TfL run three bus routes whose numbers start with an X.
X68: Russell Square → West Croydon X26: West Croydon → Heathrow Central X140: Heathrow Central → Harrow
...and if you look carefully at that list you might spot what I spotted, and subsequently attempted.
The 'X' signifies a Limited Stop bus, a route which skips several stops to get you to your destination faster. There is one other such route, an express between White City and Uxbridge, but thankfully they called that the 607 rather than the X207 otherwise my X-based challenge wouldn't have worked.
All these routes are due to gain additional significance as part of the Superloop, London's mostly-orbital express bus network, but that hadn't been announced when I first had the idea of riding all the Xs last autumn. Ooh, I thought, I could ride all the Xs in sequence one after the other and that would be a totally epic bloggable journey. However, due to the one-way nature of the X68 it's a journey that can only be made in one direction and starting no earlier than mid-afternoon, so I've had to wait until the summer to be able to complete the whole thing in daylight hours.
What I did was pack a rucksack with provisions and rock up in Russell Square to catch the first southbound X68 of the day, departing 3.40pm. On reaching West Croydon bus station I switched to the half-hourly X26 for a lengthy southwestern slog, and on reaching Heathrow I boarded the X140 to Harrow. I don't advise any of you to try this yourselves. Instead I'd like to invite you to predict at what time my 45 mile triple-X journey ended. Here's a comments box for that (and bonus points if you make your prediction before reading today's post). comments (60)
Buckle up, because all the drama is in the first bus ride...
Route X68: Russell Square - West Croydon Length of journey: 12 miles, timetabled 90 minutes
The X68 is a weird 'un. It only operates during peak hours and in one direction only - from Croydon to London in the morning and from London to Croydon in the evening. It makes a five mile leap between Waterloo and West Norwood, via whichever route traffic best dictates, during which period the doors do not open. And most importantly if you board before the hyperleap you can't alight until afterwards, so by stepping on board you are tacitly committing to a lengthy ride. It's been doing this since 1986, developing a loyal commuter clientele who ride the X68 to save money if not time. And you do not want to board it by mistake.
It's mid-afternoon on the north side of Russell Square, alas too late to buy a cuppa or a chicken escalope wrap from the cabmen's shelter on the corner. From this first stop it's possible to catch a bus to Putney Heath, North Greenwich or West Croydon, but the latter only twelve times a day. In an impressive example of information mismanagement the bus stop has no timetable for route X68 but does have a timetable for the 10, a route which was withdrawn from service five years ago. The only clue to upcoming unusualness appears in small type on the X68 tile (First set down West Norwood), and then on the front of the double decker when it arrives.
About ten of us are hoping to make the pilgrimage south. It's important we know what we're in for so The Driver has opened his cab to enquire "Express bus to West Croydon, yes?" before we step aboard. It must save a lot of time later if he can flush out the inappropriate dingers right at the start. I grab an optimum seat on the upper deck for what's essentially going to be a south London sightseeing tour and off we go. We don't get far. The timetable allocates ten minutes to get to Holborn station, just three stops distant, so there we wait until the clock eventually ticks round. Humidity is high and the upper deck is already approaching sweatbox conditions. A mum with two daughters licking Calippos nearly boards but The Driver swiftly dissuades her and so she steps back and waits for a real 68 instead.
A few of the X68's hardcore posse of regular travellers are waiting on Aldwych, flagging us down with an overexaggerated wave because they don't want to miss the special bus home. Nobody is waiting on Waterloo Bridge where the Thames is at mid-tide and glistening beneath a menacing sky. Waterloo station is another 10 minute timing point so here again we linger, nudging to the front of the bus stop so as not to get in the way of other vehicles. A chime sounds and The Driver makes an announcement directed at a passenger who's just tried to board the bus too early. "I only like to open the doors once," he says. Then he tells us which route we'll be taking to West Norwood... "There's been some kind of road traffic accident in Brixton so we're going via Camberwell, yeah?"... and I think, is this level of commentary normal on the X68 or is The Driver just chatty?
The onboard display is already showing the next stop as 'Norwood Road/Robson Road' even though it's over five miles away. Because we're going via the back-up route our first target isn't Lambeth North it's Elephant & Castle, where the first ring of scaffolding is starting to rise around the void where the shopping centre used to be. A would-be passenger tries to flag us down, then realises we're the X version and proceeds to wipe her t-shirt as if that were her intended hand movement all along. Walworth Road swiftly evolves from fresh towers to age-old shops, brightened by the greenest of trees. At the southern end a cyclist falls off her bike immediately in front of us - I didn't see why, only heard the shouts - and she's still picking herself up and dusting herself off as the lights change and we continue.
