diamond geezer

 Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Vacancy #CV19-4872
37.5 hours a week
Full-time, Temporary
Salary: £8.72 /hour

Dear Mr Geezer

Thank you for your application to join our Contact Tracing Army.

It is gratifying that you are so keen to join our never-ending fight against the global disease and those spreading it. Only by identifying the undesirables in society can we hope to contain the infection.

Our phonebank of volunteer interrogators will be the cornerstone of national renewal. Without diligent tracking and timely isolation the virus will swiftly re-establish itself amongst us, damaging the already fragile economic recovery. We hope to onboard you to our nationwide team shortly.

Unfortunately the software needed to complete registration is not yet ready, our online training is suffering teething troubles and the contact tracing app on the Isle of Wight requires further iterations before public rollout. Nevertheless we remain convinced that the entire process will be up and running on 1st June, as promised, or alternatively sometime thereafter. Your role in all of this will be critical.

In the meantime, we ask you to stay alert and save lives.

Our future plans rely on knowing everything about everyone. To this effect we are establishing a new national database to be populated not only by names and addresses, but also statuses, proclivities and probable intentions. Any data you can collect before 1st June will therefore be enormously helpful in moving forward our ultimate goal of comprehensive mass surveillance.

As a Home Office Informer the evidence you gather about your neighbours will be essential. We need you to be the eyes and ears of your community.

We suggest you sit by your front window with a small notebook, twitching your net curtains as appropriate. What are your neighbours doing. Why might they be doing this? Can they be trusted?

Answers to the following specific questions would be particularly helpful.
• Who are their regular and occasional contacts?
• Could they be borderline feverish?
• Is that hayfever or might it be a persistent a dry cough?
• Did they leave the house more than once a day during April?
• Have they recently had friends or family round? (please give details)
• Are they the sort to meet up for a barbecue in the park?
• Might they be claiming Universal Credit fraudulently?
• Is theirs potentially a marriage of convenience?
• Do they ever talk in a funny European language?
• If so, have they ever tried to use the NHS without paying?
While you have your notebook open, we would also appreciate it if you would keep tabs on the other members of your household. Basic details such as age, distinguishing features, lifestyle choices and political affiliation can be entered later into our online spreadsheet. Your initial training will also cover how to scan personal emails for incriminating evidence, the basics of video surveillance and elementary blackmail techniques.

Our ultimate aim is to sign up 170,000 full-time unofficial collaborators, along with a much larger number of occasional informers. An East German-style points system will be used to select the most appropriate candidates.

It is imperative that you download the new NHS Contact Tracing app when it becomes available, because as an employee of the state we need to know where you are at all times.

Please also encourage friends and family to do the same. Later in your training we will explain how to upload the app in stealth mode so that it cannot be detected. We already know more about the population of the Isle of Wight than any other part of the country, and need this unprecedented accumulation of data to continue.

On an unspecified future date we intend to make use of the app mandatory when accessing all types of public service, and early adoption will ensure that your personal health score will be optimised. Subject to confirmation by the Home Secretary, only those scoring above 60% will be allowed to travel abroad and only those scoring over 80% will be allowed back in.

Please do not tell anybody that you have applied for this role. We have been trying for years to introduce a National Identity Database and are delighted to have the perfect opportunity to slip it into operation under cover of a global health crisis. Your cooperation in this matter is greatly appreciated.

We will be in touch again once we have firmed up protocols and got the technology working. We may be some time.

Yours faithfully,


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