diamond geezer

 Tuesday, March 06, 2018

I cannot believe how badly Arsenal are playing.

They played Brighton at the weekend and they lost. Before that they played Manchester City, twice, and they lost. Before that they played some Swedish team in the Europa League and they lost. The shame of it. I have barely been able to sleep for weeping.

Obviously all of this is Arsene Wenger's fault. The man has shown himself totally incapable of running a successful team. He must resign, or he should be kicked out, and then our glory days will begin again.

I have no actual experience of football management, but it's obvious to me that Arsene's reign is at an end. His 22 years in charge include three Premiership wins and seven FA Cup triumphs, but the last four matches prove his golden touch is gone and he must go. It's not important who replaces him. All that matters is that he is replaced, and the new guy will obviously be much better. In my expert opinion sacking a manager always solves every problem, returning any team to a winning streak, and I'm sure this will be no exception.

I mean look, Brighton are much lower in the league than Arsenal, but they still beat us on Sunday and they shouldn't have done. The statistics speak for themselves. Meanwhile Manchester City are much higher in the league than Arsenal, indeed higher than everyone, so are arguably the better team. But as a fan I never let allow facts to get in the way of blind faith. We should have beaten Manchester City because we are Arsenal, indeed I firmly believe we should always beat every other team every time because all true supporters always do.

I don't understand how we keep on losing matches. It makes no sense that we should lose so many on the trot, unless Arsene's innate uselessness is to blame. He's led the team to many great victories over two decades, but the thing about football is that only the last results matter, and they're rubbish, so he must go.

I rolled a dice once, several times in a row. It came up six a lot to start with, because my powers were strong, but later I threw four consecutive 1s and was forced to give myself the sack. I understand probability even less than I understand football, but I believe this to be a rock solid analogy.

Arsene is such an appalling manager that this year we crashed out of the FA Cup in the 3rd round. I was so embarrassed by our performance that I could barely show my face for days. My team has a God-given right to win the FA Cup every year, and I am always massively upset when we fail to do so. Obviously we are the current holders, which is more than any other team can boast, but I refuse to let this fact cheer me up. The silverware won't be at the Emirates after May 19th, and this inevitable loss is the focus of my relentless misery.

I'm also gutted that we lost the League Cup Final. Having got all the way to the last match at Wembley, the very least we deserved was to win. I sometimes think it's far worse to get knocked out right at the end of a tournament than to lose right at the start. Technically I know that by reaching the final we were better than every other team in the league bar one, but we didn't win, and that makes the entire competition a crushing disappointment. Bloody Arsene bloody Wenger.

I'm also distraught that we're still in the last 16 of the Europa League, because that's rubbish. Various lesser clubs would give their eye teeth to be in the Europa League, but a team which spent 20 consecutive years in the Champions League deserves better. And if Arsene's inherent incompetence ensures we don't even manage to qualify for the Europa League next year, then I might as well go to bed early on Thursday evenings, because I won't have anything left to despair at.

Sometimes I shout at the television to make the team play harder. I know they're listening. I yell at Wilshere to run faster, and Lacazette to pass the bloody ball, and Aubameyang to buck your ideas up what were you thinking show some effort you're a total disgrace. It drives me mad when they don't follow my advice, the lazy layabouts, but at least I know I tried. Arsene should take a leaf out of my book, but he's so jaded these days his so-called experience counts for nothing.

My commitment to Arsenal dates back to 1971 when, on minimal evidence, I decided to devote my entire life to the Gunners. Since then my life has been an emotional rollercoaster, intrinsically linked to the fortunes of my favourite club. When they win I punch the sky. When they lose I fall into deep depression. Only when they draw are my emotions kept in check, although I do tut a lot and ruminate endlessly on where it all went wrong.

I could have picked Manchester City instead, in which case I'd be on cloud nine at present. I could have picked Leyton Orient, in which case I'd be resigned to an eternity of low level disappointment. I might even have picked Tottenham, but that would have been awful because Tottenham are scum, we hate Tottenham and we hate Tottenham, and I could never live with that alternative version of myself.

Every morning I wake up, and life is good for a few minutes until I remember Tottenham are higher than Arsenal in the Premiership, and then I slip into a slough of despond. And not just higher, but safely in the European qualifying places, which is totally against the pre-ordained order of things. I see Spurs fans mocking us on social media, and I hear them jeering in my head, and it drives me mad. How dare Tottenham be better than us, because I know for certain they're definitely worse, thanks to a random decision I made when I was six.

It's been a tough season. Confidence in the manager is low. He's had his time, but he's lost the dressing room and we need fresh blood. The players definitely aren't to blame, because I know Wenger must go. Change is always the answer. Change is always an improvement. What a joke we have become.

I can't believe Arsene doesn't realise that he's the problem, because to us long-term supporters it's more than obvious. I know exactly what needs doing, and soon, based on many years of indirect critical observation. This streak of grievously poor form is all your fault Arsene, and I can never forgive you.

Instead Arsenal's poor form is wrecking my life, and if this week's matches don't go our way I fear I may never recover. But one thing's for sure, I would never let my happiness be dictated by an external force over which I have no control, and quite frankly I deserve better.


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