If it's a quarter past seven on the morning of Wednesday 3rd November then I've been single for exactly five years. (Yes, I know I posted this particular post last year and the year before, but I have updated it a bit, and I intend to keep posting it every year on this date until my situation changes. Not that I care if it doesn't, you understand.) Some might say that we single people are missing out on the joys of coupledom, and maybe we are, but I'm convinced there are equally many positive points to being single:
Single: You get the whole duvet to yourself.
Coupled: You don't need a hot water bottle.
Single: There's half as much ironing to do.
Coupled: There's twice as much ironing to do but somebody else might do it.
Single: You hoover the carpet when you think it needs doing.
Coupled: Someone else hoovers the carpet before you think it needs doing.
Single: You can watch whatever TV channel you like, without arguments.
Coupled: There's someone to talk to about the programme on the TV.
Single: Nobody complains when you burp, belch or fart.
Coupled: Somebody points out when you have ketchup on your chin.
Single: You never come home to a blazing row.
Coupled: You sometimes come home to a cooked meal.
Single: You get to eat the whole ready meal for two yourself.
Coupled: It takes just as long to cook for two as it does for one.
Single: You can always go on holiday somewhere you find interesting.
Coupled: Hotel rooms cost less per person and there's someone to talk to at breakfast.
Single: There are no important birthdays or anniversaries to accidentally forget.
Coupled: Somebody actually remembers your birthday.
Single: You can spend all your money on yourself.
Coupled: There are two salaries coming in and only one set of bills.
Single: You're allowed to flirt with people in the street.
Coupled: You don't need to flirt with people in the street.
Single: You have can still have a riotous social life in your 30s.
Coupled: You can still have a riotous social life in your 60s.
Single: You always get a double seat to yourself on public transport.
Coupled: You can never find a double seat because all the single people are hogging them.
Single: You don't catch every sniffle, cold and flu bug off your partner.
Coupled: When you suffer a major cardiac arrest, somebody actually notices and dials 999.
Single: You have no friends to go out with because they've all partnered off and are staying in.
Coupled: You don't have to go out with those annoying friends you had while you were single.
Single: You know which set of parents you'll be spending Christmas with this year.
Coupled: The family sometimes chooses to spend Christmas at your house.
Single: Being coupled is restrictive, stifling and a sign of personal weakness.
Coupled: Being single is unnatural, lonely and a sign of personal failure.
Single: The bathroom is always free.
Coupled: The bedroom is always full.
Single: You can lie in bed in the morning for as long as you like.
Coupled: There's a very good reason for lying in bed in the morning.
Single: Nobody sees what you look like first thing in the morning.
Coupled: Somebody loves you despite what they see first thing in the morning.
Single: You never discover from the timestamp on a petrol receipt that your partner wasn't tucked up in bed one night as claimed but was in fact out shagging someone else.
Not that I'm in any way bitter, you understand...