On the 10th day before Christmas... the race for the Christmas number one record begins
They're in the shops this morning, the top contenders for the most talked-about singles chart of the year. Who will top the Christmas charts next Sunday and live forever in a festive hall of fame? And can we stop the nation's pre-teens from buggering everything up again? Before we get too carried away, let's not forget that the Christmas number 1 is usually trash. For every Don't You Want Me there's a St Winifred's School Choir, and for every Stay Another Day there's a Mr Blobby. Can we fix it, or will we end up with something stupid? But I'm dreaming of a non-trite Christmas.
Out today: Mad World (Gary Jules): I've already waxed lyrical about this particular song, so let's hope the rest of the public do too. The original was first released in the year Renee and Renato larded over the Christmas number one position. Time for this haunting track to wreak revenge, I think. Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (the Idols): Cynical bland manipulative cheesy saccharin shite. Sorry, I don't like this cover version very much. The original is currently number 33 in the charts - there's no justice is there? Signed Sealed Delivered I'm Yours (Blue featuring Stevie Wonder): Smash Hits top pop totty attempt to boost sales by linking up with a superstar who last had a top ten hit in the year Shakin Stevens was Christmas number one. Ladies Night (Atomic Kitten): Yet another cover version, as the three pop minxes attempt to get their career out of a hole again. In their hands the Kool and the Gang original sounds more like a night out overdosing on vodka spritzers. Proper Chrimbo (Bo Selecta): They're having a laugh aren't they? Oh yes, so they are, and deliberately too. A proper novelty record for once. I Love Christmas (Fast Food Rockers): And you thought Steps were dead? Sadly not. Primary-coloured dance routines for 7-year-olds. I hate I Love Christmas. Christmas Time (Dont Let The Bells End) (The Darkness): Lowestoft's finest camp it up for Christmas (and manage to slip in a sly reference to bell ends). Freddie Mercury (Xmas 1975, 1991) would be proud. Destined to be played in Top Shop every December from now on, and rightly so.
Out last week: Changes (Kelly and Ozzy Osbourne) (no 1): It's not quite Nancy and Frank Sinatra is it? I had the misfortune to see Kelly at Knebworth in August. Ozzy had the misfortune to see Wexham Park Hospital on Monday. Santa's List (Cliff Richard) (no 5): It wouldn't be December without a hit from Cliff. Pity it has to be this one, which sounds llike the blandest bits of all his old festive hits mixed together. Have a Cheeky Christmas (Cheeky Girls) (no 10): The sadly-more-than-one hit wonders continue to prove that you can flog a dead horse. These two talentless sisters entered the chart yesterday one place above Madonna (whose new single appears to be an immaculate misconception). Make Way For Noddy (Noddy) (no 29): In 2001 we suffered the Tweenies in the Christmas Top 10, in 2000 Bob The Builder, and in 1997 the Teletubbies. Thankfully Noddy doesn't seem to have inspired the nation's four-year-olds into record shops in quite such large numbers. Do let the bells end, please.
On the 10th day before Christmas...
