In case you've ever wondered what to think, let me enlighten you.
Migration: Not as simple as the racists like to think. Vacuuming: Doesn't need doing daily. Time travel: Alas forever the realms of fiction. Phones: Watching auto-play videos is the opium of the people. Driving: If you have to then you have to, but try not to. Cricket: Anything but. Sadiq Khan: Not perfect, but far less imperfect than the alternative. Gun control: Never strict enough. Brexit: Stupidest thing the country's done this century. Secrets hidden in plain sight: Please stop. Gender in sport: It's complicated, but it's not worth getting endlessly furious about. Pizza: Olives should be opt-in only. Extroverts: Worth meeting occasionally. Quality Street: The coconut eclair has no place in modern society. Populism: Three steps away from fascism, often fewer. Commercial radio: Never by choice. Income Tax: Should be higher, should always've been higher. Barcodes on stamps: The bastardisation of a design classic. Political correctness: If you describe something as 'woke', I judge you a fool. Sir Keir: He's not trying to appeal to people who'll vote for him anyway. Oasis or Blur? Blur, patently. Eating out: Shouldn't be a luxury. Climate change: Inexorable catastrophe I won't live to see the worst of. Voter ID: Needs to be reversed at the earliest possible opportunity. Women's World Cup: Still not interesting. Elf: Vastly over-rated. Cyclists: Not the spawn of Satan. Getting older: Often challenging, rarely good, but better than the alternative. Bottled water: Is bought by idiots. Proportional representation: Sounds like it'd work, but probably wouldn't. Golf courses: If they're inside the Green Belt, build on them. Green Belt: Any permitted development should be 100% social housing. Flying first class: Thanks for subsidising the rest of us, you intolerant fools. Inflation: Far more insidious than the non-mathematical assume. Boris Johnson: Is going to be roasted by the history books he hoped he'd be lauded by. British Summer Time: Works fine as it is, thanks. NHS: Must be free at the point of use forever. Student loans: Ridiculously burdensome tax on aspiration. Rupert Murdoch: Has singlehandedly made the world a worse place. Vaping: Still bad, but smells better than the alternative. AI: Could be a force for good but will be used as a force for bad. Elections: At least do some research before you just vote for 'change'. Low Traffic Neighbourhoods: Yes absolutely, stop whingeing. Religion: Fiction you're welcome to believe but which shouldn't restrict the options of others. Hats: Unnatural affectations. Tory government: The bastards are about to get their comeuppance and rightly so. The Marvel Cinematic Universe: Tediously overcomplicated. Language: People who misuse the words 'surely', 'probably' and 'maybe' should be whipped. Foodbanks: Shameful evidence of incorrect priorities. Local government spending: Should not be centrally capped. ULEZ: You didn't throw your toys out of the pram when it extended to Inner London in 2021. Modern music: All sounds the same. Daily Mail: Bigoted propaganda masquerading as news. Coffee: Shameless profiteering queued for by addicts. Politics: Should be a celebration of debate, not the art of deflection. The seasons: Spring is better than Summer is better than Autumn is better than Winter. Huw Edwards: Potential non-story whipped out of all proportion. Musicals: Vacuous opera for the masses. Water companies: Nationalise them (after making shareholders responsible for their debt). House prices: Yeah, bring 'em down. The Met Police: Don't tar them all with the bad eggs. Twitter: A brilliant tool if used well, but being clumsily destroyed. Scone or scone? The latter. Ukraine: Absolutely has to win (but without killing the rest of us). Supermoons: Astronomical bolx lapped up by a dumbed-down media. Patriotism: Doesn't mean we're better than everyone else. Death: The point beyond which you know nothing. The milk: Goes in second. Constitutional monarchy: Better than the presidential alternative. Trans rights: 100% absolutely. Dates: The day comes before the month. Open plan offices: Why so many people want to work from home. Custard: Much better than beer, should come in pints. The BBC: Absolute national treasure to be protected at all costs. Licence fee: Better than your stupid suggestion. BBC bias: They're trying not to be, whatever you blinkeredly think. Life elsewhere in the universe: I hope so, because I'd hate to think this is as good as it gets. High interest rates: Punishment with none of the promised rewards. Pyjamas: Ideally unnecessary. Podcasts: Too many egotists in need of a good producer. Guinness Book of Records: Will certify any old rubbish these days. Covid: Of course the vaccine worked you morons. Jam or cream first? It genuinely doesn't matter. Just Stop Oil: Right underlying idea, but arrogant wankers. E-tickets: Should never be compulsory. Frictional borders: Be careful what you vote for, you may get it. Christmas pudding: Better warm. Abortion: Basic human right. Cats or dogs?: Ideally neither (and never the latter). Football: The best bit is between seasons when all the pointless punditry goes silent. Justice: Never as interesting as the crime. HS2: For heaven's sake just build it (not that I expect to be able to afford to ride it). The future: Simultaneously better and worse than the past, but it's all we've got. Barbecues: At least a picnic's over quicker. Cash: More important than cardwavers and apptappers think it is. Apologising for slavery: It's a bit late for that. Midnight: Invariably worth staying up for. Jealousy: Rather than moaning that some are paid too much, campaign for the majority be paid more. God: No. Tolerance of others' opinions: Always (unless they're wrong).
