• Shall we go out to the nightclub?= Do you want to stand packed into a dark, sweaty, loud room for six hours?
• Isn't there an interesting crowd here tonight?= Of course, normally I'd cross the road to avoid these people.
• Two cans of lager and two bottles of water? That'll be £13 please= Just smile and pay up, you've been conned.
• All I can see is a forest of Celtic tattoos= You're five foot one tall and standing in the middle of the dancefloor.
• My head is spinning, my brain is flashing and I love all of you = That wasn't an aspirin you swallowed earlier.
• I appear to be dancing to an uplifting remix of an old Bryan Adams tune= Your musical taste has temporarily vanished.
• I'm sorry, I can't hear a word you're saying= You've been standing too near the speakers and will be buzzing til Tuesday.
• My eyes are rolling, my teeth are grinding down to stumps and I can't sleep = See, I told you it wasn't an aspirin.
• Ugh, this morning all my clothes smell of cigarette smoke= You really did go out last night after all, it wasn't a dream.
• I'm posting this at 7am on a Sunday morning without spelling mistakes= You didn't really partake in much of the above.
