diamond geezer

 Saturday, October 22, 2016

Time for another irregular reminder that you're wasting your time sending me PR emails and marketing invites.

Here are four recent misfires.
Happy Friday!
I wondered if you would be interested coming to a great launch event we’re hosting on Thursday 20th October?

No Maria, I never attend shallow promotional shindigs. But do continue.
This week we are officially announcing the return of the iconic <lager brand> beer following a 13-year hibernation. <Lager brand> beer is returning to the UK with a brand new and refined product, look, and taste. The new <lager brand> is slow brewed using a 100% authentic Bavarian method which complies with a 500-year-old German Purity Law.
So you're launching a lager that isn't <lager brand>, because that was essentially piss on tap, but calling it <lager brand> in attempt to gain leverage with the national psyche? Go on.
No longer the beer of its past- <lager brand>’s commitment to this ancient law means that their pints will only ever include three simple ingredients. Based on the edge of <forest> Forest, one of Germany’s largest continuous areas of woodland and a biologically unique reservoir, <lager brand>’s brewery draws exceptionally pure water through their own well, as well as using locally grown barley from the private Malthouse based onsite, and hops from the world-famous <never heard of it> region. Additive-free, nutritionally sound, genuinely Bavarian beer? Sounds just lovely, right?
No, sounds like an excess of buzzwords linked together into one of the least impressive paragraphs I've ever read.
It’s a great story, so let me know if this might work for you ahead of the launch, and I can send you over the press release, images, and any other details you may need.
Alas Maria's 'great story' didn't work for me, so her lager launch went unreported.
Hi Dimond Geezer,
Spelling my name wrong is never a good start, Aneesha.
I am reaching out in regards to an opportunity with <rental company>, an international travel brand. I'd like to know if you would be interested in collaborating on a piece of content entitled Hidden Secrets of London?
As opposed to Unhidden Secrets, presumably.
Secrets of London will be shared to all of <rental company>'s 50,000 members and 200,000 newsletter subscribers and all of <rental company>'s social media channels, so hopefully we can provide new exposure to Courageously Free Travels.
Sorry what? I'm afraid I spurned Aneesha's easy advances.
Hi there,
Hope you’re good! I’m currently working with a new cultural space in London, named <windswept jetty>. This October, <windswept jetty> are hosting 4 avant-garde dating events, curated by <dating company>. On <windswept jetty>, participants are invited to explore the ideas of intimacy, gender, touch and connection.
This might be up your street, Siobhan. It is very much not up mine.
The concept of dating in this way challenges the use of Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Happn etc, as the workshop encourages people to develop connections with others, and not a profile picture. I think this sort of event is quite unique, and think it would make for a great preview piece.
Seriously, only 'quite unique'?
Would this be possible with Diamond Geezer Blog? Please let me know your thoughts, it’d be great to bounce some ideas around.
I relayed my thoughts, namely that this was of no interest to anyone, and Siobhan bounced back.
Thanks for the feedback!
Have a great day.
And finally here's another Siobhan, with an offer many <sport> fans would have killed for.
Siobhan here from the press office of <World famous sports ground>, hope you are well. I wanted to get in touch to invite you to a preview event taking place at <World famous sports ground> to celebrate the upcoming final of the <sporting event>.
You have a cup final you haven't sold enough tickets for, haven't you Siobhan?
The event will include an ‘Introduction to <sport>’ session with former England <sport> international <Famous Sportsman> and a chance to chat to him about the upcoming final. Don’t worry if you’re not a huge <sport> fan, enjoy the surroundings of the Academy in one of London’s most famous sporting landmarks as <Famous Sportsman> shares his <sporting> hints and tips.
The line which really rankled was 'Don't worry if you're not a fan'. I'm no fan, in any way, but I was being offered a Holy Grail experience in return for publicity.
After this, you will be treated to a behind the scenes tour of the prestigious <World famous sports ground>. Dating back to <a long time ago>, <World famous sports ground> is the Home of <Sport> and is steeped in sporting and cultural history – you might even be treated to an anecdote or two from <Famous Sportsman> on the way! The evening will then wrap up with some refreshment in <iconic> bar located within the Grounds allowing you a chance to relax in the surrounding of <World famous sports ground>.
I'll go instead of you, said BestMate, who's a big <sport> fan. But we decided best not, it only encourages them.

So please don't waste your time sending me your marketing missives, no matter how marvellous you think they might be, because they'll never make it onto the blog. Except for us to ridicule, that is...

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