diamond geezer

 Thursday, October 30, 2003

Evolution of a cold

Stage 1: Infection
Life is healthy. Life is good. You're going about things as normal, doing stuff, eating stuff, moving through public spaces and breathing in. Someone, somewhere, passes by your nostrils and breathes out. Bastard. An army of little winged viruses flies down your throat, into your lungs, sets up residence and begins to multiply. You fail to notice and continue to go about things as normal.

Stage 2: Onset
Cough. Just the one cough to start with, indistinguishable from any other one-off cough you might experience every now and then. Sniffle. Just the one sniffle to start with, with no obvious liquid outflow. And is it me or is it getting cold in here? Ah, it's just me then. Bugger. Something's afoot.

Stage 3: Fever
You've turned up the heating, you've stuck an extra sweatshirt on, and still you're shivering. There's a battle being fought inside your body and it looks like you're losing. All of a sudden moving your legs feels ill-advised. Time to reacquaint yourself with your duvet, hoping that it will a) keep you warm b) let you sleep. It manages neither. Your appetite vanishes, and you wish that on your last visit to the supermarket you'd bought Lemsip instead of rather too many stodgy meat-based products. You would have taken the day off work, except that this sort of thing always happens at the weekend instead. You feel merely weakened.

Stage 4: Vesuvius
You wake unrefreshed feeling hot and stuffy. Your nose is blocked by sudden untapped reserves of mucus, so it's lucky you keep a box of paper tissues beside your bed. Fill four tissues, then get up and turn the central heating back down to normal. Splutter and wheeze in an uncontrollable manner, then rush back to the Kleenex as the yellow volcano continues to erupt. Every blow brings forth a surging avalanche of phlegm from the depths. Your stomach feels like a pint of milk has gone off inside. Cough again, with a seismic force that appears to be your only strength at the moment.

Stage 5: Cough
Time to continue with real life, even though your lungs continue to empty at much the same rate as before. Chilly outside isn't it? On public transport you try desperately hard not to cough or dribble into the face of a stranger, despite that being exactly what someone did to you a week ago. Everyone at work sympathises with how poorly you're looking, although secretly they wish you'd stayed at home so they didn't risk catching the plague off you. Unreal life.

Stage 6: Dribble (I'm here now)
You can't quite remember what feeling normal is like. A raw dry patch below your nostrils reveals just how overblown you've been. Even when it appears there's nothing more you could possibly deposit into a handkerchief, your body surprises you once again. You realise that your supply of clean linen squares is in danger of running out, so you should never complain about being given them for Christmas again. Surely this cold must be over soon. Cough.

Stage 7: Normal
The virus is beaten, the washing machine is full, and your weight loss has beaten anything the Atkins diet could have managed. It's good to be back. Life is healthy. Life is good. And may your next Stage 1 be a long way off...


<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>


click to return to the main page


...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17  May17  Jun17  Jul17  Aug17  Sep17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

my flickr photostream