diamond geezer

 Sunday, September 11, 2016

St Median's Academy
            gloria in media civitate

Dear Parent or Guardian,

We will soon be opening up a new selective school in your area - St Median's Academy - and hope very much that you will consider us for your child's future education.

No doubt you were super excited when you heard that the Prime Minister wanted to bring back selective schooling. Her plans for a "great meritocracy" will have struck home with every aspiring family in Britain, especially those worried by the ever increasing number of bog standard comprehensives. Now every child will be able to reach their full academic potential, and help secure their future earnings, and maybe even learn a bit of Latin along the way.

For many middle class families not fortunate enough to live near a successful school, a terrible choice has to be made at age eleven. Bankrupt yourself by sending your child to private school, drive them twenty miles each day to a beacon of good practice located out of catchment, or hold your nose and send them to the local comp and pray they don't turn out as criminals, junkies or oiks. It's a scandal the current system has lasted as long as it has.

A network of newly-created grammar schools will shortly spread across the country, especially in areas where grandparents remember how good they used to be. Hastily-assembled sponsors will come forward, vacant council land will be acquired, supremely qualified staff will be employed, and millions of entrance exams will be taken. For the fortunate eleven year-olds who pass, an educational journey to knowledge and glory will begin.

But you're still worried, aren't you?

You've known for some time that your beloved son or daughter isn't the sharpest tool in the box, so they're never going to make it into the grammar school of your choice. They didn't take to music lessons, they still don't know all their tables, they've never taken an interest in museums, and they omit the occasional full stop when you're not doing their homework for them. It's OK, they're not exactly special needs either, but all the tutoring in the world isn't going to make a difference.

That's where we come in.

St Median's will be a selective school with its focus unashamedly on the average pupil. We won't be inviting the top third or the bottom third through our doors, only those sandwiched in the middle. Our modus operandi will be to take the intermediate in ability, so long overshadowed by their peers, and provide them with the middling education they deserve. What's more we know your unexceptional son or daughter will genuinely fit into our establishment, and deep in your heart you already agree.

We're convinced we've identified a significant gap in the selective schools market. Grammar schools will be creaming off the brighter pupils, leaving behind a top-sliced population previously condemned to life in a secondary modern. But we want to take the best of the rest, the pupils who'd otherwise have been branded failures, and give them an education unencumbered by the least able, the behaviourally challenged and those with special needs.

Targeting St Median's for your child will allow you to breathe a huge sigh of relief. Little Oliver and darling Jessica will enjoy a secure educational future at a good school with like minds, with none of the dross, and need never enter into the competitive maelstrom of expensive tutoring. Your child is guaranteed to earn a perfectly middling mark on the 11 Plus without any coaching or cramming, leaving them to enjoy their childhood, and you several thousand pounds better off.

The homogeneity of our intake will also be a great boost to our overall organisation and management. St Median's will have no need for top or bottom sets, so we can teach everyone in extra-large single-ability classes. We won't need Mandarin language labs and remedial workshops, nor expensive Oxbridge-educated staff and social workers, and we won't be doing Further Maths or basket-weaving, just the basics. Our shareholders are already giddy with excitement at the sheer cost-effectiveness of it all.

So please consider St Median's for the education of your child. They're not grammar material, and you know it, but that's no excuse to bundle them in with the genuine failures and throw them on the scrapheap. Now every school can be a selective school, embracing educational inequality and driving down social mobility for the greater good. An average education need not be disadvantageous, and a middling academy need not be mediocre.

Yours faithfully,

Norm Everyman

<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>

click to return to the main page

...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan20  Feb20  Mar20  Apr20  May20
Jan19  Feb19  Mar19  Apr19  May19  Jun19  Jul19  Aug19  Sep19  Oct19  Nov19  Dec19
Jan18  Feb18  Mar18  Apr18  May18  Jun18  Jul18  Aug18  Sep18  Oct18  Nov18  Dec18
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17  May17  Jun17  Jul17  Aug17  Sep17  Oct17  Nov17  Dec17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

my flickr photostream