5 completely unfounded rumours
• The tabloid press will moan endlessly that the latest series is deadly dull, but still continue to waste endless column inches scrutinising the housemates' private lives, especially those with large breasts.
• The Big Brother sofa lifestyle range will be launched by Linda Barker at IKEA over the bank holiday weekend.
• In an attempt to liven up proceedings, this year's secret room will contain three American prison guards and a digital camera.
• Two housemates will have sex within the first week, only to discover afterwards that they're both undercover journalists.
• By Christmas we'll have forgotten every last one of the D-list non-entities, just like we have with whoever it was won last year.
12 completely unconfirmed housemates
• Katriona: An unassuming girly girl who loves ponies, but who is also secretly a psychotic sleepwalking murderess.
• Baz: Tedious bigoted argumentative loudmouth, of the kind everyone shares an office with but nobody wants to see on the telly.
• Liz: Septuagenarian monarch seeking to connect with one's subjects.
• Chris & Pat: A married couple, and therefore the least likely of any of the contestants to engage in shagging.
• Tanya: Fresh from Larkhill Prison, TV's favourite footballer's wife continues her tour of primetime ratings hits.
• Biffa: (in broad Brummie accent) "I hate these bloody lentils, I need my fags, is there any cider left?"
• Dermot: Big Brother's Little Brother will be presented from inside the house this year.
• Fran: Dull non-entity, but has a birthday in week 3 so that's an excuse for the producers to throw a booze-soaked party.
• Billy-no-mates: Fat miserable sod, physically incapable of completing any of the tasks, but never evicted by the public due to his inestimable comedy value.
• Lug: Shaven-headed witch who insists on walking around in the nude and sacrificing the chickens.
• Tony: Prime Minister in a desperate bid for the youth vote in the run up to the June 10th elections, after which he'll escape over the walls never to be heard from again.
Big Brother 5 (starts tomorrow, oh yes oh yay)
