"I was carrying a bag which could have had a bomb in it. I was just yards away from the Queen and Prince Charles. If I had been a real terrorist the entire Royal Family would have been wiped out."
• Ah, but not quite the entire Royal Family, Mr 'Comedy' Terrorist. It turns out that the entire top ten from the line of succession were present (Charles, William, Harry, Andrew, Beatrice, Eugenie, Edward, Anne, Peter, Zara), except for Edward, who was otherwise engaged in Canada. So, had Mr Barschak succeeded in wiping out everybody in Windsor Castle at the weekend, we'd now be entering an extended period of nationwide mourning lead by King Edward IX. All sounds very unnatural to me. No doubt we could have expected a tedious documentary on the subject shortly afterwards, and the end of the British monarchy through nationwide indifference a few years later.
• The last time that terrorists decided to break into a top royal gathering and mow everyone down in a sea of blood, the idea was laughed off the screen as being completely incredulous. Mind you, this was at a wedding in Moldavia and the family in question included Blake Carrington, his plastic wife Krystle and a new son-in-law who looked distictly like Robin of Sherwood. You may remember that Joan Collins was forced to flee the scene of this bloodshed dressed as a nun to avoid being recognised. Who's to say this could never happen to our own royal Dynasty, eh?