diamond geezer

 Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Dear Mr and Mrs Smith,
Thank you for applying for tickets for London 2012. You applied for
ZO001 Opening Ceremony (27 Jul 19:30-22:30) 2 tickets @£20.12
AT005 Athletics - 100m final (6 Aug 18:50-21:55) 2 tickets @£50
DV016 Diving - 10m platform final (11 Aug 20:30-22:10) 2 tickets @£50
You were successful in none of your bids. We have not taken any money from your account.
You will not be coming to the Olympics, loser. Perhaps you should have considered the laws of supply and demand a little more carefully before you applied for the three most popular sessions on the list.
Love Seb

Dear The McTavish Family,
Thank you for applying for tickets for London 2012. You applied for
BD021 Badminton - semi-finals (4 Aug 09:00-12:00) 4 tickets @£30
GT002 Trampoline - men's final (4 Aug 14:00-16:15) 2 tickets @£20, 1@£13, 1@£8
HO021 Hockey - preliminaries (4 Aug 19:00-22:45) 4 tickets @£20
CT005 Cycling - women's sprint (5 Aug 10:00-11:25) 2 tickets @£20, 1@£13, 1@£8
SY001 Synchronised swimming (5 Aug 15:00-16:40) 2 tickets @£20, 1@£13, 1@£8
TT025 Table Tennis - women's semi-final (5 Aug 19:00-22:00) 4 tickets @£20
You were successful in one of your bids. We have taken £80 from your account.
You thought you were being clever planning a full weekend of events. But all you won in the ballot was an evening of ping pong. Enjoy your long weekend down from Scotland. Hope you find something interesting to do for the rest of it.
Love Seb

Dear Sandra and Bob,
Thank you for applying for tickets for London 2012. You applied for
SW002 Swimming - finals (28 Jul 19:30-21:35) 2 tickets @£95
SW004 Swimming - finals (29 Jul 19:30-21:35) 2 tickets @£95
SW006 Swimming - finals (30 Jul 19:30-21:15) 2 tickets @£95
SW008 Swimming - finals (31 Jul 19:30-21:20) 2 tickets @£95
SW010 Swimming - finals (1 Aug 19:30-21:35) 2 tickets @£95
SW012 Swimming - finals (2 Aug 19:30-21:05) 2 tickets @£95
SW014 Swimming - finals (3 Aug 19:30-20:50) 2 tickets @£95
SW015 Swimming - finals (4 Aug 19:30-21:00) 2 tickets @£95
You were successful in all eight of your bids. We have taken £1520 from your account.
You really wanted to see a swimming final, any swimming final. So you thought you'd better apply for all of them. Unfortunately you forgot to read the smallprint. The smallprint says you're obliged to pay for every ticket you win in the ballot, and you were unexpectedly lucky. So we're screwing you for a grand and a half, and there's nothing you can do to stop us. Good luck selling the unwanted tickets next year.
Love Seb

Dear Arthur,
Thank you for applying for tickets for London 2012. You applied for
JU007 Judo - quarter finals (31 Jul 09:30-12:30) 1 ticket @£16
You were successful in none of your bids. We have not taken any money from your account.
You only wanted to see one event. You only wanted to be able to say that you were here. Unfortunately tens of thousands of other people also wanted to see the same event, and you were unlucky. I'm sorry that, as a mere pensioner, £16 was all you could risk paying. But remember, you can always apply for Paralympic tickets from September. Or watch it all on TV.
Love Seb

Dear Phil, Jenny and family,
Thank you for applying for tickets for London 2012. You applied for
ED004 Equestrian - individual dressage (9 Aug 12:30-16:30) 6 tickets @£275 or £175 or £95 or £65
You were successful in your bid. We have taken £1650 from your account.
You really really wanted to see this event, so you ticked all the boxes for the full range of ticket prices. Bad luck, the cheapest tickets were oversubscribed and the most expensive weren't. So we picked the most expensive tickets for you, and charged you full whack. Don't look so surprised.
Love Seb
PS It's worse than that. Our terms and conditions state that "payment will be taken from all successful applicants between Tuesday 10 May 2011 and Friday 10 June 2011" but that "you will be notified of any tickets you have been allocated by 24 June 2011." So we actually took the £1650 out of your account six weeks ago. Sorry we didn't warn you in advance. Sorry we removed the money the day before your mortgage payment. Sorry for hurling you unexpectedly into overdraft. We're proud to have tipped you into the red with Visa.

Dear Ahmed and Mina,
Thank you for applying for tickets for London 2012. You applied for
TE010 Tennis - singles round 2 (31 Jul 09:30-12:30) 2 tickets @£55
CS004 Kayak slalom finals (1 Aug 13:30-16:05) 2 tickets @£35
AT006 Discus/Hurdles/Shot Put (6 Aug 09:30-12:30) 2 tickets @£20
You were successful in one of your bids. We have taken £70 from your account.
You chose carefully, and you chose well. You've only got one event but it should be a cracker. You'll remember being part of the Olympics for the rest of your lives. Thanks for giving us your money.
Love Seb


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