Aluminium micro scooter: silver version of a naff toy that even 4-year old girls now consider to be uncool.
Biro: a 20th century invention that’s much quicker than getting your palmtop computer out, logging in, trying to write something and printing it out.
Blog: website written by someone in the misguided belief that they have something to say.
Camcorder: a device for recording tedious family holidays for playback to a captive audience.
Dotcom: the way to make virtually no money.
DVD: a sly attempt by big business to make you fork out again for a film you already own on video (see also Compact Disc, Audio Book)
E-mail: means of online communication that takes 20 times longer than a phone call of the same length.
Free unlimited net access: fat chance.
Hacker: a spotty teenager from abroad who uses your computer more than you do.
Internet: an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of keyboards, but no sign of Shakespeare yet.
Keyboard: a drip tray for collecting spilt coffee and biscuit crumbs.
Mobile: the phone you can use anywhere, lose anywhere, and annoy other people with everywhere.
MP3: a toss up between John and David, after Tony (MP1) and Gordon (MP2).
Off-peak: only 37p a minute, rather than 65p.
Surf-bored: tired of using the Internet.
Text messages: the only thing children still write in class, but under the desks, not on them.
Upgrade: essential extra purchase to prevent your PC going out of date a week after you buy it.
www: the only known abbreviation that is six syllables longer than the phrase it replaces.
Zapper: one of the five, soon to be 13, identical black control units lost down the side of your sofa.
Any further contributions welcome, especially G, J, L, N, P, Q, R, V, X, Y...
