On the 2nd day before Christmas... it's time to eat, drink and be merry
Eat Turkey: Why do we always buy giant turkeys at Christmas? We have to battle with mega-sized giblets, we're forced to get up at 5am to start them cooking, we can't fit them into the oven (especially at 5am) and we end up eating turkey in a variety of forms (curry, salad, pie, risotto, etc) right up until New Year. Why do we buy them? Because anything's better than nut roast, that's why. Sprouts: There's never any room on a packed festive platter to push these tiny balls of concentrated cabbage to one side. Maybe you could hide yours under that raft of parsnips you're not going to eat either. Christmas pud: After that enormous main course comes this flaming dessert... Christmas cake: ...and then stodge covered in bitter paste covered with sugar. Please no. Party nibbles: Ten years ago your visitors would have been happy with home-made sausage rolls and cheesy pineapple chunks on sticks. Nowadays anything less than filo-wrapped king prawns and spicy nacho cheese flavour bites is social suicide. Beware. Christmas hamper: If you can't face crowding into Kwik Save on Christmas Eve, why not ring up one of those nice companies who advertise mid-afternoon on Channel 4 and pay over the odds for a selection of not-quite-brand-name foodstuffs instead? Atkins Diet: No stuffing is allowed, but you are allowed to gorge on turkey, bacon, sausage, more turkey and a thick slab of lard. Dieters are advised that major weight loss may well follow, but generally only following your funeral. Turkish delight: Delicious, but if an old lady pops out of your wardrobe and offers you some, just say no. Creme Eggs: only 3 days to go :o)
Drink The drinks cabinet: You'll need to buy one of everything, just in case. Apart from the wine, which you'll need just in cases. Don't scrimp, otherwise that neighbour with the unexpected rum fixation may never speak to you again. Advocaat: Yes, sorry, there should even be one bottle of this right at the back of your drinks cabinet, just in case granny gets tipsy and wants a snowball. Maybe she doesn't realise that the bottle contains grape brandy and unpasteurised egg yolks as well as sugar. Lemonade: No matter how well stocked your drinks cabinet, the one drink that's sure to run out first is the least expensive. Go on, buy six extra bottles this Christmas, it need only cost you a quid. Champagne: If you're serving this at the start of your Christmas party, buy only the finest. If you're serving this at the end of your Christmas party, you'll get away with Pomagne instead. Mulled wine: That's proper wine ruined by excessive spice and overheating. Nice though. The pub: When you get tired of drinking at home, why not go out and drink the same alcohol at twice the price down the pub? The place is sure to be full of other people escaping from their families, so you'll have plenty to talk about. The club: When you get tired of drinking down the pub, why not go out and drink the same alcohol at four times the price in your local nightclub? The place is sure to be full of other people going out of their minds, so it'll probably remind you of being at home.
On the 2nd day before Christmas...
