diamond geezer

 Wednesday, September 15, 2004

FIRST EDITION   threepence
Tuesday 15 September 1964


Good morning folks! A new newspaper hits Britain this morning. No doubt we'll have our knockers, but we're making a clean breast of it and hopefully we'll all soon be bosom buddies.

Prime Minister Alec Douglas Home will today call a General Election. What a great Tory leader Al has been. He always stands firm and proud. Always rigid when it counts. He has the balls to tackle any hard situation. Never afraid of getting stuck in. Be sure to go to your local polling station next month and vote him back into power. Then go back to your cheap working class lives, job well done.

Leader of the Opposition Harold Wilson was seen yesterday parading the streets of London in a tiny Mini. Chimney sweep Larry Wright said "I was gobsmacked to see Wilson in a Mini. It came up well above his knees. Has this man no shame? I'll not be voting for him next month and no mistake."

• Valerie Singleton - is she, you know?
• Pélé to transfer to Preston North End
• Enoch Powell tells it in black and white
• Vietnam bloodbath - who cares?
• Ken Dodd ate my hamster
Soap starlet Hilda Ogden bares all inside

We think Bobby Moore is a great footballer. He's young and he's fit. He's skilful and he's a bit hunky. We're going to write lots of articles praising him to the skies. Expect lots of pin-up pictures of Big Bobby. Then one day he's going to miss an open goal. All England will be shamed. On that day we will write an article slagging him off. And then we'll write lots more articles slagging him off. We build 'em up and then we knock 'em down. That's the way it's going to be from now on. Get used to it.

A survey says new TV channel BBC2 has only 6 viewers. And they're all snobs. What a waste of money. End the evil licence fee now. We hate the BBC. One day we might set up our own TV company in competition. The Sky's the limit.

Dear Deirdre, I am a high ranking Government Minister. I have been caught being inappropriate with a showgirl. She has been caught being inappropriate with a Russian spy. My career is buggered. Please help me.

Dear Mr Profumo, Who's been a silly boy then? Your career is over. You may even have brought down the Government. You fool! By the way, can you send us Ms Keeler's telephone number? We're planning this new feature called 'Page 3'. We think she might be perfect for it...

Mystic Meg predicts: more of the same for the next 40 years.

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