The jungle ordeal is almost over. Just a few more phone votes to go, and then we can leave the Australian outback ecosystem in peace for another year. Tonight we'll discover which one of the D-list celebrities has achieved promotion to the C-list, and ITV will discover how much profit they've made from text voting and increased advertising rates. And then the snakes and rats will pack their bags and head back home in a blaze of career-lengthening publicity. Two ex-popstars and a royal correspondent, such talent. Same time next year then?
The British media has grown to love the concept of un-reality TV. Take a dozen characters, maybe famous, maybe not-yet famous, and lock them away in an intriguing location for a long period of time. Point TV cameras at them, film them doing nothing much for 23 hours a day and force them to do something unpleasant for the remaining hour. Always screen endless footage on minority digital channels with half the words beeped out, because it's an extremely cheap method of filling screen time. The British public can always be relied on to lap up everything because it saves them having to think up anything original to talk about for the duration. Just encourage the tabloids to gossip and muckrake while the participants are unable to answer back, clog up the pop charts with the fallout, and you have a multimedia licence to print money.
And so un-reality TV threatens to reach saturation point. We used to be able to mark the year by the passing of the seasons - now we can tell by turning on our televisions at 9pm. If Big Brother's on then it's Summer, if Fame Academy's on then it's late Summer and if Pop Idol's on then it's Autumn. Shattered means Christmas is just over, I'm A Celebrity means deepest Winter, and the fact that The Salon hasn't finished yet merely means that Channel 4 are getting desperate.
Now Channel 5 have spotted a gap in the TV schedules, and they're getting in on the act from next week with 'Back To Reality'. Take 12 past would-be celebrities who didn't win last time, and give 11 of them the chance not to win again this time. You hoped you'd seen the back of Jade, Nasty Nick, fat Rik and friends, but oh no, they'll all be back to haunt your entire multimedia experience for three weeks from next Sunday. Probably. Last time Channel 5 tried reality (with 'The Mole') it all fell rather flat with disappointingly tiny audiences, just like the BBC's 'The Murder Game' last year, and ITV's unexpectedly ungripping 'Survivor'. However, somehow I fear this latest show has all the trappings of a ratings winner, even if it is on the channel that nobody watches. And then, joy, we should have two clear months before Big Brother 5 starts in May. I can't wait. But what on earth will we talk about in the meantime?
