diamond geezer

 Wednesday, July 24, 2013

What the media are saying...

The whole country is on tenterhooks waiting for the birth of the royal baby. The entire nation is agape with excitement as the Duchess of Cambridge's due date approaches. And arrives. And passes. Expectation across the whole of the United Kingdom has reached almost unbearable levels. How thrilled we are, as we wait for Kate... Oh, she's gone into the hospital round the backway when nobody was looking.

So, erm, we're not quite sure what's going on, but we do know the Princess is in the early stages of labour, which could mean she's giving birth right now, we're not sure. All we have is a very short press release and two tweets which I'll read you, and then my colleague will read them all again shortly. This is the same hospital where William was born, incidentally, whereas Kate comes from a village in Berkshire. Let's see what the village in Berkshire looks like. And let's cut back to the hospital. There's still no news, but let's ask some people why they're standing here and whether they think it'll be a boy or a girl. A boy, you say? A girl, you think? Wouldn't it be monumental, equalitywise, if it was a girl? But still very exciting if it was a boy. It'll be either a boy or a girl, but it seems the public are divided over which it'll be. We're all very excited here I know. I'm sure you're all very excited too wherever you are. Let me read that press release for you again.

Still nothing. There's nothing to say at all, except for the thought that the royal baby might be born any time now. Oh hang on, it was born four hours ago. And it's a boy, IT'S A BOY! It's not a girl, it's a boy, so it's not a girl then. We've learned that the baby was born at 4.24pm, that's twenty-four minutes past four this afternoon, a teatime baby. And he weighed 8lbs 6oz, that's just over 8lbs, I'm not sure what that is in metric. A sturdy little chap then, 8lbs 6oz, born at 4.24pm. So we have a boy, a PRINCE, and he'll be King one day, but not for a while yet. It's the best news the country has had all year, a baby boy for the Duchess of Cambridge, 8lbs 6oz.

Now here we are outside Buckingham Palace for the official announcement. A man and a woman are going to walk out carrying a golden easel which has on it all the news I've already told you. Let's film them doing that. Let's take a look from our helicopter. The crowds are so massive it's hardly possible for anyone to get close to the railings, but everyone wants their photo with the easel. Let's ask lots of people why they're here, and speculate about what the baby might be called, and read out the message on the board again. A boy, it's actually a boy. And let's listen to the Prime Minister saying nice things. We are all so proud.

So it's the day after the birth, and there's nothing new to report, apart from the fact it's a boy. Perhaps he'll be called James or George or even Alexander, we don't know really, and we may not know for days. Ah look, it's the proud grandparents. They've been inside and they say he's gorgeous, but they would wouldn't they? Our reporter is standing in their village in Berkshire, although there's nothing to report because everyone's here. And the other proud grandparents are here too. What wonders must their eyes be seeing right now? Baby Cambridge is a real tonic for the nation, and no mistake.

And as we continue to look at this hospital door, let me just recap on the latest news. The Duke and Duchess should be leaving any time now, we're probably only minutes away. I think I saw the door move there, it should be moving soon anyway so stay tuned. All the world's press are here because this is the photo everybody wants. It'll be very soon, we understand. There were guns and bells earlier, let's listen to those again. I wonder what the prince will be called. We know how much he weighs, but the name is still a mystery. Just a few last formalities here at the hospital, and then I'm sure we'll be seeing the new family out here in front of the world. Perhaps any minute now. Perhaps sooner than that.

Oh look, the door's opening and here they come and oh blimey there he is. It's The Baby, the actual Prince of Cambridge, slightly visible inside a blanket, poking out from the arms of the Princess. Doesn't she look radiant, so beautiful, in the full bloom of motherhood. And the baby looks so very happy too, I think, it's hard to see much, but he must be happy surely. This is so emotional and amazing, it's history in the making. Such good news for us all, as the nation cheers, and the prince rides off in a car seat. It's not yet time for the next programme so let's just pontificate about what this all means, and how happy we all are, and show the same footage again in case you missed it five minutes ago. I may actually melt with pride and excitement. See you all back here in 2043?
 What the media aren't saying...

