diamond geezer

 Friday, May 15, 2020

I worry that my TV remote is about to break. It's been dodgy for a while, sometimes working when I press a button and sometimes not. It's not the batteries because I've changed those, and it's not the sensor because my sightline's clear, it's definitely the remote. Something inside rattles when I shake it, but I try not to shake it too much in case that dislodges something important and breaks a crucial connection. I worry because my TV doesn't have an on switch, let alone any exterior button which allows me to change the channel, because the 21st century can be so impractical sometimes. Should my remote fail then my TV will be essentially bricked, and I can't nip down to Currys and buy a replacement because Currys is closed.
Obviously I could order a new TV to be delivered, but that'd be a ridiculously expensive over-reaction. I could simply order a new remote, because Amazon has those for £30, or there are questionable generic copies for under a tenner. But I'd still be without a TV while the package arrived, and being without a TV isn't a good thing at the moment. Actually, I see Sony do a 'remote' app for my smartphone, so if I downloaded that I could still use my TV uninterrupted in case of gizmo malfunction. But none of that will stop me from worrying that my TV remote is going to break, because I genuinely don't need the hassle.
I worry that my phone is going to die. The battery's been a bit temperamental for a few months because it's pushing three years old, indeed I've been doing damned well to string it out this far. Sometimes the percentage plummets unexpectedly, and if it plummets to zero that's not good news. But in the week that lockdown started it plummeted to zero and then wouldn't turn back on no matter how many cables I plugged in or buttons I pressed. I spent five agonising hours convinced my phone was never going to revive, furious that battery failure had happened at precisely the wrong moment, until ohthankgod it somehow magically woke up again.
Obviously I could buy a new phone, but that's ridiculously expensive compared to simply replacing the battery, which I can't get done at the moment because all the shops that replace batteries are closed. In the meantime I'm trying to ignore the 'battery service' indicator that's been triggered and trying to make sure the battery never quite gets down to 0% again, just in case. I see Apple have very recently brought out a new model which they describe as a 'budget' phone, so maybe after five years it's finally time to upgrade. But I'd rather not upgrade, because oh the palaver, and my technological inertia always wins out.
I worry that my laptop is going to expire. It's even older than my phone, and the other week the dreaded blue screen of death suddenly appeared at the same time as a loud electronic screeching noise and I thought dammit, there it goes. Thankfully the machine rebooted straight away as if nothing awful had ever happened, but I worry that now it's done it once it could do it again. I worry particularly because buying a new laptop online is bloody difficult if your laptop is broken, and I think I mentioned that all the shops are shut. You should perhaps worry more because if my laptop dies you'll have nothing new to read for weeks, so consider this a tentative advance warning.

I worry that my microwave is on the verge of breaking. The start button's suddenly not as springy as it was and has started clicking when I press it, which isn't how it's supposed to function. This stickiness only started a few weeks ago, then briefly went away but is now definitely back. None of the other buttons and dials on the front of my microwave can be made to turn the thing on, so if my start button breaks my oven will be kaputt. Again the online purchase of a microwave is a possibility, but in the past I've dashed to Argos and had a replacement in place in under an hour, and hanging out for a protracted courier delivery simply cannot compete.

I worry that the fluorescent tube in my kitchen is going to blow. It usually fails every couple of years or so and the current tube is dangerously close to the limits of normal service. One day soon I expect to flick the switch and hear the tube splutter and fail, plunging the room into darkness, which would be bloody awkward because my kitchen has absolutely no natural light whatsoever. Flimsy glass tubes aren't exactly delivery-friendly, and again my go-to shop in Stratford is closed so I worry this would inhibit my ability to prepare food for a considerable period.
I don't worry that my kettle is going to break, because my kettle did break three weeks before lockdown and I jumped on a bus and bought a replacement. Instead I give thanks that it broke at the end of February and didn't decide to linger on until the end of March, because that would have totally scuppered my ability to brew vital lockdown refreshment. Likewise I'm ecstatic that my gas supply was turned off last September while builders tried to work out how to fit a new boiler, because if that two month energy hiatus had happened now I would have been screaming in abject misery.
I'm increasingly concerned that one of my teeth might break, even though one never has, because getting that sorted under current conditions would be an absolute nightmare. I've started being extra careful walking up and down stairs because now is not the time to end up in A&E with a broken limb, even though I've never done that either. I'm also giving knives and scissors a little extra respect, being extra wary of bumping my head on cupboard doors and trying harder than usual to avoid straining my back while doing housework. On top of all this I've yet to succumb to appendicitis, so hope very much that 2020 isn't the year.

I should perhaps be more worried about catching coronavirus, but it's good to have other lesser things that haven't happened yet to preoccupy me instead.


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