Why you're going to celebrate New Year at the wrong time
It sounds simple enough. When you hear Big Ben start to chime twelve, 2005 begins. Unfortunately it's not simple at all.
1) Digital television isn't live. If you have digital TV you'll have noticed that digital TV is broadcast fractionally later than analogue TV. Use your remote to switch over from analogue BBC1 to digital BBC1, for example, and you'll probably hear the same snatch of conversation all over again. This is because the encoding and decoding of the digital signal causes a brief but noticeable delay, and so no live event can ever be broadcast live. See in the New Year digitally on Freeview or Sky (or watch a football match, for that matter) and you'll be celebrating a second or two late. Such is progress.
Test: On my TV, digital BBC1 (via Freeview) runs approximately one second behind analogue BBC1. Unfortunately I can't test ITV or Channel 4 because my Freeview reception is crap, I can't test Channel 5 because my analogue reception is crap and I can't test Sky Digital because I don't subscribe to it because it's crap.
2) Digital teletext isn't live. I already hate BBCi (the BBC's digital teletext system) with a vengeance. Here's another reason to hate it. Old Ceefax features the time in hours, minutes and seconds, because Ceefax is perfectly accurate. New BBCi only includes the time in hours and minutes, because BBCi isn't (and cannot be) accurate. Not that you'd be sad enough to see out the old year on teletext, of course.
Test: When I check the time on old Ceefax it's spot on. When I check the time on new 'improved' BBCi the clock runs highly irregularly with the minutes changing anywhere between 15 and 35 seconds late. BBCi has a gobsmackingly unreliable clock.
3) Digital radio isn't live. Same problem as above. Digital radio signals take longer to process than analogue so someone with a 21st century digital radio will hear everything a few swconds later than someone with a 20th century wireless. Even the Greenwich Time Signal doesn't beep at the right time on digital radio, it beeps late, so never set your watch by it. Such is progress.
Test: I risked my sanity by attempting to listen to Radio 1 simultaneously on VHF radio, digital radio and Freeview. Good old VHF broadcast everything 'on time', but digital radio was one second behind and Freeview was another 1½ seconds behind that.
4) Online radio isn't live. Not that this will surprise you. What with downloading and buffering and all sorts of other bytesize mullarkey, the BBC's online Radio Player runs very late indeed.
Test: Radio 1 online runs as much as 14 seconds later than Radio 1 VHF, which is as rubbish as you might expect.
5) Analogue radio isn't live. No, really. "The transmitted signal takes a finite time to travel from Broadcasting House to a transmitter, and then from the transmitter to the radio. Of course, the further a radio is from the transmitter, the greater the delay - at 200 miles from the Radio 4 LW transmitter at Droitwich the delay is roughly a thousandth of a second - and as a compromise the pips are delayed so that they are accurate at a distance of about 100 miles from the transmitter." (more here) Test: I couldn't test this one, but I did get my atlas out to check which places are exactly 100 miles away from Droitwich and therefore get accurate pips. Answer - Cambridge, Lincoln, Blackburn, Snowdon, Taunton, Southampton and, yes, central London.
6) Big Ben isn't accurate.BigBen's not doing badly for a 150-year old clock - in fact it's a masterpiece of Victorian chronological engineering - but even with regular adjustment it can be a second or so out. Just because you can hear Big Ben chiming in the New Year doesn't mean that the New Year has begun yet. Or that it didn't start slightly earlier.
Test: Big Ben was two seconds late seeing in 1990. Trust me, I checked at the time.
7) Big Ben only chimes on time if you're standing right next to it. The BBC have a microphone positioned right beside Big Ben's giant clanger, so the sound of the midnight chime hits the airwaves almost instantaneously. Stand and listen to the great bell anywhere else in London, however, and the sound travels towards you at a rather slow 330 metres per second, just as the laws of physics decree. This means you'll hear the New Year arrive one second late from 10 Downing Street, 2½ seconds late from Trafalgar Square and 7 seconds late from St Paul's Cathedral. [You may, or may not, remember that Big Ben's aural delay lay at the heart of a particularly cunning episode of CaptainScarlet. No OK, you probably don't.]
Test: I was standing beside the Thames at midnight on New Year's Eve last year, about 330 metres away from St Stephen's Tower. That means I should have heard Big Ben ushering in 2004 precisely one second late. Unfortunately the sound of the cheering crowds around me drowned out any sound Big Ben might have been making, so I couldn't confirm whether or not the theory works.
Moral of the story: Before you go out this New Year's Eve, set your watch accurately using analogue Ceefax. Or stay in and watch analogue TV. Or just get drunk and you'll neither notice nor care that you're celebrating the arrival of 2005 at the wrong time. Happy New Year, whenever it begins.
Jan: The Freedom of Information Act is launched. Government grinds to a halt when Mr Cedric Evans of Skelmersdale writes in demanding to read every civil service email containing the word 'the'.
Feb: A shock headline in the Daily Mail warns that a house price crash is imminent (see also March, April, May, June, and every other month this year).
Mar: Linda Barker launches a new range of flashing blue sofas, perfect for hiding behind during the new series of Doctor Who.
Apr: An ASBO is imposed banning tearaway teenager Wayne Rooney from venturing within 500 yards of Old Trafford.
May: A General Election is called for 05/05/05, but only those with ID cards are allowed to vote. David Blunkett is returned with an increased majority.
Jun: The new Harry Potter novel is leaked when filesharers get hold of a 30GB mp3 of Stephen Fry reading the entire book.
Jul: The IOC award the 2012 Olympic Games to Paris, who then decide that maybe they don't want 20 years of crippling debt after all and pass the Games on to London instead.
Aug: The winner of All-Nude Big Brother 6 is revealed to be an undercover Sun journalist.
Sep: The Royal Mail introduce third class post, whereby letters are delivered at random by illiterate postmen. Few people notice the change.
Oct: George Bush presses the wrong button on his golf buggy and a small Middle Eastern country vanishes.
Nov: The ban on fox hunting with dogs finally comes into effect. Red-coated snobs get round the ban by inaugurating a new sport called dogs hunting with fox.
Dec: Some ghastly disaster happens. Everything else pales into insignificance.
1) To go somewhere I haven't been before.
Verdict: Not a great success. OK, so back in January I'd never been to Stanmore Broadway, the top of the Gherkin, Hounslow bus station or the new hospital in Norwich, but those really aren't the sort of places I had in mind. 2004 is therefore memorable for being something of a repeat, geography-wise, and spatially unadventurous. Must try harder.
2) To reduce my spam intake.
Verdict: The plague of email spam has been halted, thanks to my ISP who installed spam-blocking software at the end of January. I do miss getting emails, though. Alas it seems the spammers have turned their drone-like attention to my comments box instead, but at least Haloscan seem to have them under control.
3) To keep my place tidy.
Verdict: Not bad. OK, so there are Christmas cards littering the carpet and there's a string of fairy lights down the hallway, but I believe they're temporary. Other than that, if you're one of the six visitors to my house this year I do hope you'll agree the place looked reasonably presentable.
4) To go up to anyone I see wearing more than one item of Burberry clothing and call them a tosser.
Verdict: There aren't many Burberry tossers any more, are there? The hardcore scallies have moved on (Von Dutch, anyone?), and now you're more likely to see beige plaid on a granny's handbag than a chav's cap. A year is a long time in fashion.
5) To go back to the cinema again.
Verdict: After 12 months away from the big screen, I finally made it back in May. And June and July and August and September and October and November. But not December, so maybe Hollywood hasn't completely won me back yet.
6) To shed pounds.
Verdict: That's money not weight, you'll remember, given that I am one of the world's worst shoppers. Unfortunately I remain so, and I've probably got worse this year rather than better. I barely wasted any money in 2004 on the acquisition of material goods, which has been great news for my bank balance if nothing else. Maybe I'll spot some must-have item in the January sales later today, but somehow I doubt it. 1pm update: Just walked the length of Oxford Street - spent 93p
7) To search out new and exciting webpages and stuff for all my readers.
Verdict: Like this and this and this and this, for example. Sorted.
8) To drink at least one of the three bottles of complimentary champagne sitting in my kitchen.
Verdict: No such luck. I had the means, I just needed motive and opportunity. Here's hoping 2005 has a bit more fizz.
Just the one resolution for 2005, I think...
1)Carpe diem
1) Destroy Rock And Roll - Mylo (released 24 May)
"It's sort of Royksopp with a smile, or an upbeat Air, or a more modern Moby, or Lemon Jelly without the quirks. Samples from acts as diverse as Prince, Kim Carnes, Scissor Sisters and Daft Punk are mixed with grooving synth beats to create one of the freshest sounds of the year. Well I reckon anyway."
2) A Grand Don't Come For Free - The Streets (released 10 May)
"so there it is, a concept album for the new urban slacker, bit of a result
minor details elevated high, for there is poetry in the mundane
it's a winner, it's a soundtrack to one lost summer, nice one geezer"
3) Scissor Sisters - Scissor Sisters (released 2 Feb)
"It's not an album of cover versions but every track sounds like it was recorded this year but written by somebody famous 30 years ago. I can hear the blatant influence of David Bowie, the Bee Gees, Steely Dan, Sparks, Sylvester, at least three eras of Elton John and even some Rocky Horror Picture Show. And oh boy, against all the odds it so works."
Hmm, that's the same Top 3 I brought you halfway through the year. Has nothing better been released since June? Well, no, not really. I think this was the year that the music industry and I lost interest in each other, although not deliberately. I was planning to bring you my Top 10 albums of 2004, until I counted up my purchases and found that I've only bought 9 albums this year. I've not downloaded anything either, even though I know this is the new medium of choice. And yes, I know there have been some outstanding albums released during the last 12 months (and you may even want to tell me some of those I missed out on). But I'm hoping for better in 2005.
100 years ago today, JM Barrie's classic play Peter Pan was performed for the very first time. You know the story (girl meets flying pixie, girl flies off to magical land, girl has lots of adventures with pirates and crocodiles and fairies, girl flies home, girl grows up) but what you may not know is the fascinating background to the story...
