I never expected applying for my 60+ Oyster Photocard would be so impractically sluggishly difficult.
It started with a lie...
...and then went pear-shaped when my application ended up on the Imbecilic Duff-Coded Screen of Digital Quicksand.
I understand most people have no trouble and their card arrives comfortably before their 60th birthday. Mine alas arrived over a week afterwards, having got embroiled in unnecessarily complicated procedures and systematic inadequacy. If you're part of the team that designed the website, I take comfort from the fact the card will probably have been scrapped before you reach the eligible age.
Day -14
It's two weeks before my 60th birthday. I head jauntily to TfL's photocard website and set up an account. Simple. I have definitely entered my correct date of birth. However I don't appear to have the option of applying for a 60+ Oyster Photocard. The options are there for an 18+ Student Oyster or Apprentice Oyster but not the card I'm supposed to be eligible for. Ah well, not yet.
Day -13
Still no option to apply. I ring the TfL helpline to see what's going on and am told sorry, it's not true that you can apply two weeks in advance like it says on the website. Instead it's 10 days in advance so try again then. The callguy knows that the website is misleading but doesn't know why.
Day -12
I check again today, just in case. No change.
Day -11
I check again today, just in case. Ooh, I can apply now. So I do.
I already have an up-to-date photograph because I've just renewed my passport. I upload that and position it nicely in the box. I've also already scanned my passport in readiness. I upload the necessary page and type in the ridiculously long serial number underneath. I doublecheck to make sure every character is correct. Finally I enter my credit card details ready to pay the necessary £20. Hurrah, I think as I press Pay, my 60+ card will be with me within days.
But at the point where I'm expecting to have to verify my purchase the transaction stalls. A whirly circle appears and shows no sign of going away. I wait. I wait some more. I go and do something else for 20 minutes. Still the circle whirls. I realise this is never going to complete, refresh the page and try again.
I upload my photograph and my passport again, then re-enter my bank details. This time I get through the verify screen, receive a verification code and enter it on the page. Easy, I think, here we go. But instead of accepting my payment I get an error message.
Your payment was unsuccessful.
If you are paying for a 60+ or 16+ London application please check that the address on your photocard web account matches your payment card's billing address.
Hmmm, maybe my address needs a tweak. I alter it slightly, then upload my photograph and my passport again, then re-enter my bank details, then verify my payment. I do this several times, but every time the site refuses and I get the same error message. So on my sixth attempt I try something different which will ultimately lead to my downfall. I tick the box that says my address is different to that on my card.
And I am taken to the Imbecilic Duff-Coded Screen of Digital Quicksand.
OK, I need to download and print off a verification letter. I don't actually have a printer, which could be awkward, but BestMate does and I can get him to print it later.
But the letter won't download. If I try to open the file it says "Format error: Not a PDF or corrupted". I try downloading it several times and it won't. I try this in more than one browser and thus confirm it's not me at fault, it's the letter. This is particularly peeving because I don't know what the next step is. "Print off your verification letter and follow the instructions" isn't much use if you can't open the letter.
OK, what if I go back a screen in my browser? No it won't let me do that. OK, what if I try to scrub this application and start a new one? No it won't let me do that.
Application in progress
You can't update your details while you have an application in progress. Once the application is complete you will be able to update your details.
It's all got a bit Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy... I can't complete my application, and I can't continue until my application is complete. I am trapped on the Imbecilic-Duff-Coded Screen of Digital Quicksand.
I ring the helpline again. I explain that I'm trying to download the letter but the pdf is corrupt. Oh yeah that happens, says the callguy. This is not entirely reassuring. I ask if he can email me a proper pdf but he says he can't. I ask if he can delete my application and let me start again but he says he can't. What he can do is arrange for a paper copy of that letter to be sent to my home address. I then have to take it to a Post Office with two forms of ID and £20 so that my application can proceed. I am not keen.
The only escape, apparently, is to start a completely fresh application using a different email address. I mull this over for a while and decide against. I expect to have this 60+ card for seven years so I'd prefer it was attached to my main email address rather than some sidehustle I check less frequently. Go on then, I say, post me that letter. And then I sigh a lot.
Day -10
Somewhere at TfL HQ, or in the bowels of some contractor, my validation letter is printed. I know this because today's date was at the top of the letter when it finally arrived.
Day -9
It hasn't arrived yet. This isn't surprising because the helpline guy said it might take 3-5 working days. While I'm waiting I decide to apply for my Senior Railcard because you can apply for that up to two weeks in advance too. That payment goes through perfectly smoothly.
Day -8
My 60+ validation letter hasn't arrived yet. I do however receive a letter from British Gas which, according to the date at the top, was posted 9 days ago. This makes me realise I am now at the mercy of an inadequate postal system.
Day -7
According to an email my Senior Railcard has already been printed and posted.
Day -6
My 60+ validation letter hasn't arrived yet.
