1) Infant (mewling and puking in the nurse's arms) Typical post: "So this is my first post. Hello world. I'm not quite sure why I decided to start a blog, but everybody else is doing it so I thought I'd have a go. Erm, what shall I write about?"
2) School-boy (shining morning face, creeping like a snail) Typical post: "I had cornflakes for breakfast today. I am so hungover this morning. And didn't it rain a lot on the way to the office? Then Cally emailed me this really funny quiz - which Harry Potter character are you? I'm Ron who are you? Now I'm going to grab a coffee and then maybe get down to some work. I hope my boss here at Redford Officeware (hi Jonathan!) doesn't catch me blogging during work time!!"
3) Lover (sighing like a furnace, with a woeful ballad) Typical post: "Isn't blogging great? I love writing about my street and my childhood and my cat and my hypochondria. Look at all these photos of Nigels' barbecue I took at the weekend. Isn't his dog cute? But I wonder if my comments are working, because I never seem to get any. Well, apart from that comment from my boss Jonathan telling me to get back to work before I was sacked. Hey, you'll never guess what hilarious Google searches I found in my referrer log today..."
4) Soldier (jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel) Typical post: "Now I've got an audience, I'm determined to tell you all my opinions on world affairs. Every single one of them, in enormous depth, because my opinions are important and they're obviously correct. Which is why I couldn't believe the bullshit I just read on BluePatriot's blog. Does he not realise that Hurricane Katrina is a joint neocon/liberal conspiracy, and that President Bush is merely the figurehead? Wise up."
5) Justice (full of wise saws and modern instances) Typical post: "Hi to you if you've just arrived here from Slashdot or the BBC news page. That was a very incisive post I wrote there, wasn't it? I'm so cutting edge these days. Everybody was saying that to me down at the blogmeet the other day, so it must be true. I've had to boost my bandwidth to cope with the extra traffic though, so please click on my Google blogads on your way out. And please vote for me in the BestBlogEver Awards 2005. Have you linked to my site yet, by the way?"
6) Lean and slipper'd (pipes and whistles in his sound) Typical post: "Sorry it's been such a long time since my last post. I don't seem to have so much time for blogging these days, not since I met and married Chris, adopted those ten Albanian refugees and started my Open University PhD. Plus, you know, I really haven't anything new left to say any more."
7) Second childishness (mere oblivion, sans teeth) Typical post: "So this is my last post. It's been a hard decision, but I'm totally blogged out and I need to reclaim my social life. And my garden needs me. And I'm really not coming back after a couple of weeks, honest, not even if you write me fifty really positive ego-massaging comments..."
What's on this weekend? Spring Into Summer Saturday 30 & Sunday 31 May
40 free guided London walks. Purley Festival Friday 29 - Sunday 5 June
Bunting week, below Croydon. E17 Art Trail Sat 30th May - Sun 14th June
250 arty Walthamstow things.