We reach Camberwell in 15 minutes flat, which is pretty good going but that's the advantage of not stopping anywhere. As we cross onto Denmark Hill we pass very suddenly from sunshine into shadow, our southward progress finally intersecting with a passing cumulonimbus. But it takes until we reach the summit to see the first evidence of puddles, then I see all the oncoming traffic has its headlamps on and on the descent of Herne Hill the rain finally begins. Looking out over the tents packing up in Brockwell Park it's clear the Lambeth Country Show had a narrow escape, calendarwise. Thus far I've been really impressed how fast the journey's been, despite going the long way, but at Tulse Hill we hit a long line of traffic and the lights barely let anything through. It's a good day to be on a bike, but then the lightning starts and it's a better day to be in slow-moving metal box.
The timetable allows 35 minutes to get from Waterloo to West Norwood but we've taken an extra 10, having spent 40% of the allocation within walking distance of our target but unable to alight. Just before we get there a chime heralds another unexpected announcement from The Driver. "No standing on the upper deck or stairs please", he says, even though nobody is standing on the upper deck and there's nobody on the stairs. The ladies in the adjacent seat share a look with me, raise their eyes and smile. The Driver goes on to tell us he's on a "Double Espresso" today, a shift that involves driving the X68 twice with an empty run back to Russell Square inbetween. Sharing shift patterns with your passengers isn't normal and means I've concluded he is indeed unusually chatty, whereas in fact the stairs announcement was the significant one and will shortly lead to an attempted assault.
From West Norwood onwards we become a normal bus, effectively a 468, and passengers can board and alight as they please. Given it's now nigh five o'clock they do this in some numbers. The seat beside me is taken by a man clutching a security-tagged packet of dishwasher salt who promptly fires off a photo of his treasure via a messaging app. Progress remains slow, especially up Knights Hill which proves a struggle for our decently-laden bus and we crawl up it at tortoise speed towards the summit at Crown Point. Here we finally enter Croydon, but only the borough of Croydon because real Croydon is still over three miles away, alas, which is plenty long enough to listen to several unnecessary phone conversations about what went on at school today.
On Beulah Hill, amid the general cut and thrust, an upper deck passenger dings the bell and prepares to disembark. The Driver promptly calls out "Come off the stairs please" and the miscreant duly continues downwards. That was a bit harsh, I think. I often pause on the stairs if a bus is decelerating and throwing me off balance because I prefer to hang on where I'm standing rather than risk continuing downwards. The Driver is not so forgiving. After the lad's left he sets off the chime again and delivers a full-on lecture about injuries on stairs, ending with the immortal line "you tell passengers and they still do it". Well of course they do, I think to myself, because there are thousands of buses out there but only one Driver with a stairs-obsessed bee in his bonnet.
We've passed the TV mast and are now on our final descent, although West Croydon is still far ahead somewhere down there amid a wooded suburban plain. And then it happens, another passenger pauses too long on their descent of the stairs and the driver plays his safety announcement again. But this time the target isn't having it. "But I was coming down the stairs!" he shouts. The driver isn't having it either and reiterates the safety argument, and so the argument continues. I'm with the passenger here, he was coming down the stairs and he might have lingered much longer than a health and safety assessment would recommend but it's hardly a public shaming incident.
Except things then ramp up, from "But I was coming down the stairs!" to "You can't tell me nothing!!" to "Just do your f***ing job!!!" and ultimately, with tempers at flaming pitch, to "Come outside and I'll slap you!!!!" I am no longer on the passenger's side, this is an appalling state of affairs, eased only when the incandescent one alights and fumes away. "We'll that doesn't normally happen' says The Driver, and I think thank goodness because that was the worst argument I've experienced on a bus for many a year. And then The Driver plays the "No standing on the upper deck or stairs please" announcement again, just to ram the point home to those still on board, and I think well maybe if you stopped lecturing your passengers unnecessarily maybe the thing that doesn't normally happen would never happen at all.
The atmosphere aboard the bus rapidly calms, like the aftermath of a particularly zingy thunderstorm. We're still only in Thornton Heath although the timetable suggests we should be there by now, there being the clump of futuristic stumps we can finally see on the horizon. The queue of traffic down Whitehorse Road is particularly dreadful but that's rush hour Croydon for you. I know what time my next bus is due to depart and I am increasingly pessimistic of making the connection, especially when the temporary traffic lights by Strathmore Road turn amber and trap us for at least the fifth time. If I'd been the driver I'd have accelerated through, I think, and then I remember what being The Driver entails and change my mind. When the final set of lights on Wellesley Road holds us back but allows the empty X26 into the bus station I think damn, and indeed by the time I make it downstairs and over to the far bus stop it's closed its doors and departed without me.
The X26 is normally a half-hourly service but it has one 39 minute gap in the morning and one 36 minute gap in the evening and I've just hit the start of the latter. I retreat to the benches where the X68 is still flipping its blinds and, oh hang on, The Driver reopens the doors and addresses me. "Can I help you?" he asks, which seems an odd question and I shrug and he asks again. "You looked lost," he says, and I can't work out if he's being genuinely helpful or sarcastically suspicious because I've been paying too much attention to his vehicle - the grin on his face could professionally be either. I tell him I've just missed my next bus and he says he's sorry, and I think "and I hope I never find myself on your bus again" but I keep that to myself because some arguments just aren't worth having.
Route X68: Russell Square - West Croydon