Day -5
It still hasn't arrived yet. Surely it'll arrive tomorrow.
Day -4
Never risk a surely. This is annoying because I'm going to be 60 in four days time and there's now pretty much zero chance of my 60+ card arriving beforehand.
Day -3
Hurrah, the validation letter arrives. However it arrives in the afternoon while I'm off attending a matinee of the The Mousetrap so I don't find it until I get home, by which time my local Post Office has closed. That's another day of unnecessary delay.
Thank you for your recent application online for a 60+ Oyster photocard.
As all the steps couldn't be completed online, you need to take this letter to a Post Office in London by [Day 3] with an original document from the list below.
In better news my Senior Railcard has just arrived so I can now get to Aberdeen for 1/3 off even if I can't get to Mile End for nothing.
Day -2
I take the validation letter to my local Post Office, first thing. The guy behind the counter knows what to do, checks my original documents and asks me to pay £20. But he can't generate a card, he merely attaches a receipt to my letter and hands it back. Hopefully digital rumblings are occurring back at TfL HQ. But when I get back home and check online, the Imbecilic Duff-Coded Screen of Digital Quicksand is still there.
Day -1
Aha, an update. "Your application is currently awaiting approval. Please check back here for updates to the status of your application." I don't hold out much hope that anyone will approve my application over the weekend. What I do instead is take my Senior Railcard to a tube station and get the bloke at the barrier to add its discount to my ordinary Oyster card. I'll take that as a small win, one day before I'm actually a Senior.
Day 0
It is my 60th birthday and I don't have a 60+ Oyster photocard despite applying for one ELEVEN days ago. Up until today I couldn't really grumble because getting the card before my birthday would have been a nice perk. But today I am entitled to free travel yet can't have it, which does now seem unfair. Instead I end up paying TfL £8.40 for today's travel and begrudge every last penny. And all because I once ended up on the Imbecilic Duff-Coded Screen of Digital Quicksand.
Day +1
Aha, an update. "Your application has been approved and your card is being created." Hurrah, it's finally made it to the printers. But this is the stage I should have been at ELEVEN days ago if only that first payment had gone through properly.
Day +2
Aha, an update. "Your card has been despatched and should be with you within five working days." At long last, hurrah. Although five working days is essentially a week so it could be a long time before my card actually arrives. BestMate's birthday card arrives belatedly in my letterbox. "Oh, I sent that ages ago", he says.
Day +3
Probably much too early but I check my letterbox enthusiastically. Obviously no.
Day +4
I spot the postman coming down the street and wait expectantly on the other side of the flap as he reaches into his bag. No, nothing.
Day +5
Still nothing. However my 60+ Oyster account has suddenly sprung into action enabling me to manage the card online. One of the options allows me to view my journey history... which is of course blank because my card is still in the post.
Day +6
I get slightly excited when I spot a white envelope in my letterbox, but it's another letter from British Gas telling me they're raising prices.
Day +7
I've been 60 FOR A WEEK and my 60+ card still hasn't turned up. A more typical experience, from what I've read on Reddit, is that the card arrives five days early.
Day +8
Oh come on, it must arrive today. It doesn't.
Day +9
Today is the fifth working day after my card was despatched. I check my letterbox at midday, nothing. I check it again at 1pm and my postman is firing envelopes into various slots. Sigh, a council tax bill. But underneath is an envelope from Northampton and HOO-BLOODY-RAH my 60+ Oyster photocard has finally arrived. I hate the photo, I love the card.
"Please find attached your Oyster photocard. It is for your use only and you should start to use it immediately."
That's a bit presumptuous. In the end it takes me fifteen minutes to get some shoes on and slap my new card against a bus's yellow pad, which I hope is immediately enough. Also the letter mentions free travel on "TfL Rail", a mode which expired three years ago, so if you're the minion in charge of this letter perhaps you could update the text.
Now the card's arrived it'll transform my ability to travel around London, of which more later. It is a totally marvellous thing for a newly-old person to own. But I cannot believe I applied ELEVEN DAYS BEFORE I was 60 and it only arrived NINE DAYS AFTER, and all due to the Imbecilic Duff-Coded Screen of Digital Quicksand.
I was bedevilled throughout by longer than usual postage times, which is totally Royal Mail's fault. I was also unfortunate in that validating my application stretched either side of a weekend, slowing things down. But I was really scuppered by the need for TfL to mail me a copy of the pdf I couldn't download from their website because it was corrupt, without which the pink and blue phases wouldn't have happened. Fundamentally I was shafted by bad programming and by a system that failed to mitigate its impact.
If you're turning 60 any time soon, or if you're thinking of applying for any related photocard, I urge you not to end up on the Imbecilic Duff-Coded Screen of Digital Quicksand. It's irreversible, it's inescapable, it's corrupted and it'll cost you, so for the sake of everyone who comes after me I hope someone fixes it soon.