Pan timeline
1860 James Barrie is born in Kirriemuir (it's not far from Forfar).
1866 James's elder brother David dies on the eve of his 14th birthday in a freak skating accident.
1894 Barrie marries actress Mary Ansell, an actress in one of his plays. They remain childless.
1897 Barrie meets the Llewelyn Davis brothers in Kensington Garden. He plays with them and tells them stories (not that he was, erm, one of them). On New Year's Eve he meets their mother at a dinner party and subsequently befriends the family.
1901 Barrie goes on a camping holiday with the boys at Black Lake, near Farnham. On his return he writes The Boy Castaways ofBlack Lake Island, the story on which 'Never Never Land' will be based.
1902 Barrie publishes a novel called The Little White Bird, about a childless author who meets a boy called David in Kensington Gardens and tells him stories about a character called Peter Pan.
1904 The play Peter Pan, or The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up premieres at the Duke of York's Theatre in London on December 27. It is a great success. Even the critics applaud at the end when asked to clap if they believe in fairies. "an artfully artless, go-as-you-please play which has all the pretty inconsequence of an imaginative child’s improvisation, all the wild extravagance of a youngster’s dream…" (Illustrated London News)
1906 Barrie publishes the short book Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens with illustrations by Arthur Rackham. The book is dedicated "to Sylvia and Arthur Llewelyn Davies and their boys (my boys)".
1907 Arthur dies of cancer, allowing Barrie to grow even closer to his widow and her children.
1909 Feeling rather betrayed by the whole situation, Mary has an affair and divorces her husband.
1910 Sylvia dies of cancer. Barrie becomes guardian to all five Llewelyn Davies children.
1911 Barrie adapts his stage play to write the novel Peter and Wendy, now more usually known as Peter Pan.
1912"There is a surprise in store for the children who go to Kensington Gardens to feed the ducks in the Serpentine this morning. Down by the little bay, at the south-western side of the tail of the Serpentine, they will find a May Day gift from JM Barrie, a figure of PeterPan blowing his pipe on the stump of a tree, with fairies and mice and squirrels all around. (the Times, 1 May 1912)
1915 Eldest son George Llewelyn Davies is killed in the trenches during World War 1.
1921 Middle son Michael Llewelyn Davies drowns in the Thames while a student at Oxford.
1937 JM Barrie dies, having donated the copyright to Peter Pan to Great Ormond Street Hospital in 1929.
1960Peter Llewelyn Davies, tired of being labelled 'the boy who never grew up', throws himself in front of a train at Sloane Square station.
Government intelligence suggests that an attempted terrorist attack on your home is imminent.
On the evening of 24th December a white-bearded extremist, possibly with stockings over his head, plans to break into your home and leave a suspect package at the foot of your child's bed. International police have been informed. Await deliverance.
Keep alert • Look out for suspicious vehicles, such as flying sledges.
• Block your chimney (or buy a house with central heating).
• Leave out a glass of sherry laced with rohypnol.
• Children – be vigilant! Stay awake all night if necessary.
You may have vital information to help the authorities. If you hear sleigh bells, see an old man distributing presents in a busy shopping mall or come across reindeer droppings on your lawn, please tell the police immediately. They want to see Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and the rest of the Rednose gang behind bars as soon as possible.
Terrorists need…
A place to live: Are you suspicious about an elderly Scandinavian gentlemen who's recently moved into an igloo down your street?
To plan: Have you seen anyone pay an unusual amount of attention to your rooftop, or to those of your neighbours?
Equipment: If you are a retailer, has anyone come into your shop recently and asked for a faster-than light high-capacity sled?
With your help, and with continued public vigilance, this evil empire can be thwarted. Or we'll just bomb Finland and ask questions later. One day, we hope, you'll be able to tell your children that 'Father Christmas' doesn’t exist any more.
Be reassured that overnight festive break-ins like this are very rare. Don't have nightmares out there. Do sleep well over Christmas.
Knowing what to do in a turkey-cooking emergency is vitally important.
• If your turkey still hasn't defrosted by daybreak on Christmas Day, keep calm. Don't rush about in a panic screaming "Oh my God!! Oh my God!!" because this won't help.
• Assess the injured turkey carefully and act on your findings using the basic First Aid steps listed below.
• Keep an eye on the injured turkey's condition until the emergency Paxo arrives. Then nod sagely.
Take time now to familiarise yourself with some of the more common turkey disaster scenarios below.
Consciousness: If your turkey is conscious with obvious signs of life, place your fingers on the bird's throat and press really hard. Listen for that tell-tale life-sapping squawk. Then open the rear airway, shove your hand up and pull out the giblets, just to make doubly sure that this is an ex-turkey.
Burns: For all burns, cool with cranberry sauce for at least 10 minutes, then wrap the affected parts with sausage meat and silver foil.
Circulation: Check for a pulse. If you find one then sorry, you've probably cooked a nut roast by mistake.
Shock: If your game bird has cold clammy skin when laid out on the dinner table, assume the recovery position and start mouth-to-mouth.
Fractures: Remove breast-bone. Tug sharply on one end. Make a wish.
Bleeding: Control severe bleeding by applying pressure with the prongs of a fork. If blood drips out, loosen any restrictive strips of bacon and shove the bird back into the oven for two hours at gas mark 6. Beware - many families are forced to suffer bleeding turkey for many days after Christmas.
Blockages: Still eating turkey in the New Year? You must be choking.
For a bootiful Christmas dinner, consider getting proper First Aid training. The Government's Chief Medical Officer, Bernard Matthews, recommends Delia's Norfolking Christmas (£15.99). Or just pop out to McDonalds instead.
The emergency services are trained to cope with a wide range of emergency situations, but there is a lot you can do to help yourself (especially if you spot an unlocked window on Christmas Eve).
Fire prevention and safety • Reduce fire hazards in your home. You can bin those hundreds of highly combustible Christmas cards for a start. And always make your Blue Peter Advent Crown from flameproof tinsel.
• Most fire deaths and injuries occur while people are sleeping. That's because it’s fun setting Grandpa's beard alight while he's snoring away during the Queen’s Speech.
• Fit and maintain smoke alarms, just in case one of those fifty IKEA tealights you’ve got dotted around the house should create a superheated atmosphere accidentally causing a dangling strand of tinsel to spontaneously combust.
• If trapped in smoke caused by blazing candles, rest assured that at least you'll slip into unconsciousness anaesthetised by the smell of musk and sandalwood.
Explosives • When you walk into your lounge halfway through Christmas morning, the room may look as if a bomb has hit it. Just in case this is true, evacuate the family immediately and contact the emergency services to organise a controlled explosion.
• Always pull Christmas crackers with extreme caution. The jokes inside may cause untold damage if not handled correctly.
• If a Christmas pudding goes off in your kitchen, try to cover the brandy-fuelled flames with a damp tea towel. Order the rest of the family to stay in the dining area away from serving hatches in case there is a second pudding in the area.
Power cuts • If the power fails, log into our website for further information about what to do next. Alternatively use your common sense and go and buy some batteries.
• Alternative entertainment is available. Victorians didn’t have Play Stations to keep them amused, did they? You could read a book, have a tinkle on the piano, play a game of Cluedo or, erm, just wait for the power to come back on again.
Biological attack • If you spot a sprout on your dinner plate, do NOT touch it.
• Move quickly away from the immediate source of danger.
• Wait for emergency chefs to arrive and examine the scene.
• You may need to be decontaminated. This will involve gargling with gravy and covering yourself with a temporary serviette.
Chemical attack • If your auntie has bought you an unwanted bottle of perfume or aftershave, always dispose of the contents carefully (preferably while she’s not watching).
• If your auntie is wearing an offensive perfume, construct a lean-to in the garage and quarantine her there for at least 48 hours.
Radiological attack • If your nose starts to glow red*, don't panic. Go and stand outside in the fog where you can be used as an emergency air traffic homing beacon.
*Other symptoms may include being laughed at, being called names and not being allowed to join in playing reindeer games.
Emergency planning exercises These are held annually around the country to test our preparedness. Large groups of civilians find themselves compelled to assemble in local shopping centres. Here the crowds are addressed by civic officials who dispense good cheer and essential Christmas advice. On a pre-arranged signal the Mayor then presses a big red button. This illuminates flashing warning lights in the sky to warn shoppers against venturing too close during the festive period. See local press for details.
The UK has had to live with the threat of Christmas for many years, ever since evil terrorist St Augustine slipped the first Bible through English customs. The emergency services now have well established plans and procedures in place to deal with a wide range of festive events.
The police, fire and ambulance services are specially trained to deal with Christmas. • The police deal with Christmas by switching from trying to catch criminals to raising revenue by breathalysing drivers instead.
• Ambulance workers deal with Christmas by holding a sweepstake to see which driver can mop up the most drunkards.
• The fire brigade deal with Christmas by dressing up in red costumes and climbing onto illuminated rooftops.
• Military assistance can be also called upon if necessary, just so long as all the servicemen aren't too busy serving in Iraq.
Previous successes in the fight against Christmas: • You never see Noel Edmonds any more, do you?
• And we got rid of Warninks Advocaat...
• And the Innovations catalogue...
• And Meltis Berry Fruits...
• And religion.
New anti-Christmas legislation is to be introduced next year: • From 2005, Christmas presents may only be wrapped in transparent cling film. We apologise that this may diminish your feelings of excitement and anticipation somewhat, but it's better than being blown sky-high by gift-wrapped explosives.
• Extra-large Advent calendars will be introduced with a slice of fresh fruit behind each window rather than a slab of fattening chocolate.
• The Royal Mail will be forced to introduce a new service called SuperSpecial Delivery where, for a fee of £10, they promise not to steal any of your Christmas cards and the contents therein.
• Christmas Day will be moved to February 29th. That'll show 'em.
Remember that nearly all of Christmas is preventable. You can get practical, easy to follow advice on preventing Christmas from your local mosque or synagogue.
