diamond geezer

 Thursday, October 06, 2016

Are you a genuine British citizen?

As we move forward into a new political landscape, this question is becoming increasingly important.

When we turn up for an interview, or request a property to let, even when we pass each other in the street, our citizenship is coming into question as never before.

Now a new government initiative brings the opportunity to confirm our national identity. A solution which allows us to stake our proper place in the world. The Certificate of Britishness.

This official documentation will soon be welcomed at point of use by all places of work and public services. Simply present your Certificate of Britishness as appropriate to signify approval and to speed your progress through the system. This common sense measure will help to increase our personal freedoms whilst isolating those who seek to exploit our country as if it were their own.

The Certificate of Britishness will only be awarded to true British citizens, and not to foreigners, immigrants or Citizens of Nowhere.

In the future a Certificate of Britishness will be issued at birth. In the meantime a simple act of registration is required, and all citizens will be obliged to undertake this at their earliest convenience.

A true British citizen is defined as someone whose parents were born British. This simple definition has been chosen to speed up applications, and because it cannot possibly lead to any paradoxical misunderstandings. For the absence of doubt, those born abroad, those with funny coloured passports and those who are not like us will be denied certification.

The Home Office has decreed that the baseline for CoB eligibility will be the 1951 census. This date has been chosen because the Fifties were a golden decade of prosperity, prior to immigration and the Common Market coming over here and changing things. True Britons appear in, or are the direct offspring of, our proudest wartime generation.

Those who moved later to this country, or who were born here but whose parents fail the eligibility criteria, will be awarded Second Class citizen status. This is only fair and right, because it's what the average voter is thinking, even if they don't have the nerve to say it.

Always carry your Certificate of Britishness with you at all times. NHS staff and academy personnel may ask to see your paperwork before granting free access to public services, and police will have the right to stop and search if a certificate cannot be produced.

Companies will be asked to submit a weekly return on the number of employees with, or more specifically without, a Certificate of Britishness. Please support them by bringing your certificate to the workplace for accreditation, or by confessing your non-Britishness at the earliest possible opportunity.

The government recognises that many Britons will want to wear their citizenship with pride, rather than keeping it hidden on a plastic card in their pocket. A special armband will therefore be produced, in a patriotic shade of blue, which can only be worn by those with approved citizen status.

Second Class citizens have not been forgotten and will be permitted a yellow armband. Whilst not as iconic as the blue armband worn by the majority, it will still represent a shared faith and vision in our nation's values, and will be seen as better than having no armband at all.

Later this year a more finely-tuned system of armband recognition will be introduced. EU nationals will be presented with a burgundy armband, to match the cover of their passports. This will make it easier for these interlopers to be identified when we leave Europe in 2019 and their presence is no longer required.

Citizens holding the passports of other nations will be asked to wear a purple armband, while convicted criminals will be awarded green. Asocial elements and the work-shy will wear black armbands, rapists and paedophiles will be tagged in pink, and communists will wear red.

Once all non-citizens have been allocated armbands, their usage will be made compulsory. This will permit the populace to recognise the provenance of people they meet in the street, and to decide whether to greet them with a cheery smile or to laugh at them, spit on them or consider some form of grievous bodily harm.

Tourists to our country should not worry. They remain very welcome, so long as they spend lots of depreciating currency while they are here and do not attempt to settle permanently.

Change must come because of the quiet revolution that took place in our country just three months ago – a revolution in which millions of our fellow citizens stood up and said they were not prepared to be ignored any more.

Their patriotism is not distasteful. Their concerns about immigration are not parochial. Instead this is a turning point for our country, a once-in-a-generation chance to change the direction of our nation and turn inwards upon ourselves, bravely telling those illegally settled here to leave us be.

The Certificate of Britishness is the right way forward, the proper solution for reigniting national pride, and the only way to stamp down on the painted devil of immigration. The liberal elites might find such thinking distasteful, but the sooner we face up to the realities of isolation and cast out the foreign freeloaders the better.

Sign up for your Certificate of Britishness today, assume your rightful place in the hierarchy, and wear your armband with pride.

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