Has she not had that baby yet? Sheesh, this is going to go on for weeks, isn't it? Mindless speculation and excitable smalltalk, that's all we have to look forward to until the royal sprog drops. Like we care. She's just a lucky commoner, and a virtually upper class commoner at that, who happens to have shacked up with a bald chap with good genes. I couldn't give a toss quite frankly.

Oh God, she's entered the hospital and the show is on the road. I suppose they're going to broadcast non-stop now until the entire performance is over, even if there's bugger all to talk about. The media have no information at all, it's just people talking about nothing much to fill the time. There's plenty of real news in the world at the moment, much of it about ordinary people being shafted by authority, but do we hear any of that? Oh no, instead we get a rolling outside broadcast from a stuck up village, a scrounger's palace and a private hospital. Heaven only knows what the government's getting away with at the moment, busy dismantling another wing of the NHS while the media fixates on the royal cervix. It's a good day to bury any kind of news whatsoever. And why do these reporters keep saying everyone's so very proud and happy. I'm not, I'm sick to the back teeth already, and nothing's happened yet. Will somebody please shut Nicholas Witchell up?

Hang on, why have they cancelled the TV programme I wanted to watch? Oh boy, she's actually had the baby, and I guess we'll not hear the last of it for hours. It's really nothing special - woman gives birth to child, it happens thousands of times a day. It's just that this child is part of the bloodline that runs the country, poor bugger. The rest of us have the freedom, if not the money, to do what we like, but he's doomed to a life of permanent scrutiny and opening old people's homes. Ah yes, it's a boy, this royal baby. Wouldn't it have been great if it had been a girl, newly equal in the eyes of the law? The Daily Express wouldn't have known how to react.

Ok, so we know the basics, it's a boy and he'll be king one day. We don't have to hear it again and again and again, except apparently we do. I presume somewhere there's an audience lapping this up, the sort who buy Royal Baby teatowels and who'll stash tomorrow's souvenir newspaper away for posterity. Indeed precisely the sort of sheep who turn up outside Buckingham Palace to try to catch sight of a tiny easel beyond some railings hidden behind a seething barrier of human snappers. Oh shut up Prime Minister, we don't all care, we're not all proud, and this is no special day in the life of our nation.

Have you seen the lickspittle front pages of all the papers? And they're burbling about nothing else on breakfast television, or at least burbling about nothing. Just wait a week and we'll all find out the prince's name, so stop speculating. It'd be great if he was named Prince Finlay or Prince Jayden or Prince Mohammed, because that would look great on all the coinage in 60 years time. And for all we know this baby will turn out to be a republican, or an embezzler, or a serial adulterer, or even a well-adjusted homosexual. That'll bugger up the traditional line of succession, and no mistake.

Seriously, are we all watching a hospital door now? The TV and the press, from the UK and abroad, all staring at a pair of swing doors until an unspecified moment. I'd rather be watching The One Show than this, which is saying something, especially given it's a highlights show tonight. Please stop talking about nothing, Nicholas. I know it's what you're paid to do, but couldn't you introduce just a slight element of questioning or doubt rather than spewing forth a stream of sentimental claptrap. At least you're not interviewing that bloody town crier character again - once was too much - or claiming that we're all "living in a fairytale". Honestly, this broadcast's nothing but promotional puff for private healthcare.

Oh at last, they're coming out to face the world. The baby's not very visible, is he. You wait all that time and then the best view is of half a bald head sticking out above a sheet. And as for the friendly chat with the Duke and Duchess, did nobody think to point a microphone at the journalists asking the questions? All we're getting is two parents' smiley responses to unheard queries, which makes for embarrassing television, not a moment to treasure. Please stop cooing and fussing. It's only a baby for goodness sake, what were you expecting, a space lizard? In any well adjusted society a future monarch's birth would be a brief lead item on the news, not a fawning 24/7 global media bandwagon. Here's hoping for less vacuous hysteria in 2043.

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