diamond geezer

 Thursday, June 26, 2003

Dear Sir or Madam,

We at Big Brother Inc are pleased to announce that we have recently taken over from MI5 as the chief contractor for individual covert civilian surveillance in the UK. We would therefore like to take this opportunity to keep you updated with your own personal Statement of Whereabouts, updated via police, CCTV, internet, mobile phone, speed camera, satellite and supermarket records so far this week. A more detailed statement covering the period since 1991 is available on request. We apologise for accidentally sending this statement to your mother in 1998.


Client number: 47319478XP
Client name: Restricted
Date processed: 26/06/03

22/06/03 [12:47] local high street: Accidentally mistaken for known sex offender by experimental CCTV image-matching software. Your mugshot now scheduled to appear in tomorrow’s Sun newspaper.
22/06/03 [12:49] local high street: Caught by CCTV picking your nose in public – this video-clip will appear next weekend on You’ve Been Framed.
22/06/03 [15:12] local superstore: Detected buying whole-fat milk – insurance company automatically raises your life insurance premium by 17%.

23/06/03 [17:37] M1 junction 11: Speed camera registers you travelling at 72mph (that's 3 penalty points, plus an enormous fine to help provide us with even more cameras).
23/06/03 [17:42] M1 junction 12: …and, hang on, if you’ve just driven 5 miles in 4 minutes, that’s 75mph on average, so we’ll take your licence away as well thanks.

24/06/03 [11:03] your office: Illicit access of latest cricket score via the internet at work.
24/06/03 [11:16] your office: Office spyware reports you to your boss for repeatedly accessing latest cricket score – you are dismissed.
24/06/03 [16:32] the dole office: Automatically credit-blacklisted after signing on and joining the social underclass.

25/06/03 [06:08] not your house: Spotted by satellite emerging from house unwashed and tired, but whistling and smiling broadly.
25/06/03 [07:45] your house: Spotted by satellite emerging from house pursued by angry spouse/partner wielding large object.
25/06/03 [22:59] local woods: Spotted by satellite burying the body of your spouse/partner in a two-metre deep hole.

26/06/03 [00:01] hiding out in the woods: Mobile phone transmits details of your location to local police. It's only a matter of time before we catch you, you know.

Cumulatives to date - Gross offences: 26; Minor offences: 48,803; Impure thoughts: 19,575,168; Hail Marys required since last statement: 6 billion.

We apologise if this record of your actions is in any way incorrect. However, we would like to reassure you that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change our records, and this information will remain on your file for not less than thirty years. Should you have any other concerns about issues surrounding civil liberties, please do not hesitate to get in touch with us. Just walk outside your front door, look straight ahead and start talking – we’ll hear you.

Yours omnipresently
Winston Smith

<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>

click to return to the main page

...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan18  Feb18  Mar18  Apr18  May18  Jun18
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17  May17  Jun17  Jul17  Aug17  Sep17  Oct17  Nov17  Dec17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

my flickr photostream