The UK has had to live with the threat of Christmas for many years, ever since evil terrorist St Augustine slipped the first Bible through English customs. The emergency services now have well established plans and procedures in place to deal with a wide range of festive events.
The police, fire and ambulance services are specially trained to deal with Christmas.
• The police deal with Christmas by switching from trying to catch criminals to raising revenue by breathalysing drivers instead.
• Ambulance workers deal with Christmas by holding a sweepstake to see which driver can mop up the most drunkards.
• The fire brigade deal with Christmas by dressing up in red costumes and climbing onto illuminated rooftops.
• Military assistance can be also called upon if necessary, just so long as all the servicemen aren't too busy serving in Iraq.
Previous successes in the fight against Christmas:
• You never see Noel Edmonds any more, do you?
• And we got rid of Warninks Advocaat...
• And the Innovations catalogue...
• And Meltis Berry Fruits...
• And religion.
New anti-Christmas legislation is to be introduced next year:
• From 2005, Christmas presents may only be wrapped in transparent cling film. We apologise that this may diminish your feelings of excitement and anticipation somewhat, but it's better than being blown sky-high by gift-wrapped explosives.
• Extra-large Advent calendars will be introduced with a slice of fresh fruit behind each window rather than a slab of fattening chocolate.
• The Royal Mail will be forced to introduce a new service called SuperSpecial Delivery where, for a fee of £10, they promise not to steal any of your Christmas cards and the contents therein.
• Christmas Day will be moved to February 29th. That'll show 'em.
Remember that nearly all of Christmas is preventable. You can get practical, easy to follow advice on preventing Christmas from your local mosque or synagogue.
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