You can't have failed to notice that Europe enlarged on Saturday. Ten new countries signed up to become part of the EU, opening borders to trade, culture and migration. Especially migration, if you've been listening to varioussections of the media over the last few months. Endless scare stories, a lot of mischievous headlines, a few political editors trying to influence government policy and a prime minister seemingly willing to let them. I've been out over the weekend trying to spot the differences that a newly extended Europe has made. I can now confidently report back that, whatever you may have read in the papers, none of the following have actually happened.
1) It's impossible to force open your front door now that hordes of Latvians are sleeping on the pavement outside. And they snore, all of them. 2) There's a tented village of Slovakians living on that small patch of wasteland behind your local shops. And they've attached long cables to the local electricity supply to power their homegrown beetroot distilleries. 3) Don't let your children out of your sight, else Polish gypsies will undoubtedly kidnap them and take them away to start a new life in a distant circus. 4) The council has forcibly evicted your neighbour and filled his house with five families of wailing Cypriots, all of whom play loud folktunes on an accordion throughout the night as they sing ballads about their long lost homeland. 5) Whole communities of Czech citizens are being drafted into the country before the EU referendum next year on the condition that they all vote 'Yes'. 6) There are huge long queues of Hungarians waiting in line for benefit payments outside your local Post Office. 7) Coachloads of Lithuanians are flooding through Dover to avail themselves of expensive plastic surgery on the NHS. 8) When you go back to work tomorrow you'll find that you've been made redundant in favour of three Estonians on 10% of your wages. 9) Terrorists are now able to sneak explosives across the unguarded borders of Slovenia, drive to the UK unchallenged and blow up your front garden, should they so choose. 10) EU bureaucrats plan to force the introduction of a Maltese family in Coronation Street, to ban Cornish pasties in favour of parsnip-based alternatives and to make viewing of the Eurovision Song Contest complusory.
For a more balanced view of life behind the former Iron Curtain, may I highly recommend this recently published travel guide to the forgotten country of Molvania. (Review here)
