Fancy some Dickerage?
Then get yourself down to New Malden and grab it by the short and curlies.
Dickerage Lane pokes up from Kingston Road and thrusts north. Its length is impressive and you'll want to stick with it right to the tip. Before beginning your Dickerage journey be sure to make the most of the privacy of the recreation ground opposite, and maybe head into Rajah's News for a top shelf magazine or a meaty snack. Also note that the new flats on the corner are still very much up for grabs, and come with wipe-clean bathroom tiling and a SMEG hood in the kitchen.
If you've not enjoyed Dickerage before then you're in for a treat. Step past the pillarbox with its gaping red slot and admire the wall which a gang of men has comprehensively pebbledashed. The first few houses are the oldest in the street and have names like The Cott, Holly Cott and Rose Cottages, and all because cottaging was commonplace hereabouts in Victorian times. Best not linger, there's a fair whack to come yet. Fifteen minutes of mild exertion should cover it.
Adams House is the finest erection in Dickerage Lane and looks rock solid too. At present it's all boarded up but the redevelopment plan is for it to shoot up to eight storeys with commercial services available at ground level. As for the King's Oak, however mighty its original girth it now lives on only in the name of a pair of adjacent schools. Raffle ticket prizes in their Christmas draw this year include a Magic Hands gift voucher, a pack of toilet rolls and a tailormade dog collar. Yes that is a humped zebra outside the main gate.
It's here that Dickerage perks up and starts rising from the horizontal. The road has to elevate to allow trains from Waterloo to pass underneath, and also narrows to a tight squeeze controlled by traffic signals making this the lane's only red light district. Pick your moment carefully and you can stand astride the peak to experience the Norbiton Flyer at full throttle as it plunges into a dark cavity and vibrates beneath you. The view from the highpoint is somewhat anticlimactic but yes, that white pole you can see in the middle distance is for atmospheric ejaculation from Kingston Hospital.
If you're looking for something large to play with then beyond the railway lies Dickerage Lane Recreation Ground, a triangular hotbed of energetic delights. Perhaps thwack your balls on the tennis courts, pull off a few tricks in the skatepark or climb the phallic tower and hurl yourself down the slide. On the far side is a thick strip of secluded woodland where you easily could get physical without being seen. And although the community centre may look like a cheap prefab it also offers your best chance to beat off the local members, not necessarily at table tennis.
Once upon a time this whole area was part of Dickerage Farm, indeed the community centre marks the precise location of the farmhouse making it the true focus of all the Dickerage hereabouts. It's also where Dickerage Lane morphs into Dickerage Road, because until those suburban housebuilders came along there was no need for the lane to extend any further. As you pass its front gardens keep your eyes peeled and you might spot current Dickerage residents manhandling tools, fiddling with their dipstick or trimming their bush.
The parade of shops by the mini-roundabout is called The Triangle and offers a wealth of worldly delights. The Kingfish chippie can conjure up a salty saveloy for £2.30 or a battered sausage for just 10p more. Allan Barbers will slip you something for the weekend, best eased on its way with lubrication from Coombe Hill Pharmacy. The menu at the Lebanese restaurant offers spicy meatballs, hot sauce and grilled 🍆 salad. Even the Post Office is set up for deposits and withdrawals if you ask nicely at the counter.
The remainder of Dickerage Road is a classic suburban avenue where heaven knows what goes on behind the net curtains. Vehicular progress is regularly interrupted by humping. A drain in the middle of the road gurgles in spits and spurts from the base of the shaft. A wide variety of knobs and knockers are on display, some with peepholes. Only those with a firm grasp of Dickerage get to penetrate inside. The Dickerage Road Allotments are hidden down a backpassage. Don't say you're not pumped to be here.
Near the end of the road I spotted a utility worker with a large helmet suspended in midair manhandling the tip of a stiff pole. I wondered if he might be wielding a chopper or poking a rod but instead he was engaged in some kind of hand job tugging on a resident's cable. It all looked quite cumbersome. After I'd passed his temporary erection the road finally bulged towards its climax at the junction with Coombe Lane West and suddenly my interaction with Dickerage was over.
You may not give a toss until you visit Dickerage for yourself, but come on, it's not hard.