Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to mourn the passing of Channel 4's flagship soap opera, Brookside. Little Brookie was born on 2nd November 1982, way back on Channel 4's opening night. The soap's gritty style didn't initially endear it to the guardians of the nation's morality, nor to the viewing public for that matter, but things soon picked up until Brookie was much-loved and well-respected. Until recently, when the characters got duller, the plots got sillier and the viewers again deserted in droves. Now shunted into a graveyard slot to curl up and die, Brookside's last ever episode will be screened tonight at twenty to eleven, exactly 21 years (2 days, 2 hours and 40 minutes) after the first. No flowers please, but all mourners welcomed. Brookside is succeeded by its bastard offspring Hollyoaks. May the Lord have mersey upon her soul.
And now diamond geezer proudly presents a house-by-house clickable guide to Brookside Close and who lived where when, even all the families you'd tried really hard to forget. Y'alroight with that mate?
Number 5 (the big detached one) The Grants(1982-89): The original Brookie working class family, that's militant trade union official Billy and his long suffering wife Sheila, complete with four kids including swot Karen, scally Damon and baby Claire. Mum and Dad may have moved on but they still pop up in all the best TV dramas.
The Rogers(1989-93): Whining Katie Rogers has hung around the Close ever since she joined the cast at the age of 12, and has somehow managed to be 100% unlucky with every single man she has ever fallen in love with (even if Ron Dixon only shot one of them dead).
Simon Howe & his mad cult(1993-94): Katie, along with Terry Sullivan, was sucked into an explosive web of religious fervour, in one of the Close's least believable storylines.
Barry Grant(1994-95): Bobby and Sheila's eldest, and thuggiest. He's back tonight for the finale, hoping to wed West End diva Lindsey Corkhill. Poor deluded soul.
The Johnsons(1995-2001): Mick moved in after Barry moved on, bringing with him soapworld's worst ever actress, the woodier-than-wooden Gemma.
The Gordons(2002-): A new family of scallies, seemingly all under 20, and all managing to be of absolutely no dramatic interest whatsoever.
Number 6 (the bungalow) Alan Partridge(1982-84): No, not the fabled Radio Norwich DJ, but a chubby computer wizard and the groom in Brookside's first ever wedding.
Harry Cross(1984-90): Dear old Edna found it much easier living in a bungalow, until her untimely stroke after which she was replaced in Harry's affections by best mate Ralph.
The Johnsons(1990-93): Brookside's first black family, whose cuddly husband Mick was once stalked by Jenny, his son's completely loopy teacher.
The Crosbies(1993-98): Patricia Farnham's parents, gruff David and the charming Jean, who hung around the Close far longer than their daughter managed.
The Shadwicks(1998-): A tedious family of screaming harridans, part of a misguided attempt to bring trade unionism back to Brookie, and epicentre of an excessively drawn-out date-rape plot.
Number 7 Harry and Edna Cross(1983-84): Curmudgeonly Harry was scripted to die of a heart attack after three months in the soap, but he was saved by the producers because the audience loved him, even if nobody on the Close did.
The nurses(1984-87): That'll be Sandra, Pat and Kate, the latter shot dead in Brookie's first ever siege, the first of many hideously improbable plot devices all to hit a tiny Liverpool cul-de-sac.
The Rogers(1987-89): Mum Chrissy walked out on the family, dad Frank was killed in a wedding-day coke-fuelled car crash, daughter Sammy fell deep into alcoholism but at least son Geoff had the sense to escape by joining Torquay United.
The Chois(1989-90): A family more famous for the fact that David Yip used to be the Chinese Detective than for any non-event plotlines they may have had.
The Farnhams(1990-): It was never satisfactorily explained why women threw themselves at the feet of extra-ordinary Max. Maybe it was his throbbing restaurant, or else his snobby attitude towards the oh-so-common Dixons nextdoor (although he eventually ended up marrying one of them).
