You have been specially selected to take part in David Blunkett's ID Cardtrial. Participation is entirely optional, except that by logging into this page we already know your IP address, so give us a few more seconds and we'll also have your bank balance, criminal record and immediate whereabouts. In fact we'll have your new ID card prepared and printed before you've finished reading this piece, and we'll probably be standing at your front door to deliver it within minutes. Have your £35 ready won't you, there's a good citizen.
We're pressing ahead with the introduction of ID cards because a recent opinion poll told us that the British public don't mind them. Admittedly opinion polls also tell us that the British public want to see capital punishment reinstated, but we're ignoring that because you're wrong. ID cards are your friend. They prevent people around you from having multiple identities, a common problem in Britain today. They allow you to travel abroad for private health treatment, but stop sick Eastern Europeans coming over here for life-saving surgery. And you need no longer worry about terrorism and rising crime, because small pieces of laminated plastic can see them all off.
Policeman: You're foreign aren't you?
Terrorist: No, I was born in Luton.
Policeman: Can I see your ID card please?
Terrorist: I'm afraid I don't have it on me.
Policeman: And why's that then, got something to hide?
Terrorist: Yes, I have a huge bomb in my rucksack.
Policeman: Aha! You're under arrest sonny.
Your new ID card will contain biometric data including all your fingerprints (you really were very careless leaving greasy finger marks all over that last gas bill you posted). We've also scanned your iris (or rather we got one of our operatives to chat you up recently and stare deeply into your eyes with an electronic opthalmascope). We hope you might even be interested in having your ID tattooed unobtrusively on your scalp, just below the hairline, with one of our trademark '666' brandings. We're just dying to get you on our database, you know, and so are all the advertisers who are funding the introduction of this scheme. Listen, that's us at the door already. Welcome to the future.
