There have been ripples of excitement in certain circles ever since the BBC announced last week that Dr Who would be returning to our TV screens. Honest. No, really this time. Not a film. Not an internet slideshow. Not sound only. No Americans. The real thing. OK, so maybe not until 2005. And probably only a short series. And only produced by BBC Wales. But proper Dr Who all the same, after a gap of nearly a decade. Let's hope they manage to maintain that special combination of cheap brilliance that made the first 26 seasons so special.
But which actor are they going to get to play the Doctor this time? And how is the BBC planning to slip such a venerable old drama back into its Saturday evening schedules, currently home to a succession of reality TV shows? I think I have the answer...
WhoAcademy will be starting on BBC1 next year. This new series will place twelve would-be Doctors in head-to-head competition, battling it out for the coveted Timelord contract. Hosted by Ant and Dec, the show will be filmed on the set of Holby City, this being the only doctor-related drama still owned by the BBC. Each week the twelve Tardismates will face a seemingly impossible task, like reconfiguring a sonic screwdriver, or chasing a fibreglass monster across a gravel pit, or saving the universe from certain destruction. Each will be accompanied by a glamorous assistant (or maybe Adric) who will hinder their progress, wander off down long corridors and scream loudly at regular intervals. In a final cliffhanger, the two Doctors with the lowest share of the public vote will be exterminated by a panel of Daleks led by Simon Cowell and Davros. Later in the evening one of them will be miraculously brought back to life, in a special programme hosted by Jim Davidson called The Regeneration Game.
Talks are no doubt already underway to find twelve wannabe doctors for Who Academy, the new sci-fi elimination series. Tony Blair is a front runner, as he should have a lot more spare time by 2005 and, just like the old Doctor, he's always been treated shabbily by top BBC management. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has a good chance because he's used to overacting in front of cheap wobbly scenery. Dirty Den would fit the part, as he's already managed to come back from the dead once after being killed off by the BBC in 1989. Spaced-out Prince Harry has a few years to fill and would boost those all-important foreign sales. And never underestimate Ann Widdecombe, who as the first female Doctor would have no difficulty at all in seeing off any Cyberman, giant maggot or even trade unionist that was pitted against her. Tough choice.
Who would have thought, way back in 1963 on the day after JFK was assassinated, that a new and insignificant Saturday teatime drama would still be time-travelling into the 21st century. Fingers crossed that the BBC makes all the right decisions for a change, and that life really does regenerate at 40.
TV Reality?
