diamond geezer

 Tuesday, October 12, 2021

What Britain needs is a National Delivery Database.

An inventory of specific instructions for every address in the country.
Something for delivery companies to refer to before they arrive.
A simple solution to make sure they deliver it right.

We could all have our own entry.

You need to park in the layby around the corner in Elder Street.
The entrance to the block is through the gate on the right.
19A is the top flat but the lower doorbell.
If we're not in the old lady nextdoor at number 17 usually is.
Only leave parcels in the porch as a last resort.

It could avoid all sorts of delays, misunderstandings and missed deliveries.

We live at the end of a long muddy drive - do not attempt in a large van.

Whatever you do, don't leave the parcel with the neighbours at number 43.

Under no circumstances leave a package in my bin on a Wednesday.

Imagine how much time could be saved if Parcelforce, DPD, Hermes, etc checked these bespoke instructions before they turned up.

Don't walk all the way down the driveway, just leave it behind the shed.

Satnavs always get it wrong, you need to take the third turning off the ring road.

The intercom is on the wall along the left hand side of the building.

You can't park outside, sorry, not since they put a cycle lane in. Also if you try parking on the pavement the traffic wardens will get you because they're based just down the road so they're always walking past - YOU WILL GET A TICKET. There is a parking space 100m down the road but it's only operational between 10 and 4 so do not try delivering outside these times. Sometimes it's already full because lots of other people are getting deliveries in which case there are no legal options but you could try squeezing in front of the church gates - they don't usually penalise you there especially if you're quick. If the package is thicker than a video tape it will not fit in the letterbox. Don't blame me, I didn't choose the design. The intercom system is a bit ropey and you might need to shout to be heard above the sound of passing traffic. Please note I normally only answer the doorbell if I'm expecting a delivery. This is because so many delivery drivers just stand there pressing all the buttons in a desperate attempt to be buzzed in and I've grown very tired of being expected to admit a package that isn't mine. Do not leave packages in the entrance lobby, we've had problems with them going missing. The address is on the tenth floor. Sorry the lift isn't working at the moment. Please knock loudly.

It'd probably prove necessary to restrict each entry to, say, 100 characters.

Parking is available in a designated bay between 10am and 4pm only.

It might be helpful if the database included a personalised location map more accurate than just a general postcode.

There are 12 houses in the street, we're the third one on the left.

The bungalow is two down from the corner of the lane inbetween 'Oak View' and 'Trevelyan'.

But it might all end up getting a bit passive aggressive.

If turning up outside the designated hours a phone call would be appreciated.

Do not fold means DO NOT FOLD.

If leaving a card, please try to scribble legibly.

Why not just throw it over the hedge?!!

From my sofa I can see you coming down the path, so don't try leaving a note saying I wasn't in.

There's also a risk the information could end up being out of date.

We're out this morning so Jackie at number 6 has said she'll take it.

There are roadworks in the High Street so best come via the big roundabout.

Hurry up with the pizzas, we're starving!

And if the database had widespread public access it might make crime a lot easier.

Best buzz flat number 12, they always let anyone in.

We're normally out on the school run between 8.30 and 9.

The lady nextdoor is hard of hearing but she normally has her door on the latch.

Also there could be significant privacy issues.

Please call 5 minutes before arriving. My mobile phone number is 07700 900364.

Don't park in front of Mrs Lewis at number 22, she's a curtain-twitching miseryguts.

We do not take packages for Daniel Smith, he moved out last month to 158 York Street, NW7.

And you'd probably be wasting your time because drivers are always under serious pressure from management to make deliveries as fast as possible so they'd never have the time to read what you'd so carefully written anyway.

But a National Delivery Database is exactly what Britain needs.

Even though it would never work.

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