after taking power.

55) The one where the EU shrug and leave us to get on with it.
56) The one where Article 50 is revoked at the very last minute.
57) The one where the cliff edge is utterly gobsmackingly terrifying.
58) The one where our ongoing economic disaster is all the EU's fault.
59) The one where the EU won't let us back in because we no longer pass their monetary tests.

60) The one where not even a transition period moves things forward.
61) The one where the transition period is extended by another year.
62) The one where the transition period is extended indefinitely.
63) The one where the population rises up against eternal vassalage.

64) The one where making trade deals with other countries couldn't be easier.
65) The one where making trade deals with other countries never happens.

66) The one where PM Johnson bumbles the country into long-term irrelevance.
67) The one where PM Rees-Mogg takes the country back to the 19th century.
68) The one where PM Corbyn establishes a penniless socialist utopia.
69) The one where PM May spins plates on a tightrope forever.

70) The one where No Deal is an unalloyed economic triumph.
71) The one where No Deal is an unmitigated economic disaster.

72) The one where Britain refuses to pay the divorce bill, and the EU pulls the plug.
73) The one where the European Court of Human Rights pokes its nose in.
74) The one where the EU decides something we can no longer veto.

75) The one where The Tories make such a mess of Brexit nobody ever votes for them again.
76) The one where Labour make such a mess of Brexit nobody ever votes for them again.
77) The one where the Liberal Democrats suddenly become totally relevant again.
78) The one where the existing political parties collapse and new groupings emerge.
79) The one where a fascist dictatorship is running the country by 2023.

80) The one where Ireland ends up reunited.
81) The one where Scotland votes for independence and rejoins the EU.
82) The one where it's so bad even Wales votes for independence this time.
83) The one where England votes for independence and enjoys Tory rule forever.

84) The one where all the expat Brits come home and the NHS grinds to a halt.
85) The one where all the EU migrants are sent home and the NHS grinds to a halt.

86) The one where trade deals with non-EU countries bring about a Golden Age.
87) The one where chlorinated chicken becomes a much-loved High Street staple.
88) The one where regaining our sovereignty restores national pride.
89) The one where the M26 becomes a lorry park and the food runs out.
90) The one where civil war breaks out, winner takes all.

91) The one where half the population celebrate with bonfires every year.
92) The one where half the population never come to terms with the outcome.
93) The one where even Remainers decide it wasn't so bad after all.
94) The one where even Leavers decide leaving was a bad idea.

95) The one where nobody can remember what all the fuss was about.
96) The one where nobody can remember how good life used to be.

97) The one where it all works out by magic.
98) The one where it turns out Russia was the common enemy after all.
99) The one where the Queen dies at a crucial moment and everything collapses.
100) The one where Donald Trump presses a button and none of this mattered.


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