Jan: The Freedom of Information Act is launched. Government grinds to a halt when Mr Cedric Evans of Skelmersdale writes in demanding to read every civil service email containing the word 'the'.
Feb: A shock headline in the Daily Mail warns that a house price crash is imminent (see also March, April, May, June, and every other month this year).
Mar: Linda Barker launches a new range of flashing blue sofas, perfect for hiding behind during the new series of Doctor Who.
Apr: An ASBO is imposed banning tearaway teenager Wayne Rooney from venturing within 500 yards of Old Trafford.
May: A General Election is called for 05/05/05, but only those with ID cards are allowed to vote. David Blunkett is returned with an increased majority.
Jun: The new Harry Potter novel is leaked when filesharers get hold of a 30GB mp3 of Stephen Fry reading the entire book.
Jul: The IOC award the 2012 Olympic Games to Paris, who then decide that maybe they don't want 20 years of crippling debt after all and pass the Games on to London instead.
Aug: The winner of All-Nude Big Brother 6 is revealed to be an undercover Sun journalist.
Sep: The Royal Mail introduce third class post, whereby letters are delivered at random by illiterate postmen. Few people notice the change.
Oct: George Bush presses the wrong button on his golf buggy and a small Middle Eastern country vanishes.
Nov: The ban on fox hunting with dogs finally comes into effect. Red-coated snobs get round the ban by inaugurating a new sport called dogs hunting with fox.
Dec: Some ghastly disaster happens. Everything else pales into insignificance.