Thank you for your letter requesting additional funds for Transport for London.
We recognise that TfL cannot continue to provide a comprehensive transport system during this unprecedented pandemic, and are revelling in the position of strategic dominance your weakness provides.
Thank you also for your continued intransigence. This enables us to impose increasingly punitive conditions on the capital thereby furthering the government's stranglehold over local democracy.
As you know my special adviser Andrew Gilligan used to contribute to Mayoral transport policy so is an unrivalled expert. Additionally the Prime Minister spent eight years chairing the TfL Board and you've barely managed four. Consequently we are convinced that central government is considerably better placed to make strategic decisions than a mere directly-elected representative.
As part of our latest funding settlement we require you to:
» increase fares by more than inflation
» end free travel for the under 16s and over 60s
» roll back over-generous pension payouts to TfL staff
» obtain future funding through a precept on council tax
» extend the Congestion Charge to the North and South Circular Roads
Centralised control will allow us to impose all the transport policies Boris didn't dare introduce when he was in office, safe in the knowledge that your administration will now get the blame.
We therefore intend to impose additional legislative conditions as payback for a further series of short-term funding settlements going forward.
• taxi drivers to be given unlimited access to bus lanes
• Waterloo & City line permanently closed to fund pothole repairs
• Westminster station to be renamed 'Sir Winston Churchill'
• unaccompanied children to be banned from buses
• deregulated introduction of e-scooters
• a fresh coat of paint on all London's cycle lanes
• new cablecar to replace Hammersmith Bridge
• touching-in to be enforced on rail replacement buses
• branches of IKEA to appear on the tube map
• Oyster card phased out in favour of contactless only
• free parking for French lorries in all non-Royal parks
• Piccadilly line to be renamed after highest bidder
• DLR temporarily suspended to save money
• half-price bus fares on all New Routemasters
• work to restart on the excellent Garden Bridge
• vouchers issued for one free Uber journey per household
• Zone 6 to be seceded to the neighbouring Home Counties
• step-free access must be added at all stations
• full steam ahead on London's Estuary Airport
• bus fares to match those in The North
• trams withdrawn because most Londoners never use them
• Congestion Charge extended to all Labour-controlled boroughs
• free travel for partners of TfL staff to be repaid retrospectively
• start building above Overground tracks to provide new housing
• London to pay for Metropolitan Line Extension in Hertfordshire
• all bus routes ending in '9' withdrawn to save money
• Bakerloo line to be extended non-stop to Bromley
• TfL employees to be rehired on new zero hour contracts
• £2bn penalty clause if Crossrail not open yet
• HS2 to be funded from London council tax
• Shaun Bailey appointed Chair of TfL
These conditions will be applied sequentially and cumulatively in return for funding barely adequate to keep the capital moving.
Your fares freeze has bankrupted TfL, or so everybody will assume, because we intend to point the finger squarely in your direction.
Please confirm your acquiescence to our future domination forthwith.