diamond geezer

 Saturday, July 31, 2004

10 reasons why I hate barbecues

1) Normally food is cooked in a spotlessly clean kitchen. At a barbecue food is cooked on a rusty grill which birds have probably used as a toilet on a daily basis since last summer.
2) Normally women do the cooking because men are rubbish at it. At a barbecue men insist on cooking, only to discover that they're still rubbish at it.
3) Normally food takes minutes to cook. At a barbecue the charcoal takes half the afternoon to ignite, then the food takes the rest of the afternoon to cook, and even then it isn't cooked.
4) Normally while food is cooking you can go and watch the television or read a book or something. At a barbecue you have to suffer endless small talk in the garden with the other ne'er-do-wells who've been invited to this neverending social event.
5) Normally food is sprinkled with a selection of seasonings, oils and herbs. At a barbecue food is sprinkled with flies and dead midges.
6) Normally food is edible. At a barbecue all food becomes coated by an impenetrable layer of jet black carbon.
7) Normally all food is fully cooked before eating. At a barbecue the middle of everything always remains stubbornly red raw, no matter how black the outside is.
8) Normally people eat a well-balanced diet including protein, carbohydrate and vitamins. At a barbecue people eat an unbalanced diet of fat, charcoal and more fat.
9) Normally food is eaten in a refined manner using cutlery. At a barbecue food is torn apart by sticky fingers then rammed into the mouth in an unappetising neanderthal manner.
10) Normally all the food you cook gets eaten. At a barbecue half the food you sweated buckets to cook ends up being thrown away because nobody can actually eat their full allocation of six chicken breasts, five jacket potatoes, four burgers, three kebabs, two bowls of salad and a large steak.

Barbecues eh? Who'd have 'em?


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