I'm quietly gobsmacked by the news that sales of mobile phone ringtones are set to overtake sales of CD singles in the UK. OK, so 2003 hasn't exactly been a golden year for singles (barely even silver in fact), but to be outdone by ringtones? It's shameful. And here's 20 reasons why...
Ringtones sound nothing like the singles they are supposed to mimic1. Monophonic ringtones sound like they're being played on a Stylophone circa 19732, while the more modern polyphonic ringtones sound like James Last let loose on a Casio keyboard3. It's mobile musak of the worst kind, just like you'd be forced to endure whilst waiting on-hold4. There are no lyrics5, and you only get 20 seconds of the hook for your money, not even the whole tune6. Most ringtone owners are so embarrassed by their selection that they scramble to answer their phone in public before everyone turns to look on them with pity in their eyes7, and well before anyone's had a chance to work out what tune that bleepy noise is actually supposed to represent8. The more gullible rush to update their ringtone weekly, before it gets 'boring', wasting the £2.50 they spent last week9 and providing huge profit margins10 for fat cat predatory download website owners11. Mobiles already come pre-programmed with a wide selection of ringtones (so why buy more?12) although scandalously some no longer come with the ordinary ring-ring option any more13. Mobiles also come with an option to allow you to compose your own ringtones for free, although teenagers appear unable or unwilling to have a go at trying this14. Some annoying people insist on cycling through their entire ringtone selection at maximum volume in a public place, a crime for which they deserve to be shot15. How long before clubs start mixing ringtones instead of vinyl16 or before a commercial radio station starts up purely to showcase the latest ringtones17, or before ITV launch Ringtone Idol to wring a few more million pounds out of their teenage audience18? Much more useful would be the ability to download new percussive 'vibrate' rhythms for your mobile, because they'd feel good deep in your pocket19. And they'd be silent20.
