75 things to do on an inter-city train: climb aboard, find an empty seat, hog a four-seat table, ignore a reservation, block the gangway with your wheelie suitcase, fill the luggage rack, wipe the crumbs off your seat, stake out territory by spreading out your belongings, listen to endless announcements about the buffet car, ignore safety information, get out your thermos and sarnies, try desperately to find your ticket when the inspector approaches, ignore the passing drinks trolley, stand too close to the automatic sliding door, overtake lorries, cross water, speed through farmland, stare at cows, glance at horses, wave at sheep, sit for ages in a cutting, enjoy the view from an embankment, try to peer at other people's laptops, grimace at the behaviour of other people's children, grimace at the behaviour of your own children, listen in on other people's conversations, try not to listen in on other people's conversations, escape into your walkman, spot trains, spot trainspotters, pop your ears as you whizz through a tunnel, go to the buffet car, walk faster than the train, buy an overpriced bacon sandwich, walk slower than the train, try to walk in a straight line, spill your drink, squeeze past people people walking the other way, sneak into first class, watch your mobile phone reception fluctuate, listen to other people's ringtones, answer your mobile by saying "I'm on a train", scrutinise other people's gardens, spot houses that look nicer than your own, try to read the passing station names to work out where you are, stare at distant mist, birdwatch, squint into the sun, detect changes in the weather, check your watch, read the paper, re-read the paper, read the complimentary in-house magazine, read other people's newspapers, stretch, relax, yawn, sleep, wait for the toilet to become vacant, piss into the toilet bowl at an awkward angle, try to wash your hands without touching the tap, gawp at endless fields, pass light industrial units, trace the path of pylons, compare towns, watch Britain go by, learn geography, start packing up five minutes before reaching your destination, stand up two minutes before reaching your destination, queue by the exits, lower the window, turn the door handle, step out onto the platform, catch the replacement bus service.
