Knowing what to do in a turkey-cooking emergency is vitally important.
• If your turkey still hasn't defrosted by daybreak on Christmas Day, keep calm. Don't rush about in a panic screaming "Oh my God!! Oh my God!!" because this won't help.
• Assess the injured turkey carefully and act on your findings using the basic First Aid steps listed below.
• Keep an eye on the injured turkey's condition until the emergency Paxo arrives. Then nod sagely.
Take time now to familiarise yourself with some of the more common turkey disaster scenarios below.
Consciousness: If your turkey is conscious with obvious signs of life, place your fingers on the bird's throat and press really hard. Listen for that tell-tale life-sapping squawk. Then open the rear airway, shove your hand up and pull out the giblets, just to make doubly sure that this is an ex-turkey.
Burns: For all burns, cool with cranberry sauce for at least 10 minutes, then wrap the affected parts with sausage meat and silver foil.
Circulation: Check for a pulse. If you find one then sorry, you've probably cooked a nut roast by mistake.
Shock: If your game bird has cold clammy skin when laid out on the dinner table, assume the recovery position and start mouth-to-mouth.
Fractures: Remove breast-bone. Tug sharply on one end. Make a wish.
Bleeding: Control severe bleeding by applying pressure with the prongs of a fork. If blood drips out, loosen any restrictive strips of bacon and shove the bird back into the oven for two hours at gas mark 6. Beware - many families are forced to suffer bleeding turkey for many days after Christmas.
Blockages: Still eating turkey in the New Year? You must be choking.
For a bootiful Christmas dinner, consider getting proper First Aid training. The Government's Chief Medical Officer, Bernard Matthews, recommends Delia's Norfolking Christmas (£15.99). Or just pop out to McDonalds instead.
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