How to run the next American Presidential Election
(Arnie v Hillary, Tuesday 4th November 2008)
1) Restrict the election to the states where the result really matters. Just Ohio, then. Give everybody in the other 49 states a rest next time round because their votes don't actually count, so there's no point in wasting valuable campaign funds anywhere else.
2) Start campaigning early, like January. Maybe January 2005 just to be certain of a decent run-up. It's never too early to be foisting wildly twisted and hateful infomercials on the viewing public.
3) Find a convenient foreign country to invade about 18 months before the election. Perhaps that nice Mr Tony Blair will agree to US peacekeeping forces being stationed on the streets of Britain, hunting down the nation's evil dentists in a moral crusade to save British teeth from plaque-ridden orthodontic hell.
4) Award huge government grants to all the multinational oil companies in an attempt to boost global warming. Fingers crossed that sea level will rise and all those annoying states along each coast that keep voting Democrat will disappear beneath the waves.
5) Sign up as many over-60 voters as you can. Especially the dead ones because they always can be relied upon to vote the right way. Introduce a new curfew which bans everybody under the age of 30 from leaving the house during the first week of November in a leap year.
6) Set up polling stations not in community halls but in churches. Move election day from Tuesday to Sunday, and restrict opening hours to "during the Healing Hour of Prayer".
7) Install electronic voting machines which automatically vote Republican no matter which button you press and which very conveniently can't be checked afterwards. Maybe even announce the results the day before the election is held.
8) Hold votes on other local resolutions at the same time as the presidential election. For example, ask "should gay people be allowed to molest orphans?" then wait for queues of angry bigots to come flocking to the ballot box. Wire up the 'yes' button to the mains electricity supply, just to be on the safe side.
9) Ignore the actual number of votes cast, just go along with the exit polls conducted by all the TV companies. Particularly those nice people at Fox because they're really very unbiased, and because they'll agree to call California for the Republicans if you ask them nicely enough.
10) Pre-pack the Supreme Court with a few of your best mates, just in case the election turns out to be a draw. In fact you could probably get away with reducing the electorate to zero, announcing a tie and going straight to the top without all the hassle of an election in the first place. Dictatorship anyone?
