Monday, July 17, 2023
100 incontrovertible opinions
In case you've ever wondered what to think, let me enlighten you.
Migration: Not as simple as the racists like to think.
Vacuuming: Doesn't need doing daily.
Time travel: Alas forever the realms of fiction.
Phones: Watching auto-play videos is the opium of the people.
Driving: If you have to then you have to, but try not to.
Cricket: Anything but.
Sadiq Khan: Not perfect, but far less imperfect than the alternative.
Gun control: Never strict enough.
Brexit: Stupidest thing the country's done this century.
Secrets hidden in plain sight: Please stop.
Gender in sport: It's complicated, but it's not worth getting endlessly furious about.
Pizza: Olives should be opt-in only.
Extroverts: Worth meeting occasionally.
Quality Street: The coconut eclair has no place in modern society.
Populism: Three steps away from fascism, often fewer.
Commercial radio: Never by choice.
Income Tax: Should be higher, should always've been higher.
Barcodes on stamps: The bastardisation of a design classic.
Political correctness: If you describe something as 'woke', I judge you a fool.
Sir Keir: He's not trying to appeal to people who'll vote for him anyway.
Oasis or Blur? Blur, patently.
Eating out: Shouldn't be a luxury.
Climate change: Inexorable catastrophe I won't live to see the worst of.
Voter ID: Needs to be reversed at the earliest possible opportunity.
Women's World Cup: Still not interesting.
Elf: Vastly over-rated.
Cyclists: Not the spawn of Satan.
Getting older: Often challenging, rarely good, but better than the alternative.
Bottled water: Is bought by idiots.
Proportional representation: Sounds like it'd work, but probably wouldn't.
Golf courses: If they're inside the Green Belt, build on them.
Green Belt: Any permitted development should be 100% social housing.
Flying first class: Thanks for subsidising the rest of us, you intolerant fools.
Inflation: Far more insidious than the non-mathematical assume.
Boris Johnson: Is going to be roasted by the history books he hoped he'd be lauded by.
British Summer Time: Works fine as it is, thanks.
NHS: Must be free at the point of use forever.
Student loans: Ridiculously burdensome tax on aspiration.
Rupert Murdoch: Has singlehandedly made the world a worse place.
Vaping: Still bad, but smells better than the alternative.
AI: Could be a force for good but will be used as a force for bad.
Elections: At least do some research before you just vote for 'change'.
Low Traffic Neighbourhoods: Yes absolutely, stop whingeing.
Religion: Fiction you're welcome to believe but which shouldn't restrict the options of others.
Hats: Unnatural affectations.
Tory government: The bastards are about to get their comeuppance and rightly so.
The Marvel Cinematic Universe: Tediously overcomplicated.
Language: People who misuse the words 'surely', 'probably' and 'maybe' should be whipped.
Foodbanks: Shameful evidence of incorrect priorities.
Local government spending: Should not be centrally capped.
ULEZ: You didn't throw your toys out of the pram when it extended to Inner London in 2021.
Modern music: All sounds the same.
Daily Mail: Bigoted propaganda masquerading as news.
Coffee: Shameless profiteering queued for by addicts.
Politics: Should be a celebration of debate, not the art of deflection.
The seasons: Spring is better than Summer is better than Autumn is better than Winter.
Huw Edwards: Potential non-story whipped out of all proportion.
Musicals: Vacuous opera for the masses.
Water companies: Nationalise them (after making shareholders responsible for their debt).
House prices: Yeah, bring 'em down.
The Met Police: Don't tar them all with the bad eggs.
Twitter: A brilliant tool if used well, but being clumsily destroyed.
Scone or scone? The latter.
Ukraine: Absolutely has to win (but without killing the rest of us).
Supermoons: Astronomical bolx lapped up by a dumbed-down media.
Patriotism: Doesn't mean we're better than everyone else.
Death: The point beyond which you know nothing.
The milk: Goes in second.
Constitutional monarchy: Better than the presidential alternative.
Trans rights: 100% absolutely.
Dates: The day comes before the month.
Open plan offices: Why so many people want to work from home.
Custard: Much better than beer, should come in pints.
The BBC: Absolute national treasure to be protected at all costs.
Licence fee: Better than your stupid suggestion.
BBC bias: They're trying not to be, whatever you blinkeredly think.
Life elsewhere in the universe: I hope so, because I'd hate to think this is as good as it gets.
High interest rates: Punishment with none of the promised rewards.
Pyjamas: Ideally unnecessary.
Podcasts: Too many egotists in need of a good producer.
Guinness Book of Records: Will certify any old rubbish these days.
Covid: Of course the vaccine worked you morons.
Jam or cream first? It genuinely doesn't matter.
Just Stop Oil: Right underlying idea, but arrogant wankers.
E-tickets: Should never be compulsory.
Frictional borders: Be careful what you vote for, you may get it.
Christmas pudding: Better warm.
Abortion: Basic human right.
Cats or dogs?: Ideally neither (and never the latter).
Football: The best bit is between seasons when all the pointless punditry goes silent.
Justice: Never as interesting as the crime.
HS2: For heaven's sake just build it (not that I expect to be able to afford to ride it).
The future: Simultaneously better and worse than the past, but it's all we've got.
Barbecues: At least a picnic's over quicker.
Cash: More important than cardwavers and apptappers think it is.
Apologising for slavery: It's a bit late for that.
Midnight: Invariably worth staying up for.
Jealousy: Rather than moaning that some are paid too much, campaign for the majority be paid more.
God: No.
Tolerance of others' opinions: Always (unless they're wrong).
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