It's a bit miserable and windswept out there, so I've put together a compilationoftoday'sSundaypapers to save you having to journey outside to the newsagents in the rain. And to save half a rainforest.
Front page: postal strike latest (yawn); top model cheats on boyfriend (yawn); Iraq (yawn); royal exclusive (yawn); football rape case (yawn); woman found with big breasts (yawn).
Non-shocking exposé: politician discovered telling lie; Church of England contains gay priests; MMR jab either is or isn't safe; crime frightens you; EastEnders star seen drinking; some hospitals aren't as good as others; house prices may come down eventually; some policemen are racist; some journalists are racist (ah sorry, we'd never admit the last one).
Political comment: Michael Howard is... evil/heaven sent/a man whose history is easily forgotten/saying all the right things about asylum and tax cuts/the best the Tories have/the best the Tories have, which isn't saying much/the owner of a gorgeous wife/right/far right.
Sport: Arsenal are... top class/cruising/a bunch of hooligans/championship material/bound to slip up soon.
Financial section: interest rate fears; your pension is crap; share tips for men in suits; credit cards are dangerous but you still have one don't you?; small ads by loan sharks.
Arts section: Turner Prize analysis; J-Lo's arse; the latest hardbacks reviewed; photos of that bloke, you know, the one who played Spiderman, in his new film about a horse; the finest classical releases; Wife Swap's good innit?
Travel section: my Andes backpacking experience; cross channel booze cruise for £1; your guide to buying property in Tuscany; Blackpool illuminations are well classy; advert for cruise ship holiday (guaranteed virus-free, honest).
Magazine: posh frocks you can't afford; car advert; recipe involving ingredients Asda don't sell; I married my long-lost sister's bigamist husband; another car advert; long article about Macedonia you'll never get round to reading; porcelain thimble collection special offer; yet another car advert; beautifully designed manor house for you plebs to aspire to; Mystic Meg's Lotto numbers.