The Government is working hard to make sure that the UK is as prepared as it can be for Christmas, and it is important that you are ready too. By being informed and prepared, you can significantly reduce the risk to life, property and waistline. We’d therefore like to take this opportunity to warn you that the country will soon be shutting down for at least two days, maybe four, maybe a week and a half, and that buying food and travelling by rail will be nigh impossible during this period.
general advice about what to do in an emergency
If you should suddenly find yourself in the middle of Christmas, your common sense and instincts will usually tell you what to do. Unfortunately hiding in the cupboard under the stairs until the whole event is over is not usually an acceptable option.
Whatever the case, it is important to: • Make sure 999 has been called.
• Wait patiently for three wise men to arrive.
• Follow the advice of the emergency services.
• Get extremely drunk in a desperate attempt to blot out the nightmare festive situation.
If you are not involved in the incident, for example because you are of a different religion which doesn’t believe that it's possible for a supreme being to impregnate an innocent woman, then you may still be in danger. In such cases the advice is:
1) Go inside a safe building. Unsafe buildings are clearly marked on the outside by glowing, flashing lights. Beware. The occupants are likely to have been brainwashed by commercial forces beyond their control and may try to force feed you with sherry. Keep away.
2) Stay inside until you are advised to do otherwise. Signs that the Christmas period is finally over include lengthening daylight hours, blooming flowers, repeated holiday advertisements and being able to turn off your central heating. If in doubt, emerge and see.
3) Tune in to local radio or TV for more information. When Christmas is first sighted on the horizon, usually in late October, radio and TV companies will interrupt their normal programming to bring you information about the incident and to dispense retail advice. All your favourite celebrities will appear, bedecked with sparkly tinsel, telling you what necessary preparations need to be made, what supplies to stock up on and who has the best 3 for 2 offers on bottled water and tinned food.
Remember: go in, stay in, tune in, block out.
In certain very unlikely situations, you may be asked to leave your home by the emergency services: • Regret using quite so much brandy on the Christmas pudding.
• Unplug the flashing snowman on the roof.
• Leave as quickly and calmly as possible.
• No, put those presents down and leave now.
• If you are forced to travel long distances to unknown parts of the country in order to reach a place of safety, remind yourself that this is what Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus did 2000 years ago and that everything turned out alright in the end.
Christmas Alphabet word search: This word search contains 25 festive words, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet. Can you identify the whole alphabetical list from A to Y? (Sorry, I gave up on Z) (Answers in the comments box)
Y S A M X H P E S O J W
L A H R E E D N I E R R
L N R G L E G N A V T E
O T R U D L E O N I Y A
H A Y U N W R A P R E T
B O M L A E G T A G K H
E R X R C I V R K I N G
L E I E F Q U E E N O I
L F Y T N E S E R P D L
X-6 Christmastime in E3 • Flashing Santas shining down from tower block balconies
• A few strands of tinsel draped behind the bar of a pub
• Well-dressed couples turning up to a festive dinner party
• Stressed-out drivers endlessly honking one another
• A pensioner walking back to her lonely basement flat
• Wide-eyed children looking forward to the big day
• A wreath on the door of a Victorian terraced villa
• Cheap lager being lugged home in a Morrisons carrier bag
• A mob of feral children hurling an egg at a passing bus
• Crowds of beaming worshippers exiting a carol service
• Queueing for stamps in the run-down Post Office
• Strings of red and white lights illuminating Roman Road
• A small fir tree sat on a pile of tyres in a dingy garage
Bow Road update: You can't use Bow Road tube station today. You couldn't use it last weekend either, or the weekend before that. In fact, what with the Christmas weekend coming up, you won't be able to use the station on any weekend in December. Then there's three more weekend closures in January and another at the end of February, all of which makes for a prolonged period of travel misery for us Bow residents on top of all the late evening closedowns we've been suffering since March. And all because renovation work at Bow Road station is going on months longer than expected, and because it seems the only way to finally bring the whole overblown project to an end is to force passengers to find alternative travel arrangements at weekends while workmen try desperately to catch up. OK, so it's only a 7 minute walk from here down the road to Mile End, but it's the principle of the thing that matters. The chairman of Metronet admits that there have been problems...
Which appears to confirm my suspicions that my local station was shut after 10pm every night from March until September while virtually nothing was going on inside. Thank you Metronet. At least since October things really have started to happen. No really. Now there are black cables, and cameras, and white cables, and paint, and purple cables, and even the odd workman walking around trying to look busy during those increasingly rare hours while the station is actually open. I've still not seen one new development that improves my journey to work, though, not one. Check the comments box for further details (or go read my new 'Bow Road page' which, like the station, is still under construction).
If you've just arrived from Metafilter (ooh, Metafilter), then let me assure you that...
a) No, I have never blogged about the curious retro-style tube adverts for London's Metropolitan Tabernacle. Blimey, aren't they dated?
b) The Metropolitan Tabernacle isn't quite a 'historic London landmark', but it is a very prominent building at the Elephant & Castle.
c) My photo of the pink elephant and castle at Elephant and Castle (8 days down the page) was taken on the opposite side of the road from the Metropolitan Tabernacle, so I have sort of been there.
Happy Christmas. You'll be glad to hear that my Christmas cacti are now dripping with pink buds and the geraniums on my frost-free balcony continue to bloom spectacularly. I've decorated my flat by draping the usual fairy lights down the hallway, and your fibre optic Christmas tree is busy changing colour on the dining table. I've now received 16 Christmas cards, which isn't a very impressive total given that I'm planning on sending out about 70, and it's probably at least a hundred less than you've got by now. Thanks for your homemade Christmas card which is now sitting in pride of place on the TV. You'll be pleased to know that my homemade Christmas card to you is already in the post, although it was particularly naughty of David Blunkett to resign while my card was at the printers.
Life at work continues to be manic. The low point was two weeks ago when I missed the company's Christmas party (free bar, sit-down meal and a tentful of entertainment) because I was too busy working for the company. Thankfully I've not had to work as late as half past nine again, but I'm still the mug who's sat in work at 8am and 8pm while everyone else swans off at what used to be my normal leaving time and manages to have a life. At least I'm finally due more than a fortnight off work after I crawl home tonight, which'll give me a chance to drink normal tea again during daylight hours if nothing else.
My new passport arrived in the mail yesterday. They sent the old one in a separate envelope, and my local postman somehow managed not to steal either of them. I reckon the new photo almost looks like me, certainly more than the last one from ten years ago, but you'd probably prefer the set of photos I couldn't use because there was too much white background and not quite enough of my face. It felt odd seeing an expiry date of 'Feb 15' at the back of the passport and realising that they meant 2015, not the day after Valentine's Day. At least this means I'm not due to be getting an ID-chipped biometric replacement until I'm 50.
I hope you're both well. Sorry that you couldn't both make it down to London for the 'annual' day of Christmas shopping this year. To be honest, Mum, I'm dead impressed that you can make it as far as the village shop after your hip operation last month. I'll pencil in a quality festive shopping day sometime next year instead. And I'll see you both next week.
geezers.co.uk - a new haircare range for men who want the 3 "F"s - fun - fashion - and the other.
A range of 12 "men only" haircare products that will ensure that you look the "dogs b******s" on every social occasion.
Geezers hair care products are specially designed for the latest generation of men. Whether you are going for the sleek, shagadellic look or irresistibly firm hold styles that are rough, rigid and randy Geezers® has the product for you. Our superb range of shampoos, conditioners, and styliing products are prefect for the guys who has a hard night out on the town followed by a hard game of footy the next morning.
You can buy any of the Geezers products from a good professional hair salon and be the Geezer of your choice:
- be a smooth geezer
- be a spikey geezer
- be a randy geezer
- be a hard geezer
- be a party geezer
Products:
• Geezers Friday Night Smoothing Gel is formulated to give hair that sleek, shagadellic look for that special night on the town.
• Geezers Sorted Anti Dandruff Shampoo is formulated to effectively eliminate the dreaded white stuff.
• Geezers Wicked Glue is the definitive texturising product for devilishly strong hold.
• Geezers On The Pull Shaper gives irresistibly firm hold for styles that are rough, rigid and randy.
• Geezers Stay Stiff Gel Spray is formulated to give all hair styles a hard as nails finish.
• Geezers Hairy Monster Thickening Shampoo is ideal for the geezers that nature intended to be follicley challenged.
• Geezers Knackered Hair Repair is ideal for hair that has been neglected, abused, damaged - in fact, thoroughly balls’d up.
• Geezers Party Hard Putty is the ideal medium-hold texturising product for the social animal.
• Geezers Gunk Removing Shampoo is guaranteed to remove all the crap resulting from frequently styled hair.
• Geezers Hungover Shampoo is an invigorating cleanser formulated to blast away the effects of the night before.
Geezers hair care products are now available at: William Lothian Hair (Glasgow), Jason Shankey Male Grooming (Belfast), Scissor-Hands (Sheringham), Shortcuts Barber Shop (Nuneaton), Turning Heads (Leicester), Mojo (Rugby), Tangles (Bradford), Root 107 (Swansea), Geezer's Barbers (Sheffield), Finnegan's Gentlemans Hairdressers (Liverpool), Perfect Endings (Inverness), Manic Barbers (Ystrad Mynach), Bladerunner (Glasgow), Kuttin Kru (Rotherham), Cut n Colours (North Berwick), Barry's Barbers (Dublin), Hair by Andrew (Windsor), The Curl Company (Blackpool), Mirror Image (Wellingborough), Mr Stopps The Barbers (Birmingham), Crown Cuts Hair Salon (Maidstone), Taffy's Barbers (Swansea), Hair Indoors (Blackburn), Throckley Hairport (Newcastle) and 106 other salons nationwide.
Tube strike quiz: Only two of the following excuses given for strike action on the London Underground are true. I wonder if you can tell which two they might be? (n.b. 'true' is not necessarily the same as 'justified')
• Drivers on the Northern line are to strike because a 35 hour working week is far too strenous.
• Drivers on the Metropolitan line are to strike because 52 days annual holiday just isn't enough, poor lambs.
• Drivers on the Victoria line are to strike because they were all replaced by computers ten years ago.
