I've been somewhat unnerved to discover that my blog has been listed on a site of safe links for kids. I'm one of the Quicklink additions for November, alongside an online candle store, a mini art gallery and a timely reminder that this Friday is Teddy Bear Day. The Links4Kids site has a wholesome and vaguely Christian flavour, even if it looks as if the owner merely lifted this latest list of links directly from an old copy of Web User magazine.
It's worrying to think that someone I've never met thinks that my site is safe for kids. I mean, it probably is, but who's to say I won't suddenly start discussing Prince Charles' sex life at some point in the near future, or dropping the odd f*ck in here and there? And what if I get round to revealing that Santa Claus doesn't exist or, even more dangerously, pondering that God may not exist either? Oh the burden of responsibilty I now face. So, given that I have a potential new audience of youthful surfers, I thought I'd better start performing a useful public service and offer some helpful advice on a pressing topic of national importance. What do you think?
Hey kids, are you fat?
Are you a great big wobbly lardbucket? Don't worry if you are, because new research shows that childhood obesity is solely the fault of nasty evil adults. You'll be able to sue for damages in the future, assuming you live that long after you've clogged your arteries with Happy Meals. Teeth, who needs them when you can suck fizzy sugar through a straw instead? And the baggy look is in, which is just as well when your waistline is growing faster than your height. Never fear, diamond geezer is here with ten top tips to help you lose that puppy fat, fast.
1) Vegetables may be good for you but they taste foul. So always dip your carrots and broccoli in chocolate to make them easier to swallow.
2) Sloshing fizzy drinks round your mouth every day reduces the amount of enamel on your teeth, cutting a few useful milligrams off your weight.
3) Ignore all those ads for sugary foods during the breaks on children's telly. Leave the room and go get yourself an ice cream from the fridge instead.
4) Always eat as much unhealthy food as you can because they give you special tokens that help your school to buy essential PE equipment.
5) Sport is not fun. Sport is dangerous. Nobody ever got injured sitting on their sofa at home eating popcorn and playing computer games.
6) The walk to the chippie and back every lunchtime uses calories you wouldn't burn if you stayed in school and ate pasta and salad instead.
7) Always use a sicknote to avoid PE lessons because you don't look good in shorts, and you look like a whale in the shower afterwards too.
8) Who cares if poor childhood health is cutting back on your life expectancy? Who wants boring old things like pensions and Alzheimers anyway?
9) There's far too much salt in all that processed food you eat, so remember to neutralise your meals by pouring lots of ketchup over everything.
10) Remember kids, the easiest way to lose weight is to saw one of your legs off. After all, you never use it to get any exercise do you?
