1 Now when Christmas was nigh in Mayfair of Westminster in the days of Nigella the Great, behold, there came fur-coated ladies from the shires to OldBond Street, 2 saying, Where are they who are selling Bling and the shoes? for we have seen their adverts in the glossies, and have driven our 4×4s to worship him.
3 When Ken the Mayor had heard these things, he was troubled, and all London with him. 4 And when he had gathered all the chief policemen and councillors of the people together, he demanded of them where this shopping madness should be borne. 5 And they said unto him, In Mayfair of Westminster: for thus it is written by the Evening Standard, 6 And thou Mayfair, in the land of Congestion Charge, art not the least among the wealth of aristocracy: for out of thee shall come luxury purchases, that shall tempt my people decadently.
7 Then Prince Boris, when he had privily called the fur-coated ladies, inquired of them diligently what time the pre-Christmas sales appeared. 8 And he sent them to Mayfair, and said, Go and search diligently for the shiniest jewellery and designer-iest handbags; and when ye have found them, bring me word again, that I may come and spend my fortune also.
9 When they had heard the floppy-fringed one, they departed; and, lo, the deluxe brand awareness, which they saw in the West End, went before them, till it came and stood over where the exclusive retail destination was. 10 When they saw the shops, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. 11 And when they were come into the boutiques, they saw the fabulous riches with Dolce and Gabbana, and fell down, and worshipped them: and when they had purchased their treasures, they presented unto themselves gifts; gold, and fine fragrance, and accessories.
12 And being warned by Boris in a dream that they should not return to Ken, they hailed a taxi and departed into their own country another way.
1 And there were in the same country East Enders abiding in the estates, keeping watch over their budgets by night. 2 And, lo, the economic decline of the country came upon them, and the taxation of the Chancellor shone round about them; and they were sore afraid.
3 And the market inspector said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all immigrants and indigenous Cockneys. 4 For unto you is sold this day in the market of ChrispStreet a Special Offer, which is Three For Two. 5 And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the bargains wrapped in a blue plastic bag, lying on a trestle table.
6 And suddenly there was with the inspector a multitude of the heavenly stallholders trading goods, and saying, 7 Glorious plastic toys are the cheapest, and on racks t-shirts, fake trainers toward men.
8 And it came to pass, as the stallholders were gone away from them into Fred's Cafe, the residents said one to another, Let us now go even unto the pawnbrokers, and sell our things which have come to pass, to pay for that which the Christmas adverts hath made known unto us. 9 And they came home with haste, and found three Uncles and Grandma, and the kids lying on a sofa. 10 And after they had seen Christmas, they made savings which were required of them concerning the New Year.
11 And all they that heard it wondered at these things.