• Drivers on the Waterloo & City line are to strike because driving backwards and forwards between the same two stations all day is so incredibly boring.
• Drivers on the Piccadilly line are to strike in a row over the demotion of a driver for passing red signal lights.
• Drivers on the Jubilee line are to strike in protest at having one of their trains repainted to support London's Olympic bid.
• Drivers on the Hammersmith & City line are to strike to demand that their line be reassigned any colour other than pink.
• Drivers on the East London line are to strike because they fancy a day off to go to the January sales.
• Drivers on the District line are to strike in protest at appalling facilities at Earl's Court station.
• Drivers on the Circle line are to strike because all that going round and round makes them giddy.
• Drivers on the Central line are to strike because Bob Crow fancies some publicity.
• Drivers on the Bakerloo line are to strike because being a tube driver means either clocking on before 5am or clocking off after 1am, spending your shift stuck inside in a cramped cab, coping with stroppy passengers who insist on holding the doors open, working weekends, risking dodgy track maintenance, coping when people throw themselves off the platform in front of your train... and because quite frankly you wouldn't put up with it either.
Manchesterford's finest soap opera is coming to the London stage. Victoria Wood has written a musical version of the legendary cardboard drama, and the show is due to open at the Theatre Royal Haymarket on 9th February next year for a limited 16-week season. The cast includes all your favourite Acorn Antiques stars, including Julie Walters, Celia Imrie and Duncan Preston, as well as top support from Josie Lawrence, Neil Morrissey and Sally Ann Triplett. And, sssh, but I have a copy of the script! And it's very good.
BABS: It certainly sounds like a genuine Picasso, Martin, but I'd have to see it to be sure.
The first act comes live from the rehearsal rooms at the Enoch Powell Arts Complex, Sutton Coldfield, where the producer is struggling to explain his modern plot revamp to a stupefied cast. There are a lot of jokes about haemorrhoids (and several references in homage of Crossroads), and the whole act is a fine sideswipe at the onward march of the politically correct. I will admit that, after a first skim read, I was a little concerned that the Acorn Antiques sparkle had been lost. But I needn't have worried because the fine detail is hilarious and sets the scene perfectly for what follows.
BERTA: Where's Mrs O? It's only the thought of her macaroons that's kept me going!
Act two opens on 'traditional' Manchesterford High Street, complete with wool shop, drapery, ironmongers, red pillar box and, of course, your favourite antique dealership. Mrs Overall (who'll be played on stage by both Wood and Walters) is at the very heart of the business, but even her teatray and fresh-baked parkin can't stop the onward march of progress. A series of Wood-esque musical numbers (nobody else could get away with rhyming sandalled with man-handled, or erogenous with old-codgerness) interweave with a moral tale about multinational retail franchises. And there are some unlikely romances, some long lost relatives and an awful lot of tweed into the bargain. I loved it.
BABS: What was that terrible noise? It sounded like a tray of coffee being dropped on someone who's just been electrocuted.
Devotees will be pleased to hear that the number of mentions of 'macaroons' is in double figures, including a song of their own and a starring role in the dénouement. I'd love to tell you more, but that would be desperately unprofessional. There are a multitude of exquisite lines in the playscript (like the one about Clarice Cliff, the one about fair-trade coffee and the one about wartime rubber shortages) but I've been well-behaved here and have only used quotes from the original TV series instead. But, on the basis of what I've read, I shall definitely be buying (bloody expensive) tickets for the play's West End run. It looks like a classic to me, Miss Berta, and no mistake.
MRS O: Why don't we all have a mug of my delicious home-made sherry and a couple of sausage dumplings?
Have you noticed how easy it is to write a book these days? Bookshops this Christmas are piled high with short novelty volumes knocked off by their authors in a couple of hours flat. These books usually feature one short phrase or home truth written in large font across the middle of every page, each surrounded by acres of empty space. And people actually buy these lightweight publications, presumably to give to people they don't care for very much.
So I thought today we'd have a go at writing our own book. In less than 24 hours. I can't guarantee it'll be on the shelves in time for this Christmas, but it might be worth us trying to get it published next year. I've decided that the title of our moneyspinning text will be The Little Book Of Four Letter Words and it'll feature just one four letter word in very big type on each page. All you lot need to do is to come up with your favourite 4 four letter words and stick them in the comments box. I've started things off. Let's see just how easy this authoring lark really is...
The following books were all websites this time last year. And now they're in print. And I've bought threeofthem. Great innit? I wonder who'll be on this list next Christmas? It could be you...
• A Nice Cup Of Tea And A Sit Down - website - book (£9.99, Amazon sales rank: 34)
• Change the World for a Fiver: We Are What We Do - website - book (£5, Amazon sales rank: 76)
• Law of the Playground: A Puerile and Disturbing Dictionary of Playground Insults and Games - website - book (£6.99, Amazon sales rank: 146)
• Modern Toss (featuring Mr Tourette) - website - book (£9.99, Amazon sales rank: 249)
• Minipops - website - book (£7.99, Amazon sales rank: 519)
• One Stop Short Of Barking: Uncovering the London Underground - website - book (£7.99, Amazon sales rank: 1477)
• Vitamin Q: a temple of trivia lists and curious words - website - book (£9.99, Amazon sales rank: 2306)
I'd carefuly avoided watching The XFactor, this Autumn's Pop Idol rip off, until last night. Last night I made the mistake of tuning in (well, there was nothingelse on). And, erm, popular music really is dead and buried, isn't it?
After thousands of auditions and eight weeks of on-screen balladry, the British public in their infinite wisdom finally narrowed down the contestants to one pub singer with a 70s soul fixation and one quartet of clean cut accountants attempting to be the new Flying Pickets. Which of the two won is irrelevant - the fact that seven million people voted is not. Every ounce of drama was squeezed out of the three hour broadcast, which was quite an achievement given that music had formed no more than half an hour of the so-called entertainment. The eventual winner will go on to clog up the Christmas singles chart with yet another unnecessary cover version (oh God, it's Phil Collins), while the runners up should be packing out end-of-the-pier shows for years to come.
I forgot to switch off the TV after the X Factor's choking finale and so my senses were assaulted by 'ChristmasMania', the latest in a long line of ITV lowest common denominator music shows. Donny Osmond (no, really) dripped platitudes to link together a conveyor belt of festive songs sung by Radio-2-friendly artists with albums to plug. Imagine the brain-sapping nightmare of non-stop Ronan Keating, Katie Melua, Jamie Cullum, Il Divo and Westlife. I know this sort of thing appeals to a mainstream audience, but I found it musically bland and unchallenging. The whole experience was offensively inoffensive - mechanically brilliant but creatively dead.
At which point I realised why I've fallen out of love with popular music. I'm a sucker for an original tune, not an original voice. I don't have a favourite singer, I just have favourite songs. I don't care how technically competent a singer is, I want them to be a great composer too. I get no thrills from a beautifully delivered classic, I want to be moved by something fresh and innovative.
Sure the music industry has always had its fair share of insipid mass market cover versions, but for every Robson & Jerome nightmare there always used to be a cross-generational smash. Just look back at the Top 5 I listed yesterday for the evidence. No more. And sure there's still plenty of creativity left in today's music, but it just isn't mainstream any more. No, I have seen the future, and it is primetime national karaoke. Popular music is indeed dead and buried. And I bet they play 'Angels' at the funeral.
1) (new entry) Band Aid - Do They Know It's Christmas: Straight into the top of the charts on this very day 20 years ago came the original version of the most important charity single ever. It sold over a million copies in its first week, and Dido wasn't singing on it which is why it was tons better than this year's AOR update. If you don't know the story of Band Aid by now then where have you been, but Chighas the details anyway. More here, here, here, here, here and here.
"It's a world of dread and fear where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears."
2) (new entry) Wham! - Last Christmas / Everything She Wants: This perennial festive favourite is the best selling single ever never to have reached number 1. Not that George minded at the time because he featured on the Band Aid record too. Last Christmas should have beeen a cheesy schmaltzfest nightmare of a record, but it still works perfectly as a bittersweet Yuletide anthem. I reckon, anyway.
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away."
3) (↓ 2) Frankie Goes To Hollywood - The Power Of Love: Forget Jennifer Rush and Huey Lewis, let's hear it for the scallies. This ultimate power ballad had just given Frankie their third number one single with only their third release, following up in-your-face sex and controversial politics with a sideswipe at religion. Simple it may have been, but simply brilliant.
"I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampires from your door."
4) (↑ 5) Paul McCartney and the Frog Chorus - We All Stand Together: You may have loathed it, or you may secretly have loved it, but this amphibian classic is undoubtedly lodged deep inside the child-centred part of your subconscious. The song was written by Mr McCartney for a Rupert movie that never quite materialised, but the magical video justly won the Bafta award for Best Animated Short Film in 1985. Altogether now - bom bom bom.
"Win or lose, sink or swim, one thing is certain we'll never give in."
5) (↑ 3) Madonna - Like A Virgin: Who was she kidding? This irresistable classic propelled Ms Ciccone to a national audience and kickstarted an astounding run of 35 consecutive top ten UK singles. She's still going strong 20 years later - as is Paul McCartney, as is George Michael, as are Band Aid (and even Frankie reformed last month). I bet this week's Top 5 artists don't have the staying power of these 1984 giants.
"You made me feel shiny and new, like a virgin touched for the very first time."
Square Routes: Day 10 x 10 Bus 100: Shadwell - Elephant & Castle
Location: London east, inner
Length of journey: 6 miles, 40 minutes
And finally, route 100 - possibly the bendiest bus route in London. I don't think I've ever been driven around quite so many corners as I was on this particular bus journey. Our little single decker snaked through Shadwell, wriggled through Wapping, curled through the City and finally wound up at the Elephant. And it all began down one of the most infamous streets in East London.
