Friday, December 24, 2004
preparing for Christmas emergencies
helping to prevent a terrorist attack
Government intelligence suggests that an attempted terrorist attack on your home is imminent.
On the evening of 24th December a white-bearded extremist, possibly with stockings over his head, plans to break into your home and leave a suspect package at the foot of your child's bed. International police have been informed. Await deliverance.
Look out for suspicious vehicles, such as flying sledges.
Block your chimney (or buy a house with central heating).
Leave out a glass of sherry laced with rohypnol.
Children – be vigilant! Stay awake all night if necessary.
You may have vital information to help the authorities. If you hear sleigh bells, see an old man distributing presents in a busy shopping mall or come across reindeer droppings on your lawn, please tell the police immediately. They want to see Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and the rest of the Rednose gang behind bars as soon as possible.
A place to live: Are you suspicious about an elderly Scandinavian gentlemen who's recently moved into an igloo down your street?
To plan: Have you seen anyone pay an unusual amount of attention to your rooftop, or to those of your neighbours?
Equipment: If you are a retailer, has anyone come into your shop recently and asked for a faster-than light high-capacity sled?
With your help, and with continued public vigilance, this evil empire can be thwarted. Or we'll just bomb Finland and ask questions later. One day, we hope, you'll be able to tell your children that 'Father Christmas' doesn’t exist any more.
Be reassured that overnight festive break-ins like this are very rare. Don't have nightmares out there. Do sleep well over Christmas.
...or read more in my monthly archives
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