Minutes of the Superloop Nomenclature Committee July 2023 - Meeting 7
Chair: I'd like to welcome all our experts to this seventh meeting of the Superloop Nomenclature Committee. Our job today is to allocate the numbers for each route. Secretary: Thank you chair. Shouldn't take long. All we have to do is fill in this map.
Minion: But it's not a loop is it, it's got a gap in it. Secretary: I'm sorry but we confirmed the name of the network in our first meeting. Everybody loved Superloop when Dickie suggested it. It may be spatially flawed but we can't go back now. Minion: But it's not a loop, it's got these three radial extras. Secretary: I'm sorry but we confirmed the rationale for the network in our second meeting. Everybody nodded when Colin said all the express routes should be included. It may be nonsensical but we can't go back now. Minion: But it's not a proper network, one of the routes doesn't link up with any of the others. Secretary: I'm sorry but we confirmed the composition of the network in our third meeting. Everybody agreed we couldn't exclude the route through the tunnel we haven't built yet. It may look ludicrous but we can't go back now.
Chair: So we have ten route numbers - SL1, SL2, SL3, SL4, SL5, SL6, SL7, SL8, SL9 and SL10. Our job today is to allocate one number to each route. Minion: But they look like Slough postcodes. Secretary: I'm sorry but we confirmed the prefix SL in our fourth meeting. Everybody applauded when Margaret reminded us the Superloop doesn't go to Slough. It may be unfamiliar but we can't go back now. Minion: But SL8 sounds like "'s late", SL10 is unnecessarily lengthy and as for SL2... Associate: Ey ey, ba day, ba wadladie day, ay um ba day, ba day, ba wadladie day. Chair: Excuse me? Associate: Sorry, just a mid-90s cultural reference. The target demographic will love it. Chair: Whatever. Secretary: I'm sorry but we confirmed the numbering of the ten routes in our fifth meeting. Everybody agreed SL one to ten was the only way to go. Some of the combinations may be regrettable but we can't go back now.
Chair: And in our sixth meeting we confirmed the rationale for the numbering, namely that the routes be "numbered sequentially in a clockwise order". Everyone: Absolutely, very sensible, the only possible option.
Secretary: Great, so here's how we're numbering them.
Everyone: [gasps]
Minion: What in heaven's name have you done there? It's an abomination. Secretary: No, this is exactly what we agreed - sequentially in a clockwise order. Minion: But I assumed we'd be numbering the loop sequentially. Secretary: Oh no. Minion: But I assumed we'd numbering the loop first and then the silly extras. Secretary: Oh no. Minion: But I assumed we'd be starting from the river because that's where the gap is. Secretary: Oh no. Minion: But I assumed, well I'm not sure what I assumed but it definitely wasn't this. Secretary: So we're all agreed then?
Minion: But it starts in North Finchley?! Secretary: Absolutely. North Finchley is a key outer London suburb, the first place anyone would think of. Hasn't even got a tube station to distract things. Also it's at the top of the map so it makes perfect sense to start there. Minion: But you can only ride SL1 and SL2 before there's a great big gap across the river. Secretary: Absolutely. We don't want people riding the loop all the way round, that would be like purgatory. Minion: But you haven't actually numbered them clockwise. The SL3 starts south of the river at Thamesmead but the SL4 starts north of the river at Canary Wharf, so they should be the other way round. Secretary: Absolutely not. If you check on a proper map and not this diagrammatical simplification you'll see that Thamesmead is in fact 200 metres further north than Canary Wharf, so ya boo sucks this numbering is perfectly correct. Minion: Also you've given the one-way-only peak-hours-only X68 a lower number than the much-better-used considerably-more-significant X26. Secretary: Absolutely. We all agreed to number these clockwise so the X68 has to become the SL6 even though you can hardly ride it. Minion: But you still haven't actually numbered them clockwise. The SL9 starts at Heathrow which is further south than the whole of the SL8, so they really should be the other way round. Secretary: Ah, you might be right there. But we never said where we were measuring clockwise from... and, erm, if you start measuring from, erm, King's Cross then, ah, White City comes just before Heathrow so they're definitely numbered the right way round QED. Associate: Well you've convinced me.
Secretary: Also have you noticed how the routes are arranged like the hands on a clock. SL1 and SL2 are top right, SL4 and SL5 are bottom right and see how brilliantly the SL6 points straight down? That's totally deliberate, it'll make it much easier for the public to internalise. Minion: But if you're trying to match the hands on a clock then the route heading west should be SL9, not SL8, so that's now doubly wrong. Also it can't really be a clockface because the top one would have to be SL12 but we've only got ten routes not twelve. Also we tried this clockface arrangement with Cycle Superhighways and it was great to start with but when the network expanded the rationale fell apart and they had to renumber everything and our Cycleways are now an impenetrable incoherent mess. Secretary: Alright, pretend I never mentioned the clockface thing.
Minion: And what if we add any new routes in the future, won't that mess up the pattern? Secretary: We don't have the money to add any new routes in the future, and even if we did then that's another administration's problem so they can sort it out. Minion: But when the public see a map of this won't they just scratch their heads and laugh? Secretary: We're not going to show them a map for heaven's sake, we don't do maps any more. This is just a diagram for internal purposes which was knocked up by an intern in their lunch break. Admittedly we have mocked up a blurry version with all the route numbers colour coded and listed in a separate column down the side, because that way nobody will unpick how illogically they're arranged, but I doubt we'll publicise it.
Minion: So are we changing the numbers then? Secretary: Oh no, they're already fixed, this meeting's just to rubber stamp things. Minion: But the loop starts from North Finchley and goes SL1 → SL2 [gap] SL3 → SL5 → SL7 → SL9 → SL10! Secretary: Yes, we all agreed they'd be "numbered sequentially in a clockwise order" and that's exactly what we've done. Minion: But... Secretary: It makes perfect logical sense, the public will totally get it.
Chair: Well I think that wraps up the final meeting of the Superloop Nomenclature Committee. Thank you everyone. Shall we head across the corridor to the first meeting of the Overground Naming Committee and see what a mess of things we can make there?