The 'Battle of Cable Street' was a pre-war watershed in the British fight against facsism. Back in October 1936 Sir Oswald Mosley aimed to stir up racial tension by rallying his loyal Blackshirts for a march through the Jewish East End of London. But he had reckoned without the strength of feeling of ordinary Londoners who were determined that the march should not pass. They set up barricade after barricade down Cable Street using bricks, barrels, corrugated iron, paving stones, timber planks and a builder's lorry. A pitched battle was fought, not against the fascists but against the police who had come to bring order to the streets. Stones were thrown, batons were raised and several participants were either injured or arrested. The protest had the desired outcome, however, and Mosley's march was re-routed west into the City where it soon dispersed. Sir Oswald would no doubt be appalled by modern Shadwell and its integrated multi-ethnic mix. The Itthadi Supermarket now stands side by side with Peter's Pie and Mash, and a giantmural on the side of the Old Town Hall commemorates the day the flames of intolerance were snuffed out.
We headed south into Wapping past the monolithic headquarters of News International and the failed retail centre at Tobacco Dock. Where Shadwell had been poor, Wapping was bubbling over with unexpected affluence. The bus squeezed down narrow cobbled streets, the old dockland wharves to either side now converted en masse into elegant yuppie housing. Pirates used to be executed round here, now estate agents sell off studio flats for criminal amounts. Remind me to come back and blog about Wapping properly sometime, it's a fascinating and historic place.
The City of London may only cover one square mile, but our journey aboard the 100 appeared to thread around most of it. To our right the Royal Mint, to our left the Tower of London, to our left the Gherkin, to our right the Barbican, to our left the Museum of London, to our right St Paul's Cathedral, and to our left an enormous crane blocking the road while topping out yet another enormous new office block. The direct route from Commercial Road to Blackfriars Bridge would have been far quicker, but not half as interesting.
We then began our final descent into South London, speeding past Southwark station, rounding St George's Circus and lurching towards our destination at Elephant and Castle. Words cannot describe the awfulness of the shopping centre here (except for words such as 'hideous', 'over-pink' and 'poverty-stricken'). The market clinging to the pavement outside the main entrance was wretched enough but the bleak selection of shops inside was even worse, reminiscent of some struggling postwar Eastern European state. The quicker they knock this place down the better, although I believe 2010 is the earliest likely date. I had to leave - my tenth and final Square Route had finally driven me round the bend.
100 links • Route 100: journey time and connections
• Route 100: timetable
Square Routes: Day 9 x 9 Bus 81: Hounslow - Slough
Location: London west, outer
Length of journey: 12 miles, 55 minutes
The 81 heads west out of west London and keeps going, and keeps going, right off the edge of the map. I think (and Matt will undoubtedly tell me if I'm wrong) that the 81 is the London bus route that terminates the furthest away from the centre of the capital. About 25 miles away, in this case. And, as for that final distant destination, I had hoped I'd seen the last of this particular town earlier this year when my bosses sanely decided not to relocate my workplace in this far-flung hellhole. But no, here I was destined to return. Bloody square numbers.
Hounslow felt far west enough, but this was merely where my journey on the 81 began. The bus station here has seen better days, just eight featureless bus bays beneath an ancient roof, and thankfully due to be rebuilt before the end of the decade. I could have bought a halal burger for just £1.50 nextdoor in the Hounslow Snack Bar but I chose not to. The town centre was thronging with red and white buses, while jet planes droned overhead on their final approach into Heathrow. I didn't think the shopping centre was too bad actually, but then I'm used to East London and almost anywhere else's shops are better than that.
In the High Street our bus was boarded by a teenage single mother in a bright pink coat with white fur trim. At first glance her hair appeared blond, but closer inspection showed that her roots were as black as her eyeliner. She carefully manoeuvred a giant pink three-wheeler pram (with leopardskin trim) into the wheelchair space, then settled down to flick through something important on her mobile phone. The pram was full of cuddly toys, its interior completely sealed off from the outside world by a protective plastic covering. Of the baby itself I neither saw nor heard any trace for the entire journey.
We followed the old Bath Road out of Hounslow, then took the A4 along the northern perimeter of Heathrow Airport. I ducked instinctively as an Air China jumbo screamed unexpectedly low above our heads. The airport stretched out beside us for a good three miles, a mass of towers and tailfins and terminals. On the opposite side of the road stood an endless succession of anonymous shoeboxes, or 'hotels', where weary business travellers prepared to spend yet another lonely night emptying the minibar. Near the motorway slip road the bus was boarded by a swarm of off-duty cleaners and service staff, heading west away from their menial jobs towards where the cheaper housing is. Some town planning joker had named a nearby cul-de-sac 'Heathrow Close', which was an understatement.
Suddenly we were crossing over six lanes of snarled-up traffic on the M25 and making a clean break out of London. Grey gave way to green. The winding village of Colnbrook looked like it had been successfully saved from the ravages of 75 years of motor damage thanks to the building of one of Britain's first bypasses. Langley was more suburban, one of its lampposts transformed into a shrine by the addition of several bouquets of flowers. The bloke beside me began to fall asleep, as if in anticipation of our final destination, gradually lowering his weary head onto my shoulder. As we swung round the M4 roundabout he woke with a start, apologised profusely to cover his embarrassment and then promptly fell asleep on my shoulder again.
And then Slough was upon us. Home of the Mars Bar, birthplace of Thunderbirds and an inspiration to John Betjeman. Or, as far as I could tell through the bus window, a fairly typical modern town with a huge shopping centre, lot of cars and no character. My apologies to those who live and work here, but I'm glad that I do neither. We made a full circuit of 'that roundabout you see in the opening titles of The Office' before pulling up just outside the equally legendary Brunel Bus Station. It's a grim building, dark and filthy and forgotten. My photo shows the westernmost bus stop on the entire London Transport bus network, where a line of Slough residents waited to board escape vehicle 81 back to civilisation. I had the choice of a dingy subway leading south towards the delights of the town centre or a short walk to the railway station and a fast exit. I'm sure you can guess which route I chose.
X-17
25 years of Festive Double Issue Radio Times Covers(from the dg personal collection)
1979 Group of children in woolly hats dressing up red pillar box as snowman (120 pages, 30p) 1980 Nursery scene featuring three children gazing out of window at distant star (120 pages, 36p) 1981 Dove of peace resting on church bell (120 pages, 50p) 1982 Old galleon laden with presents (120 pages, 50p) 1983 Christmas tree featuring items from the Twelve Days of Christmas (120 pages, 56p) 1984 Christmas wreath on red front door - or is it a winking face? (160 pages, 60p) 1985 Photograph of the Trotter family (Del Boy, Uncle Albert in Santa costume, Rodney) (160 pages, 64p) 1986 Photograph of the Fowler family (Michelle with baby Vicki, Lou with baby Martin, Pauline) (160 pages, 70p) 1987 Two tousled, blond, lantern-carrying carol singers accompanied by over-cute dog (160 pages, 74p) 1988 Theatre stage featuring various tasteful pantomime characters (160 pages, 80p) 1989 Photograph of King's College chorister looking supremely angelic (164 pages, £1.00) 1990 Jolly old Santa watching TV while being offered mince pies by fawning children (164 pages, £1.10) 1991 Jolly old Santa reading Radio Times featuring jolly old Santa on the cover (180 pages, £1.10) 1992 Freckled girl looking over the shoulder of wrapped-up snowman (212 pages, £1.20) 1993 Young two-front-teeth-less boy dressed in Santa costume (220 pages, £1.30) 1994 Smiling modern family drawn '50s style' wearing party hats (220 pages, £1.30) 1995 Jolly old Santa clutching big black clapperboard (220 pages, £1.50) 1996 Top-hatted snowman emerging from golden jack-in-the-box (220 pages, £1.50) 1997 Merry old Santa pulling cracker with distant snowman (230 pages, £1.50) 1998 Cowboy Santa (with lasso) riding reindeer across snowy desert (228 pages, £1.40) 1999 Blond cherub with golden halo looking into crystal ball containing Millennium Dome (228 pages, £1.50) 2000 Giant Harry Potter emerging from pages of glowing book (204 pages, £1.55) 2001 Grinning redhead wearing Christmas-tree dress while skating on village pond (220 pages, £1.65) 2002 Santa flying aboard giant robin through sky above snowy landscape (220 pages, £1.70) 2003 Jack-in-the-box-in-the-box-in-the-box (236 pages, £1.80) 2004 Santa flying yellow plane over Christmas pudding with Britain-shaped cream topping (236 pages, £1.80)
Square Routes: Day 8 x 8 Bus 64: Thornton Heath - New Addington
Location: London south, outer
Length of journey: 8 miles, 30 minutes
...except that 64 is also a cube number as well as a square number. So I took a ride on the 64 and wrote about it last year. The 64 is a fascinating non-tram ride through the outskirts of Croydon, so it's very different to all of this month's previous journeys. Go read it on my Square Routes page. Or just hang around for a new journey to the edge of London tomorrow...
Square Routes: Day 7 x 7 Bus 49: Shepherd's Bush - Clapham
Location: London southwest, inner
Length of journey: 6 miles, 50 minutes
"We must ask ourselves what the man on the Clapham omnibus would think." (Lord Justice Bowen, 1903)
According to legal counsel, the man on the Clapham omnibus is the 'ordinary, reasonable man', intelligent but non-specialist. So I thought that on this journey I'd look inside the bus for a change, observing "everyman" to see what he was doing and listening in to what he had to say. I was helped in my quest by the 49's on-board camera system which relayed seven different interior shots onto a screen directly in front of me throughout the journey. And I suspect that things have changed somewhat on the Clapham omnibus since 1903.
The man on the Clapham omnibus... ...is wearing a fleece, is listening to music on headphones, has been playing kickabout on Shepherd's Bush Green, is carrying 12 cans of cheap lager in a Morrison's carrier bag, is plugged into his Nokia phone, is young and overweight, is reading a discarded tabloid, is wearing a cheap suit, is "going to meet Dom", is sitting on the back seat with his two hungover mates, says he should have got off at the last stop, is wearing grey sweatpants, is reading a London tourist guide, is accidentally dropping books onto the floor out of a Waterstones bag, is drinking a bottle of Strathmore water, is talking into his mobile in Japanese, hasn't shaved, is probably single, is carrying a manbag, is listening to the women on the Clapham omnibus discussing hair extensions, has big teeth, is eating something that smells like macaroni cheese, is wearing a baseball cap, is breathing out alcohol, has spent £50 at the Virgin megastore in Kensington High Street, is out with his wife, is wearing a scarf, is gossiping in French, is clutching a printed out map, is carrying a green rucksack, is lugging a pushchair on board, has been to the National History Museum with his son, isn't driving a 4x4 like everyone else in Kensington, is sipping a steaming latte, is off to buy antiques in the Kings Road, is bald, is discussing Chelsea Harbour in a loud voice, is drinking Fanta, is carrying a set of golf clubs, is cradling his sleeping girlfriend on his shoulder, is bashing on the ceiling yelling "Last stop, all change".
