1) Smoking to be banned everywhere*.
*Necessary exclusions from this blanket ban include pubs, bars, nightclubs, super casinos, Newcastle, the House of Commons committee rooms, the leper carriage on trains, behind the bike sheds and lung cancer wards in hospitals.
2) Tobacco advertising to be banned completely*.
*Necessary exceptions include Grand Prix sponsorship, David Coulthard's helmet, the commercial break during Coronation Street, school exercise books and 'Benson and Hedges' (the BBC's new pre-school educational series).
3) Processed foods to be clearly labelled to indicate fat, sugar and salt content.* *Please note that only one of the above labels will be required so that, for example, Coca Cola may be labelled fat-free, cigarettes may be labelled salt-free and a full cooked English breakfast may be labelled sugar-free.
4) TV adverts for junk food to be permitted only after 9pm*.
*Advertisers wishing to sell sweets, burgers and fizzy drinks to children should note that, for the purposes of this Bill, 5pm is deemed to be twenty hours after 9pm.
5) School dinner services to provide healthy meals for children*.
*In larger secondary schools this target can be met by forcing obese students to walk to the chip shop and back every lunchtime.
6) Children to be encouraged to cycle to school*.
*This will be achieved by giving fewer pupils places at the school of their choice and sending them instead to some bog-standard comprehensive ten miles away.
7) An independent task force to look at the best ways to prevent obesity*.
*Their report will recommend compulsory bulimia, supergluing together the lips of anyone weighing over 15 stone and a return to chocolate rationing.
8) Alcohol labelling to include warnings to encourage sensible drinking*.
*Meths drinkers, for example, will be encouraged to hide their bottle inside a paper bag, while lager drinkers will find the words 'Other Way Up' on the underside of each can.
9) Every Briton to be encouraged to lead a healthy lifestyle*.
*Those refusing to sign up to a ten-point plan including gym membership, marathon running and daily broccoli will be excluded from NHS services and forced to spend a fortune on health insurance instead.
10) Doctors, nurses and other medical professionals to be paid adequately for propping up a tumbledown, underfunded healthcare system*.
*Especially the staff who have my Mum under the knife in a Norfolk hospital this morning. Hip hip hooray to the lot of you.