diamond geezer

 Saturday, March 01, 2003

vun.... two.... three....The Count

So, I spent the whole of February counting certain things that happened to me and reporting back here on how the count was going. It unnerved a few people in the office who couldn't quite work out why I either knew or cared that I was drinking my eighth cup of tea of the day. It unnerved my Mum, who's finally been able to keep tabs on how often I've been going out and what I've been (hic) up to. And it unnerved me, because I had hoped some of those counts would have been higher, and that some wouldn't have been as high as they turned out. Anyway, you'll be thrilled to know that the final results are now in. One month, twenty-eight days, four weeks, ten counts and three thousand tally marks.

Count 1 (Blog visitors): More than two thousand people have logged in to diamond geezer in the last month (that's about 75 a day, for those of you who care... which would be just me then). Thanks if you've been one of those two-thousand-plus because it's good to know there's an audience out there, particularly when that audience is higher than BBC Three's getting. A special hello to my visitor from Icelend, and a reticent howdy to the official who surfed in from somewhere inside the US government - Osama's not hiding here, OK?
Total number of visitors to this webpage in February: 2141

Count 2 (Google searches): Google searches are like a window on the soul. When you type your secret search request into that little box you no doubt desperately hope that nobody else will ever find out the object of your inquisitive desires. Unfortunately, those of us with webpages get to find out with alarming regularity. So, to the people who landed here searching for "aled jones songs between 1980 to 1985", "artist grandad we love you" and "steam engine blue prints downloads free", I know the name of an excellent psychologist. And be careful what you type in future.
Total number of search engine referrals to this webpage in February: 316

Count 3 (Blog content): OK, so I was wrong that you're only allowed to post 100KB of data a month on a Blogger blog without them charging you extra. That would be silly. And I'd not noticed because I hadn't exceeded 100KB before, until this month. I have at last succeeded in posting "substantially more than the vast majority of bloggers publish". Not bad for the shortest month of the year - and let's see if I can do even better in March.
Total number of kilobytes of diamondgeezer in February: 108

Count 4 (Spam): I never really liked Spam, nasty slab of reconstituted meat that it is. School dinner ladies used to batter it and serve it up when they'd run out of other ideas... which would have been every other Thursday as I remember. Alas, modern spam is just as unwelcome, and arrives far more regularly. Spam, spam, spam, proper email, spam, spam, fried eggs and spam. Just the thirty this month here thankfully, but over half of those in the last week, which I suspect is not a good omen for the future.
Total number of spam emails I received in February: 30

Count 5 (Nights out): Two years ago, when I was living in Ipswich, I spent three nights out during the whole of February. Now, as an EastEnder, that total's shot up to three weeks. It seems a little unfair to be paying three times the rent in London merely to be out of the flat for so much of the time but, to be honest, that's one of the reasons for living here. My monthly count's included two films, one musical, two gigs, five clubs, a fair few pubs and a depressingly poor attempt at ten-pin bowling. I suspect March won't be able to live up to that total, but I shall have fun trying.
The number of nights in February I went out and was vaguely sociable: 21

Count 6 (Alcohol intake): Hmm, that's quite a lot then - 16 litres in total, and roughly two bottles a day on average. Just in case you reckon I'm a complete alcoholic, I'd like to assure you that the total number of non-Becks-related alcoholic drinks I consumed in the last month was only two. Sadly that may just have convinced you instead that I have no taste.
Total number of bottles of Becks I drank in February: 58

Count 7 (Tea intake): Tannin's my real addiction, then, averaging five cuppas a day. We do tea properly in our office, with a teapot and everything. Us tea drinkers get five minutes gathered round the pot to take a break and have a good gossip, whereas the coffee drinkers have to go out into the rain to Starbucks to spend thirty times as much on a posh latte with all the caffeine removed. Mine's a milk with no sugar, no wet hair, no hole in the bank balance and no stained teeth, cheers.
Total number of cups of tea I drank in February: 135

Count 8 (Trains used): Some people (car drivers mostly) hate travelling on trains. Trains are slow, overcrowded, underfunded, overpriced and you just have to sit there stationary in a tunnel while the driver reminds you for the two hundredth time that there is no service on the Central Line at the next station. Me, I'm happy to let someone else do the driving, giving me a chance to read the newspaper on the way to work, eye up the talent and and laugh off the Congestion Charge. Well trained, that's me.
Total number of trains I travelled on in February: 103

Count 9 (Exercise taken): Why do people stand on escalators? More to the point, how dare people stand on escalators, with umbrellas, shopping bags, small children, suitcases, even pushchairs, all blocking the way of us serious escalator-walkers. It's great exercise, and in the last month I've walked up the equivalent of the new World Trade Center that they haven't built yet. Meanwhile, for all those of you who seem to enjoy standing on escalators, head buried deep in a fitness magazine, I'm more than happy to continue to walk straight past you.
Total number of escalators I walked up in February: 73

Count 10 (Mystery count): A whole month, and my mystery count hasn't even made it to one. There was a moment when I thought it might, but no, there's been nothing mysterious to count here all month. Obviously, had the total crept off zero at some point, I would have told you, dear reader, exactly what it was that I was counting. As it is, just be reassured that a count of zero isn't always a bad thing...
Total number of times that the mystery event happened in February: 0


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