49 links • Route 49: anorak-level bus information
• Route 49: anorak-level route information
• Route 49: journey time and connections
• Route 49: timetable
Square Routes: Day 6 x 6 Bus 36: New Cross - Queen's Park
Location: London southeast-northwest, inner
Length of journey: 9 miles, 65 minutes
And now for something just a little bit special. The 36 is one of London's seven remaining Routemaster routes, or at least it is for the next couple of months. I rode it just in time because on 28th January next year all the Routemasters on route 36 are due to be whisked away and replaced by a fleet of anonymous (but accessible) buses. The accessibility argument is especially weak in this case because the 36 is shadowed along almost all of its route by bendy bus route 436. Given the choice, as far as I could tell, passengers waiting at bus stops were far more likely to board a friendly 36 than an impersonal 436 if both arrived together.
The 36 is the longest of London's remaining Routemaster routes, crossing the capital from southeast to northwest. The route used to be even longer (and there used to be a 36A and 36B too) but the original southern terminus at Hither Green was cut back to Lewisham in 1991 and shorn still further in 1994. The route now begins in New Cross, just along the road from the bus garage, and it was here that I leapt onto the open platform ready to be carried away. The bus headed off on a direct line through South Caribbean London, where fast food shops sell patties instead of burgers and where plantains are ten for a pound. We passed shabby old housing infilled with trendy new apartment blocks, we squeezed through the bustling pedestrianised main shopping street in Peckham and the engine throbbed as we queued to traverse the ancient crossroads at CamberwellGreen.
I was surprised to discover that a TV screen had been placed just above the window at the front of this old Routemaster, broadcasting a diet of adverts, news, adverts, information and more adverts to the captive audience on the upper deck. I watched Michael Palin dash through the Arctic pulled by huskies approximately every ten minutes throughout the journey and I learned that transferring money to Ghana and Cameroon needn't cost the earth with Cashmo. Most eerie of all, however, were the occasional live shots taken by a small black and white camera positioned just above the bus's rear platform. Watching people hopping on and off was like viewing an old sepia film from yesteryear, and a reminder of these buses' long and distinguished heritage.
In Kennington I was treated to a grandstand view of the Oval cricket ground (now the ghastly-named Brit Oval) and of a vast crescent of green plastic seats which next month will be opened as the redeveloped Vauxhall End. We drove on round VauxhallCross, a giant ring road which has been undergoing a radical facelift for what seems like forever. In the centre of the roundabout lay a gleaming new bus station with futuristic steel canopy, but completion was running months behind schedule and, when we passed by, the slip road remained barriered to all traffic. (Update: the bus station opened on Saturday) On our way across Vauxhall Bridge we passed the landmark owl-shaped towers of St George Wharf, while over the river in upmarket Pimlico I spotted "Noel Coward House" (you wouldn't get away with a name like that in South London).
At Victoria the bus's clientele altered - south London disembarked and north London clambered aboard. Two hoodied boys bounded up to the top deck and spent the next 15 minutes discussing PlayStation strategy in white middle-class street patois ("did ya see the boss demon on the next level, well hard he was"). Leaf fall along Grosvenor Place allowed us to see directly into the Queen's back garden (nice tennis courts you have there, Ma'am). Up at Speaker's Corner the audience numbered only six, so there was no need for one over-optimistic orator to have brought a stepladder along with him. And a volley of passengers leapt off the platform at the Royal Oak traffic lights, as if making up for the fact that they won't be able to do so in two months time.
The final leg of the journey headed northwest into inner suburbia, crossing over the main Paddington railway line, beneath the concrete pillars of the A40Westway and above the Grand Union canal. Our bus played leapfrog with another, each taking on passengers at alternate stops as we wended our way through the last few streets of terraced villas. Our destination was a quiet triangle of roads beside Queen's Park station, at which point the conductor babysat the bus for a couple of minutes while the driver popped off to the nearby corner shop. Two Routemaster fans were standing around snapping photos of the doomed buses as each pulled up. I joined them and made three.
36 links • Route 36: anorak-level bus information
• Route 36: anorak-level route information
• Route 36: journey time and connections
• Route 36: timetable
Square Routes: Day 5 x 5 Bus 25: Ilford - Oxford Circus
Location: London east, inner
Length of journey: 10 miles, 90 minutes
The 25 is my local bus. It's the only bus that travels up the Mile End Road from Whitechapel to Stratford, and it goes straight past my front door. It is therefore a bus route I know far too much about. The 25 is also a bendy bus route. It's the only bendy bus in east London, and it's always packed, and we local residents hate it. I rode the 25 on its first day of bendiness about six months ago, wrote up my report of the horrors of bendy transformation here, and vowed that I'd never travel the complete route again. So it's that report from June which you'll find on my Square Routes page.
1) You have to buy your ticket before boarding: If you're well off you have a pre-paid Oystercard which makes boarding a bendy bus simple. If you're not well off (and let's remember that the 25 passes through Tower Hamlets, the poorest borough in the country) then you have to buy a ticket with cash before boarding. Transport for London have kindly provided a ticket machine at every bus stop along Route 25, but these are notoriously slow and unreliable. Sometimes the machine takes your money and doesn't dispense a ticket. Sometimes the machine won't even take your money, but the bus driver still won't let you pay on the bus so you're completely stuck. Many's the time I've seen unfortunate local residents still struggling to insert a one pound coin into the machine while the bus driver closes the doors and drives off. And when the cost of a ticket rises in January from £1 (one coin) to £1.20 (two coins), expect things to get worse.
2) You can get on board without paying: Actually that's not quite true. You'd never dream of getting on board without paying because you're an upstanding member of the community, but lots of people aren't. Other people get on board without paying. They just slip onto the bus through its middle or rear doors, smile at saving a quid and slip off again a few miles later. I saw herds of ticket inspectors on the route catching unticketed miscreants during the first week of bendy operation but I've not seen any since.
3) Bendy buses are too long: Bendy buses are 18 metres long, so they take up nearly twice as much road space as the double deckers they replaced. This means that traffic jams are getting longer. Longer buses are also far more likely to stop while blocking road junctions or pedestrian crossings, especially in heavy traffic. There are now two bendy bus routes down Oxford Street, a road which was always notorious for bus congestion, and it's evident that the congestion has got much worse since they were introduced. On the 25, for example, it's now usually quicker to hop off at Tottenham Court Road and walk the last half mile to Oxford Circus.
4) Bendy buses are relatively unmanoeuvrable: London's roads weren't designed for bus juggernauts, and the capital's streets are narrow, twisty and littered with obstructions. A bendy bus trying to change lanes can block the entire road, much to the annoyance of other road users. A bendy bus trying to turn a corner has to drive slowly and carefully, and can knock down street furniture and mow down the odd pedestrian in the process. It's like trying to sail an oil tanker down a narrow river. The western end of route 25 has been particularly affected, because here the bus has to take a five minute diversion down Regent Street and around Hanover Square just to avoid one impossible right turn to reach the last bus stop outside John Lewis.
5) The service on a bendy bus route is less frequent: Because bendy buses hold more people than the buses they replaced, Transport for London have bought less of them and are running them at more widely spaced intervals. TfL would argue that, overall, capacity has increased. I'd argue that I now have to wait longer for a bus. In fact I often have to wait an awful lot longer because these new buses travel bunched-up in convoys, usually with one nigh-empty bus trailing behind one packed-out service, but unable to manoeuvre past and overtake. Here's a photo showing four bendy buses nose to tail beside the Bow flyover, and I'll leave you to imagine the gap in the service that both preceded and followed this procession.
6) There aren't enough seats: Despite being nearly twice as long as the old double deckers, a bendy bus has a third less seats. Think of them more as tube carriages on wheels, with more space to stand and less places to sit. That's fine when there are less than 60 passengers on board because everyone still gets a seat. It's far less good when there are 'up to 140' passengers on board because that's really quite hellish, in the same way that travelling on the Central line in the rush hour is hellish.
7) It's no fun standing on a bendy bus: Unlike trains, London buses do not travel in fairly straight lines. They veer round roundabouts, swerve round corners and stop frequently (and rapidly) at traffic lights. This does not make for a pleasant travelling experience (unless you really enjoy rollercoaster rides, in which case it's a lot cheaper than a trip to Alton Towers). If you do end up standing then the hanging strap things are also really difficult to hang onto. They're not like those nice knobbly things that hang from the ceiling of tube trains, oh no. Instead you get to hang onto a grey plastic loop attached loosely around a high horizontal bar, and this rotates as the bus jerks about. Every time the bus swerves, you swerve. Every time the bus stops, you swing around. Hang onto one of these straps for any length of time and you'll probably do terrible things to your wrist as you jerk around like a demented puppet. I reckon these straps are a real design faux pas and should be replaced immediately.
8) It's really quite dangerous standing on a packed bendy bus: When a bendy bus gets crowded (and the 25 regularly does), tons of people end up standing squashed down the aisles and particularly in the two open spaces beside the middle and rear doors. This is especially dangerous should you end up standing just inside the doorway because the bus designers haven't provided anything suitable to hang onto. There are bars and straps further inside the bus, but you probably won't be able to reach those because other people will be hanging onto them or just standing in front of them and blocking them. All it then takes is one jolt or one fast corner and you're very likely to fall over, or at least smash into the five people attempting to stand next to you.
