Dear DG
I have been standing at this pelican crossing for ages but the traffic hasn't stopped yet. Should I press the button? Yes There's nothing more annoying than arriving at a pelican crossing where somebody else is already waiting, standing around for what seems like an age, and then suddenly realising that the idiot has been standing there for ten minutes without pressing the button. The traffic doesn't stop all by itself you know. As the first person to arrive, it was your responsibility to press the button, to save you from the red-faced embarrassment of me having to walk over and press it for you.
Dear DG
There are lots of people standing at this pelican crossing but the traffic hasn't stopped yet. Should I press the button again? No The button at a pelican crossing only needs to be pressed once. Perhaps you are that special kind of person who believes the more often you press the button, the quicker the traffic will stop. Not so. Pressing the button more frequently and with increasing frustration merely goes to show that you are a stressed and impatient individual and are highly likely to die of a heart attack before the age of 45. Personally I'd like to wire up all pelican crossing buttons to the mains so that anyone pressing the button more than five times in three seconds receives a fatal electric shock.
Dear DG
I've been waiting patiently on the 7th floor for ages but the lift still hasn't arrived. Should I press the button again? No It's a well known fact that the more often the buttons on a lift system are pressed, the more confused the lift becomes. Pressing too many buttons too many times on too many floors merely sends the lift to all the wrong floors, where it then waits for people who aren't there to travel to floors they didn't want to go to. Probably best to take the stairs.
Dear DG
I'm waiting to get onto an underground train but the doors haven't opened yet. Should I press the button? No It's a complete mystery why anyone ever decided to put 'Open' buttons on the outside of tube train doors. These are never used, not even at far flung suburban overground stations where all the doors still open automatically to let the cold wind whip through the carriage despite the fact that nobody wants to get on or off. Only tourists ever press the 'Open' button. They then stand their scratching their head wondering why the button doesn't work and end up getting their fingers smashed in the doors when they close too quickly afterwards.
Dear DG
I'm waiting to get onto a Docklands Light Railway train but the doors haven't opened yet. Should I press the button? Yes The doors on a DLR train only open if you press the button. This can be very confusing for those tourists who've finally managed to work out that you never press the button on tube train doors. These people tend to stand there like lemons waiting for the doors to open automatically, only for the train to glide off suddenly towards Canary Wharf. It can also be very difficult to reach the button on a very crowded DLR train, particularly if you've lost some of your fingers in an earlier door-closing accident elsewhere.
Dear DG
My name is George W Bush and I have a friend called Tony. Should I press the button? No Enough said.
