diamond geezer

 Sunday, October 31, 2004

A little wine

Have you ever wanted to be a wine expert? Let me share a few vintage tips with you.

• There are two different types of wine - red and not red.
• There are two different types of wine bottle - those you can drip candlewax down to make a nice lamp and those you can't.
• Wine is made from grapes. Red grapes make red wine, green grapes make green wine and fizzy grapes make champagne.
• Rosé wine is made by mixing red and white wine together in equal measures.
• Wines either come from France or they don't. The best French wines come from the former location.
• Some wines are older than others. Very old wines are called vint-aged.
• Some of the most highly regarded wines are Liebfraumilch, Blue Nun, Black Tower and anything from China.
• Connoisseurs always patronise their local wine merchant.
• The best wines are to be found exclusively in restaurants. These wines are not the same plonk you can buy in Tesco for a fiver but are in fact exclusive classics well worth every penny of £40.
• White wine should always be chilled, but red wine should be removed from the fridge at least three hours before drinking.
• Always allow your wine to breathe by pouring it into the glasses before your guests arrive.
• Screwtop bottles are best because there is no risk of embarrassing yourself in front of an audience whilst attempting to use a corkscrew.
• Small pieces of cork floating around in a bottle of wine increase the flavour.
• When serving wine, only leave the price label on the bottle if the wine cost more than £5.99.
• Always sniff your wine before you drink it. This is called aromatherapy.
• Remember to describe the smell of a wine using at least three of the following adjectives:
• When tasting wine always swill the liquid around in your mouth, gargle and spit - rather like you would with mouthwash.
• The taste of a wine is called the 'palette'. This is the same palette that artists use only different.
• Always compare the taste of a wine to something else which isn't wine, eg
• Always drink your best bottle of wine first because by the time you get to the second you'll be too drunk to fully appreciate how good it is.


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