9) The view isn't very good: I miss the view along route 25 that I used to get from the top deck of the old double deckers. The view from a single decker just isn't the same, not least because a sizeable proportion of the seats face backwards. You'd never choose to view the Christmas lights down Oxford Street, for example, from a bendy bus.
10) Bendy buses are rubbish: They may still be red, but they're just not 'proper' London buses, are they? They're just rubbish.
Square Routes: Day 4 x 4 Bus 16: Cricklewood - Victoria
Location: London northwest, inner
Length of journey: 6 miles, 65 minutes
My apologies if you live in Cricklewood or Kilburn, but the number 16 bus route isn't exactly a thriller. There may be Marble Arch and Hyde Park Corner to enjoy, but all you see for most of this journey down the A5 arterial road are shops, shops and more shops. Most of them aren't even very exciting shops, just the sort of anonymous retail outlets you'd find along any street just outside any town centre. So I thought that for my account of this journey I'd just list the names of some of the shops I saw from the top deck along the route. There are actually tons more shops than I managed to list, but my pen started running out halfway down Cricklewood Broadway so listing suddenly became an extremely challenging task. But the bus was travelling very slowly in the Saturday afternoon traffic so I did manage to scratch down the names of the following...
Cricklewood Broadway: Lidl, Wickes, Matalan, The Cricklewood, Hammond and Son Butchers, decks.co.uk, Eboneeze health & beauty salon, Curtains Direct, thisisfurniture.com, Sheila's Restaurant and Cafe, Beacon Bingo, M C Clary Coin Op Laundry, Vid Biz, Pound Village, Cricklewood Halal (best meat and grocery), Shannon Dry Cleaners, Walford & Co Solicitors, Bagel Delight Bakery, KFC, Burger King, McDonalds, Iceland, Rupali, Herbal Acupuncture, Pink Rupee Tandoori, American Wheels, Kwik Fit.
<there are no shops on Shoot Up Hill> Kilburn High Road: Kilburn Flowers Ltd, Naam Travel, Pandora's Box 2nd Hand Shop, North London Tavern, The Kebabish, All Cash Amusements, Small & Beautiful Restaurant, Food City, NYC Hip Hop Clothing, Poolcrest Snooker Centre, Call The World For Less, Tricycle Theatre, Planet Pizza, Woody Grill, Nail Art, Classy Chicks, Poundstretcher, H Samuel, Benny Dee Clothing, Woolworths, Greggs, Brent Textiles Ltd, Purple and Pink, Dumpling Chinese Restaurant.
<there are no shops on Maida Vale> Edgware Road: Remedys Pharmacy, Threshers, Café La Marquise, Al Sutan Supermarket, Kandoo Persian restaurant, Zorba Fish Restaurant, Al Kanater (Lebanese cuisine), Caesar Ceramics, Video Prince, Micro-logic.com, Fatoush, Gulf Telecom, Grosvenor Victoria Casino, Shazia Food Hall, Woolworths, Al Mustafa, Beirut Express, Maroush Deli, Kiddy Boom, Starbucks, the Tyburn Bar, Odeon Marble Arch, Sainsbury's Local, Pret, Chequepoint bureau de change.
Park Lane: MG Rover, Stratstone Aston Martin showroom, BMW Park Lane, Porsche, London Hilton.
<there are no shops on Grosvenor Place> Victoria: The Beresford Clinic, Brava! Lingerie, Balls Brothers, H Stain Jewellers, The Shakespeare, Victoria Cafe.
16 links • Route 16: anorak-level bus information
• Route 16: anorak-level route information
• Route 16: journey time and connections
• Route 16: timetable
Square Routes: Day 3 x 3 Bus 9: Aldwych - Hammersmith
Location: London west, inner
Length of journey: 5 miles, 40 minutes
I made this journey three months too late. Back at the start of September this was a Routemaster route, but alas the new replacement boxy double deckers make the number 9 now as anonymous a route as almost any other. Shame. My third square route was a relatively-brief jaunt from the West End to West London, beginning almost directly outside the boarded-up entrance to another long lost transport legend - the disused underground station at Aldwych (deceased 1994). King's College nextdoor is much older, 175 years old this year, but still very much functional.
My journey would have been much more pleasant in a Routemaster. Just one stop down the Strand we had to wait for two minutes while a balding Japanese man battled to find change and then feed it into the ticket machine beside the bus stop. Actually we didn't have to wait - our driver was just being kind - but this delay would never have happened with an on-board conductor to sort everything out. My grandstand view of Nelson's Column would also have been considerably better had I not been sitting on a stiff plastic seat of the kind you'd expect to find in a cheap cafeteria. Still, such is progress.
Apart from TrafalgarSquare, route 9 has much to recommend it to the tourist. This might explain why five tourists crammed into the three seats next to me at the front of the top deck for most of the journey. They ooh-ed at Admiralty Arch, they ahh-ed at Piccadilly Circus and they prodded furiously in the general direction of the Ritz. I could have told them everything there is to know about Piccadilly as we sped down the bus lane there, but instead I chose to keep quiet. Knightsbridge was a bit of an ugly disappointment, although the retail cathedral of Harvey Nicks definitely caught their eye. They strained in vain to spot Princess Di'sfountain through the trees in Hyde Park as we passed close by, then disembarked rapidly when we reached the Royal Albert Hall. I'd like to think that this was for cultural reasons but I suspect it was more likely they just wanted to take each other's photos beneath the gaudy gold of the Albert Memorial.
Just before we reached Hammersmith, a sad sight caught my eye at the end of Kensington High Street. Here stands the CommonwealthInstitute, a low concrete building with a curved green copper roof which for 40 years promoted cultural diversity to an under-enlightened nation. I remember being taken round the exhibition halls as a child and seeing strange African masks from distant lands that Britain had only just realised it didn't rule any more. Alas the building now lies empty, having been closed to the public two years ago by its somewhat suspect board of trustees. A number of Commonwealth leaders support the idea that the Institute should be knocked down and the money from the sale of the land used to fund schooling for disadvantaged children. No doubt property speculators are licking their lips at the prospect, but I would be saddened if this slice of post-imperial heritage were to be replaced by 'Tanzania Court' and 'Lesotho Villas' (1 and 2 bedroom apartments available). As my number 9 journey had shown, the past is always in danger of being lost forever.
Square Routes: Day 2 x 2 Bus 4: Waterloo - Archway
Location: London north, inner
Length of journey: 8 miles, 55 minutes
From Waterloo you can catch the Eurostar to Paris and Brussels, or you can catch the number 4 bus to Finsbury Park and Archway. It's a tough choice, but I took the latter option. Waterloo station is so big that it took me a good ten minutes to find the right bus stop from which to begin my journey, out beside the rumbling Waterloo Road. An endless stream of red double deckers navigated down the street, pulling in to pick off passengers from the harbour of their bus shelter. I waited ages 4 my chosen vessel to arrive. We sailed off round IMAX Island, then steamed ahead across Waterloo Bridge. The view to port and starboard along the river from my lookout in the crow's nest was picture perfect.
The bus skirted Aldwych, passing a cluster of dossers drinking out of brown paper bags. We entered the City at the original site of Temple Bar and descended Fleet Street, now a mere shadow of its former journalistic self. I was surprised to see that the only publishers remaining in the street are Kall Kwik (based, believe it or not, in the very shop where Sweeney Todd once used to slice and dice his unshaven victims). Up Ludgate Hill we just caught a glimpse of Temple Bar in its new setting, lost in the scaffolding and redevelopment around St Paul's Cathedral. Herds of open-topped sightseeing buses passed us by, and tourists stared into our ordinary top deck as though we were sights ourselves. A few minutes later we exited the City past the giant concrete blocks of the Barbican, its flowerboxes arranged in regular tiers like some multi-coloured waterfall.
As soon as we drove north of the City our view immediately changed. The backroads of Islington (officially the very southern end of the A1 trunk road) weren't quite so wealthy, or quite so photogenic. There were a couple of exceptions - notably Upper Street (a buzzy place to whine and dine) - but either side we were suddenly reminded that real people live in London and that not all of them can afford the antiques being sold up the road. Life looked at its grimmest around Finsbury Park, although the road here did boast a view of London's finest footballstadium - as well as the Arsenal Fish Bar, the Arsenal Cafe, the Arsenal Supermarket, the Arsenal Barbers, the Arsenal Tavern and The Gunners (another pub, of course).
By the time we reached the Holloway Road our driver appeared to be trying very hard not to stop, but he was thwarted by passengers who kept trying to flag the bus down. He paused briefly along a residential avenue in Tufnell Park to let on board a mad lady and her two contrasting dogs. Mrs Mad charged up to the top deck where she let both her smelly alsatian and small yappy mongrel off their leads and let them both roam free. Then she spent the rest of the journey talking to both of her canine companions. I'm sure that repeatedly gurgling "Ooh you're so big, you're so big" is normal behaviour for a pet owner behind closed doors, but her unhinged utterances felt extremely uncomfortable on board public transport. On reaching our final destination at Archway Mrs Mad then yelled loudly at the driver to open the doors and let her menagerie disembark which, after a short delay for effect, he was only too pleased to do. I followed a safe distance after.
4 links • Route 4: anorak-level route information
• Route 4: journey time and connections
• Route 4: timetable
• Huge petition against appalling service on route 4
It's time once again for diamond geezer to spend a few days exploring London by bus. I thought I'd get out and view some more of the capital from the best vantage point of all, the top deck of a London bus. And then I'd come back and tell you all about what I saw. Just like I did this time last year.
Last year I travelled on seven buses whose route numbers were cube numbers. This year I've decided to switch my mathematical allegiance to square numbers. (1x1, 2x2, 3x3 and so on.) Square routes. I'm only going up as far as 10x10 because the journeys get a little too suburban after that, but the first ten square routes are fascinating enough. Oystercards at the ready - hold very tight please.
Square Routes: Day 1 x 1 Bus 1: Centre Point - Canada Water
Location: London southeast, inner
Length of journey: 6 miles, 35 minutes
...except that 1 is a cube number as well as a square number, which means that I made this particular journey last year. You can re-read my account of bus route 1 here. Or you can wait for the first new journey tomorrow.