Number 8 The Collins(1982-90): First seen moving into Brookside Close in the very first episode, after downwardly-mobile dad Paul lost his job. Son Gordon was soapworld's first ever gay character, oh the curtain-twitching shame of it all.
The Dixons(1990-97): All part of the new Thatcherite working-class, here came bigoted Ron and his mobile shop, eventually marrying common-as-muck loudmouth Bev. And full marks to whichever scriptwriting genius thought of renaming their semi 'Casa Bevron', touch of genius that.
The O’Learys and Sinbad(1997-98): Tinhead (one of those ridiculous Grange Hill-type nicknames) was a school bully kept in the series purely to maintain female viewing figures, shacked up with Emily Shadwick (who performed a similar function for male viewers). Sinbad on the other hand was the Close's venerable and much-loved window cleaner, until finally ousted in a ghastly false-child-abuse scenario.
The Musgroves(1998-2000): Depressing Irish family who found that living in Brookside made them, and all the viewers, even more depressed. So they left.
The Dixons(2000-): Back in Casa Bevron again, until successful businesswoman Jacqui made the very recent mistake of selling the house to evil brugs baron Jack Michaelson. You can tell he's evil because last week he smashed Father Christmas's face in with a baseball bat. Honest. Tonight the Close close in to wreak their terrible revenge.
Number 9 Heather Haversham(1982-87) Now better known as that woman in Silent Witness, Amanda Burton made her TV debut in Brookside, first kicking out a lying cheating bastard of a husband, and later marrying a really sweet old bloke who turned out to be a compulsive heroin addict.
The Gordon-Davies(1987-90): Posh Jonathan married nice Laura, who spent the last three months of her Brookie contract in a coma after annoying the producers by trying to leave the show early.
Terry & Sue Sullivan(1990-91): Ah, well-meaning Terry with the scary perm, so often the foil to nasty Barry with the menacing eyes. Sue (and baby Danny) alas never survived their tumble off the roof of the brand new Parade.
The Harrisons(1991-93): Bunch of Guardian readers. Bit earnest, bit dull.
The Banks(1994-96): Bunch of Mirror readers. Bit strident, but good at digging up bodies from under patios.
The Simpsons(1996-98): The family brought in purely so that two of the offspring could generate column inches by having an incestuous relationship. Yawn.
The yuppies(1999-2000): We didn't really care about Dr Nathan, Darren and Victoria either. In fact, this house seems to be cursed by character indifference.
The Murrays(2000-): Her out of the Nolan Sisters and desperate for a baby, except that it was her schoolgirl daughter who got pregnant instead. Youngest son Anthony recently drowned school bully Imelda in a local pond and is now easily the best actor in the entire show.
Number 10 (the 'house of horror') The Taylors(1982-83): Brookside's first death occured when (non-canine) Petra woke up one morning to discover husband Gavin had died of a brain haemorrage overnight. She didn't hang around long afterwards either.
The Jacksons(1984-85): Ah yes, firebrand Marie and her weak husband George, the much-loved inspiration for the national 'George Jackson is innocent' poster campaign (years before Deidre Rashid's similar Coronation Street stunt).
The Corkhills(1985-93): Billy and our Doreen blundered through life on the Close, rowing, yelling, and wondering how they ever ended up with a weak policeman and a screeching hairdresser as offspring.
The Jordaches(1993-95): Brookside's most convincingly dramatic family, fleeing a life of sexual abuse and ultimately stabbing the perpetrator with a carving knife and buying him under that legendary patio. All that, plus Anna Friel and a lesbian kiss - we shall not see their like again.
Jimmy Corkhill(1995-): Billy Corkhill's scally brother was supposed to appear for just six episodes but is still around tonight 17 years later to deliver the soap's closing line. Jimmy has been a criminal, murderer, drug-dealer, prisoner, teacher (yes honest) and, perhaps not surprisingly after all that, seriously mentally ill. Tonight, maybe, just maybe, he gets to add another murder to his list. I'll be watching to wave goodbye.
