diamond geezer

 Thursday, January 15, 2004

LUNAR GOVERNMENT ASTRO-IMMIGRATION CONTROL

Dear President Bush

Thank you for your interest in our homeworld. We in the Lunar Government are delighted to hear that you and your countrymen plan to visit our Moon in the near future. However, we would like to make you aware of our new LUNAR-VISIT immigration protocol. LUNAR-VISIT helps to secure our borders and expedite the entry/exit process while enhancing the integrity of our immigration system and respecting the privacy of our visitors. We will require that your astronauts comply with these updated security procedures on all future visits to our interplanetary moonspace.

All astronauts travelling visa-free to the Moon after 26 October 2004 must present a new macro-biological cellular passport on arrival at Lunar border controls. These passports contain biometric data including DNA samples, iris scans, tentacle prints and braincell holograms. We are aware that macro-biological passports are not yet available on your home world. To be honest, they're not available on ours yet either. However, agreed standards for biometric travel documents are universal and all appropriate documentation has been readily available on the sub-etherweb for the last 4.3 solar years.

Those travellers who use ordinary passports issued after 26 October 2004 that do not contain a biometric identifier will be required to obtain a Lunar visa. These visas cost ©25 (6 billion of your Earth dollars) and can only be obtained in person from a Lunar Embassy, such as that located conveniently on nearby Alpha Centauri. On arrival at the embassy your astronauts should expect to queue for up to three days, to be grilled in a decontamination cavern and to be ritually humiliated by our administrative staff.

When your next lunar mission is finally ready to embark, please ensure that no sharp implements are packed in your astronauts' hand luggage. We also ask that astronauts refrain from queueing by the anti-grav lavatories while in transit, no matter how desperate they might be after 72 hours in space. On arrival at 'Sea of Tranquility Interplanetary Spaceport' our admissibility personnel will check individual surnames against a list of known terrorists. Our most wanted list is headed by the notorious Apollo moonrock thieves 'Armstrong' and 'Aldrin'. Never doubt our unflinching resolve to avenge the unprovoked geological attacks of 1969.

The Lunar Government looks forward to greeting your future ambassadors, assuming that this latest announcement of yours isn't merely a cynical election year pipedream. However, we regret to inform you that Lunar citizens are no longer making plans to visit your nation. America's latest paranoid security arrangements have been the last straw for potential alien tourists, and we can't be bothered to come visiting any more. Shame, because we used to enjoy buzzing flying saucers over the more remote parts of your Arizona desert. Your ridiculous new border controls border on madness, and we refuse to demean ourselves by submitting to your arrogant, petty-minded demands. So George, sorry, but that's the way it is. It's lunar, see.


<< click for Newer posts

click for Older Posts >>


click to return to the main page


...or read more in my monthly archives
Jan17  Feb17  Mar17  Apr17  May17
Jan16  Feb16  Mar16  Apr16  May16  Jun16  Jul16  Aug16  Sep16  Oct16  Nov16  Dec16
Jan15  Feb15  Mar15  Apr15  May15  Jun15  Jul15  Aug15  Sep15  Oct15  Nov15  Dec15
Jan14  Feb14  Mar14  Apr14  May14  Jun14  Jul14  Aug14  Sep14  Oct14  Nov14  Dec14
Jan13  Feb13  Mar13  Apr13  May13  Jun13  Jul13  Aug13  Sep13  Oct13  Nov13  Dec13
Jan12  Feb12  Mar12  Apr12  May12  Jun12  Jul12  Aug12  Sep12  Oct12  Nov12  Dec12
Jan11  Feb11  Mar11  Apr11  May11  Jun11  Jul11  Aug11  Sep11  Oct11  Nov11  Dec11
Jan10  Feb10  Mar10  Apr10  May10  Jun10  Jul10  Aug10  Sep10  Oct10  Nov10  Dec10 
Jan09  Feb09  Mar09  Apr09  May09  Jun09  Jul09  Aug09  Sep09  Oct09  Nov09  Dec09
Jan08  Feb08  Mar08  Apr08  May08  Jun08  Jul08  Aug08  Sep08  Oct08  Nov08  Dec08
Jan07  Feb07  Mar07  Apr07  May07  Jun07  Jul07  Aug07  Sep07  Oct07  Nov07  Dec07
Jan06  Feb06  Mar06  Apr06  May06  Jun06  Jul06  Aug06  Sep06  Oct06  Nov06  Dec06
Jan05  Feb05  Mar05  Apr05  May05  Jun05  Jul05  Aug05  Sep05  Oct05  Nov05  Dec05
Jan04  Feb04  Mar04  Apr04  May04  Jun04  Jul04  Aug04  Sep04  Oct04  Nov04  Dec04
Jan03  Feb03  Mar03  Apr03  May03  Jun03  Jul03  Aug03  Sep03  Oct03  Nov03  Dec03
 Jan02  Feb02  Mar02  Apr02  May02  Jun02  Jul02 Aug02  Sep02  Oct02  Nov02  Dec02 

eXTReMe Tracker
jack of diamonds
Life viewed from London E3

» email me
» follow me on twitter
» follow the blog on Twitter
» follow the blog on RSS

my flickr photostream