diamond geezer

 Sunday, April 18, 2004

Guided Tour of East and Central London - today only

It's the perfect way to see London. Come and join us for a stroll through the streets of Greenwich, Docklands and the City.

Meet: 8am Greenwich Park. Yes, we know that's rather early for a Sunday morning, but you'd only be lying in bed otherwise.
Length: 26 miles 385 yards. That may sound like a bit of a marathon but trust us, even a 93-year-old could manage it.
What to wear: We recommend a bear costume, comedy headgear or orange facepaint.
Tour guide: Unfortunately Paula can't make it this year so you'll have to follow someone else.
Drinks provided: Our waiters will be pleased to serve you mineral water at 23 locations along the route.
Facilities: 950 toilets will be available at the roadside, in case you overdo the mineral water.
First Aid: Several St John's Ambulance matrons will be at hand with a thick dollop of lubricating grease if required.
Top tips: We recommend you run very fast through Charlton, athletic even. There's a big ship beached in Greenwich you'll need to detour round. You can save about ten miles if you divert through the Rotherhithe Tunnel. Expect jams crossing Tower Bridge as everyone stops to talk to Brendan Foster. Asda on the Isle of Dogs sells cornplasters and Lucozade. Jeffrey Archer may be arrested as he passes the Tower of London. If you're feeling dehydrated along the Embankment, don't be tempted to sip from the local river. Save the silver foil sheet you're given at the finish and use it to wrap next Sunday's roast. If you're still on Birdcage Walk at 8am tomorrow morning, watch out for the rush hour traffic trying to mow you down.
As seen on TV: For those of you that can't be there in the flesh, Sue Barker will record the whole event on her camcorder.
Sponsor: Some old lardbucket called Flora. Used to be Mars doing the Marathon, but they paid peanuts.
How to apply: Places are limited to the first 32000 applicants. Book now for 2005.
Cost: Blood, sweat and tears. You might want to sponsor Richard Herring if he makes it all the way round.

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