What's on this weekend? Festival of Reading 2009 Fri 4th - Sat 12th December
Meet East End authors at Tower Hamlets' Idea Stores (including Dan Cruickshank).
Why you're going to celebrate New Year at the wrong time
1904 The play Peter Pan, or The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up premieres at the Duke of York's Theatre in London on December 27. It is a great success. Even the critics applaud at the end when asked to clap if they believe in fairies. "an artfully artless, go-as-you-please play which has all the pretty inconsequence of an imaginative child’s improvisation, all the wild extravagance of a youngster’s dream…" (Illustrated London News)
X-1
Christmas Alphabet word search: This word search contains 25 festive words, each starting with a different letter of the alphabet. Can you identify the whole alphabetical list from A to Y? (Sorry, I gave up on Z) (Answers in the comments box)
Bow Road update: You can't use Bow Road tube station today. You couldn't use it last weekend either, or the weekend before that. In fact, what with the Christmas weekend coming up, you won't be able to use the station on any weekend in December. Then there's three more weekend closures in January and another at the end of February, all of which makes for a prolonged period of travel misery for us Bow residents on top of all the late evening closedowns we've been suffering since March. And all because renovation work at Bow Road station is going on months longer than expected, and because it seems the only way to finally bring the whole overblown project to an end is to force passengers to find alternative travel arrangements at weekends while workmen try desperately to catch up. OK, so it's only a 7 minute walk from here down the road to Mile End, but it's the principle of the thing that matters. The chairman of Metronet admits that there have been problems...
"Refurbishment and modernisation work has started at nine stations. There has been some slippage in the programme due to the time taken in attaining design approvals and agreeing the full scope of station works with London Underground. However, we are confident that the slippage can be attributed to mobilisation and ‘learningcurve’ issues – and we aim to resolve them by the end of the financial year."Which appears to confirm my suspicions that my local station was shut after 10pm every night from March until September while virtually nothing was going on inside. Thank you Metronet. At least since October things really have started to happen. No really. Now there are black cables, and cameras, and white cables, and paint, and purple cables, and even the odd workman walking around trying to look busy during those increasingly rare hours while the station is actually open. I've still not seen one new development that improves my journey to work, though, not one. Check the comments box for further details (or go read my new 'Bow Road page' which, like the station, is still under construction).Dear Mum and Dad,
Tube strike quiz: Only two of the following excuses given for strike action on the London Underground are true. I wonder if you can tell which two they might be? (n.b. 'true' is not necessarily the same as 'justified')
Square Routes (the journeys I didn't make)
The 'Battle of Cable Street' was a pre-war watershed in the British fight against facsism. Back in October 1936 Sir Oswald Mosley aimed to stir up racial tension by rallying his loyal Blackshirts for a march through the Jewish East End of London. But he had reckoned without the strength of feeling of ordinary Londoners who were determined that the march should not pass. They set up barricade after barricade down Cable Street using bricks, barrels, corrugated iron, paving stones, timber planks and a builder's lorry. A pitched battle was fought, not against the fascists but against the police who had come to bring order to the streets. Stones were thrown, batons were raised and several participants were either injured or arrested. The protest had the desired outcome, however, and Mosley's march was re-routed west into the City where it soon dispersed. Sir Oswald would no doubt be appalled by modern Shadwell and its integrated multi-ethnic mix. The Itthadi Supermarket now stands side by side with Peter's Pie and Mash, and a giant mural on the side of the Old Town Hall commemorates the day the flames of intolerance were snuffed out.
We then began our final descent into South London, speeding past Southwark station, rounding St George's Circus and lurching towards our destination at Elephant and Castle. Words cannot describe the awfulness of the shopping centre here (except for words such as 'hideous', 'over-pink' and 'poverty-stricken'). The market clinging to the pavement outside the main entrance was wretched enough but the bleak selection of shops inside was even worse, reminiscent of some struggling postwar Eastern European state. The quicker they knock this place down the better, although I believe 2010 is the earliest likely date. I had to leave - my tenth and final Square Route had finally driven me round the bend.
The 81 heads west out of west London and keeps going, and keeps going, right off the edge of the map. I think (and Matt will undoubtedly tell me if I'm wrong) that the 81 is the London bus route that terminates the furthest away from the centre of the capital. About 25 miles away, in this case. And, as for that final distant destination, I had hoped I'd seen the last of this particular town earlier this year when my bosses sanely decided not to relocate my workplace in this far-flung hellhole. But no, here I was destined to return. Bloody square numbers.
Suddenly we were crossing over six lanes of snarled-up traffic on the M25 and making a clean break out of London. Grey gave way to green. The winding village of Colnbrook looked like it had been successfully saved from the ravages of 75 years of motor damage thanks to the building of one of Britain's first bypasses. Langley was more suburban, one of its lampposts transformed into a shrine by the addition of several bouquets of flowers. The bloke beside me began to fall asleep, as if in anticipation of our final destination, gradually lowering his weary head onto my shoulder. As we swung round the M4 roundabout he woke with a start, apologised profusely to cover his embarrassment and then promptly fell asleep on my shoulder again.
The man on the Clapham omnibus...
And now for something just a little bit special. The 36 is one of London's seven remaining Routemaster routes, or at least it is for the next couple of months. I rode it just in time because on 28th January next year all the Routemasters on route 36 are due to be whisked away and replaced by a fleet of anonymous (but accessible) buses. The accessibility argument is especially weak in this case because the 36 is shadowed along almost all of its route by bendy bus route 436. Given the choice, as far as I could tell, passengers waiting at bus stops were far more likely to board a friendly 36 than an impersonal 436 if both arrived together.
I was surprised to discover that a TV screen had been placed just above the window at the front of this old Routemaster, broadcasting a diet of adverts, news, adverts, information and more adverts to the captive audience on the upper deck. I watched Michael Palin dash through the Arctic pulled by huskies approximately every ten minutes throughout the journey and I learned that transferring money to Ghana and Cameroon needn't cost the earth with Cashmo. Most eerie of all, however, were the occasional live shots taken by a small black and white camera positioned just above the bus's rear platform. Watching people hopping on and off was like viewing an old sepia film from yesteryear, and a reminder of these buses' long and distinguished heritage.
At Victoria the bus's clientele altered - south London disembarked and north London clambered aboard. Two hoodied boys bounded up to the top deck and spent the next 15 minutes discussing PlayStation strategy in white middle-class street patois ("did ya see the boss demon on the next level, well hard he was"). Leaf fall along Grosvenor Place allowed us to see directly into the Queen's back garden (nice tennis courts you have there, Ma'am). Up at Speaker's Corner the audience numbered only six, so there was no need for one over-optimistic orator to have brought a stepladder along with him. And a volley of passengers leapt off the platform at the Royal Oak traffic lights, as if making up for the fact that they won't be able to do so in two months time.
The 25 is my local bus. It's the only bus that travels up the Mile End Road from Whitechapel to Stratford, and it goes straight past my front door. It is therefore a bus route I know far too much about. The 25 is also a bendy bus route. It's the only bendy bus in east London, and it's always packed, and we local residents hate it. I rode the 25 on its first day of bendiness about six months ago, wrote up my report of the horrors of bendy transformation here, and vowed that I'd never travel the complete route again. So it's that report from June which you'll find on my Square Routes page.
My apologies if you live in Cricklewood or Kilburn, but the number 16 bus route isn't exactly a thriller. There may be Marble Arch and Hyde Park Corner to enjoy, but all you see for most of this journey down the A5 arterial road are shops, shops and more shops. Most of them aren't even very exciting shops, just the sort of anonymous retail outlets you'd find along any street just outside any town centre. So I thought that for my account of this journey I'd just list the names of some of the shops I saw from the top deck along the route. There are actually tons more shops than I managed to list, but my pen started running out halfway down Cricklewood Broadway so listing suddenly became an extremely challenging task. But the bus was travelling very slowly in the Saturday afternoon traffic so I did manage to scratch down the names of the following...
I made this journey three months too late. Back at the start of September this was a Routemaster route, but alas the new replacement boxy double deckers make the number 9 now as anonymous a route as almost any other. Shame. My third square route was a relatively-brief jaunt from the West End to West London, beginning almost directly outside the boarded-up entrance to another long lost transport legend - the disused underground station at Aldwych (deceased 1994). King's College nextdoor is much older, 175 years old this year, but still very much functional.
My journey would have been much more pleasant in a Routemaster. Just one stop down the Strand we had to wait for two minutes while a balding Japanese man battled to find change and then feed it into the ticket machine beside the bus stop. Actually we didn't have to wait - our driver was just being kind - but this delay would never have happened with an on-board conductor to sort everything out. My grandstand view of Nelson's Column would also have been considerably better had I not been sitting on a stiff plastic seat of the kind you'd expect to find in a cheap cafeteria. Still, such is progress.
From Waterloo you can catch the Eurostar to Paris and Brussels, or you can catch the number 4 bus to Finsbury Park and Archway. It's a tough choice, but I took the latter option. Waterloo station is so big that it took me a good ten minutes to find the right bus stop from which to begin my journey, out beside the rumbling Waterloo Road. An endless stream of red double deckers navigated down the street, pulling in to pick off passengers from the harbour of their bus shelter. I waited ages 4 my chosen vessel to arrive. We sailed off round IMAX Island, then steamed ahead across Waterloo Bridge. The view to port and starboard along the river from my lookout in the crow's nest was picture perfect.
As soon as we drove north of the City our view immediately changed. The backroads of Islington (officially the very southern end of the A1 trunk road) weren't quite so wealthy, or quite so photogenic. There were a couple of exceptions - notably Upper Street (a buzzy place to whine and dine) - but either side we were suddenly reminded that real people live in London and that not all of them can afford the antiques being sold up the road. Life looked at its grimmest around Finsbury Park, although the road here did boast a view of London's finest football stadium - as well as the Arsenal Fish Bar, the Arsenal Cafe, the Arsenal Supermarket, the Arsenal Barbers, the Arsenal Tavern and The Gunners (another pub, of course).
